Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.

Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?

Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.

...and why I'm being fired.

Servo

She consulted Robert McNamara.

Joel

And Ayn Rand!

She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box.

(chuckles maniacly)

Joel

Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here.

It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself!

Joel

It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner!

Servo

Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next.

Play "Whipping Post"!

[in marching cadence] I'm a Q-tip, what are you!

Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!

Servo

Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade.

...but then Kay came up with that all-important question.

How do Pop-Tarts work?

What are you doing to major in, Helen?

What are you going to take, Jean?

I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got!

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach.

Because I can't do.

Joel

Hey, it's Abbey Road.

Here we come, walking down the street...

And you choose to make a life with Ken?

Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people.

Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but…

[cadence-calling] Hut, 2, 3, 4!

We are in a crappy film…

We are in a crappy film…

They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon.

They will tell me where to take my people?!

No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise.

[singing] For yooooou!

Now take off!

Joel

...to the great White North!

The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.

Joel

Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.

If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!

They did too care! In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we, Frank?

Yeah, Larry, come here. Larry, tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream -- your vision! -- and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into a reality through years -- well, days -- of hard work, determination, and struggle! You took that cherished dream that you had, and you... (trails off looking at "Larry's" dull, lifeless expression.) You don't really care, do you?

(Smirks, makes gesture of approval towards Frank.)

Joel

You know that puppet does his own stunts.

Does he really?

Servo

I personally don't believe that puppets should be on TV.

They've come back. Orson, bring them here at once.

Yes, sir.

What they have seen must never get back to Earth. Bring them here.

[entering the room] There's no need, Lunar Controller. On the assumption that his first note would be rejected and subject to our investigation, the World President authorized me to place you under close arrest, and escort you back to Earth.

Arrest me? You are fools, Earth men. Already a complex is being built. Soon, the Mysterons will come to take over the moon, and then the Earth.

We have seen the complex, and it will be destroyed.

No. You will never leave the moon alive. Any of you.

SID, prepare a Lunar rocket for immediate launch. We are leaving at once for the Earth.

Don't waste your breath.

A Lunar rocket is ready at bay three.

No! SID, this is the Lunar Controller. Seal all exits!

Come on.

Servo

[imitating a seal] Get it? Seal? ... never mind.

SID. I am giving you an order! Orson, seize them!

Let's go!

[standing in front of SID] I command you! SEAL! ALL! EXITS!

Servo

[imitating a seal again]

Joel

Okay, I get it...

It's no good, Lunar Controller, SID cannot identify you.

Servo

I figured you would.

I changed recognition disks with you last night.

[getting desperate] SID! This is the Lunar Controller! Stop them!!! SEAL! ALL! EXITS!

I'm sorry. Your recognition disk cannot authorize that.

Obey! OBEY! SEAL ALL EXITS!

I am sorry. Your recognition disk does not authorize that.

[pointing a gun at SID] This is your last chance, SID! Seal all exits!

I am sorry. Your recognition disk- [Lunar Controller begins to shoot SID repeatedly, causing SID to malfunction catastrophically] I... AM... SORRY...

[continuing to shoot SID repeatedly as an alarm sounds throughout the base] Obey! OBEY!!!

Joel

Alright already!

You know, there was an off switch, dumb-o.

I... AM... SORRY... I... AM... SOOOOORRRRRYYYYY...

Joel

I'm sorry you two had to see that.

It wasn't pretty.

Servo

I'm all choked up.

A new baby is an exciting addition to the family...

But to keep the balance, someone must go.

He's always asleep.

Joel

Oh, that's what he wants you to think.

When's he ever gonna be any fun?

All he ever does is eat and sleep.

And watch "Meet the Press."

Some people go right to sleep, others take longer.

David eases himself to sleep by counting his sins.

239... 240... ah, 241... that was a good one.