Mike Nelson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Do you know John Wayne?

Gacy, yes!

Mike

Guess he's a... felonious monk!

I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!

[After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.] You son of a-- [Audio edit]!

Mike

...what?

Servo

Huh. What do you think he's a son of? Son of a preacher man? Son of a son of a sailor, maybe?

You son of a-- [Audio edit]!

Uh... something!

Get off your knees, you son of a-- [Audio edit]!

Same thing you said!

I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- [Audio edit]!

I'll kill you, but I won't curse you!

Servo

Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- [Audio edit]!"

You've got the right to remain silent.

Mike

Oh, he is a real cop!

[Knocks the suspect out.] And all that other ****.

Mike

...oh.

You better ru-u-un

Servo

Or he'll steal your lunch!

You better hi-i-ide

...your lu-u-unch!

You better ru-u-un

Mike

Cause he's got the runs!

Cause he won't stop till he gets his man

Or your lu-u-unch!

Mike

Oh yeah!

Servo

Woo!

Lay it!

They say his kind isn't bound for heaven/The ranger...

Takes a roast and wraps it in bacon

That may be true

Servo

But there's potatoes on the si-i-ide! Woo!

Yeah! Pass the gravy now!

Mike

You know, maybe we should lay off the food jokes, guys.

Yeah, I guess it's not really fair to Joe Don Baker.

Mike

I mean, some people just metabolize a little slower –

Servo

MEATBALLS FRIED IN LA-A-ARD!

All right, Servo! Sorry, Mike, all bets are off.

Mike

Oh, come on now.

Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, munch, munch, munch, munch, chew, chew, chew, chew, gorge, gorge, gorge, gorge, burp, burp, burp, burp, STUFF LOTS OF FOOD IN YOUR MEAN BABY FA-A-ACE!

Mike

Oh, now you guys prepared that.

Come on, it's an obvious line, Mike.

Servo

Pork chops, cream puffs, candy bars!

Pizzas, Cheetos, Mallomars!

Servo

He won't stop till he eats it a-a-all!

Yeah, OK, that's it. I'm going, you guys. Do your food jokes.

Yeah! Give me seconds, baby!

Servo

Hey, baby, you gonna finish that?

Anyone gonna eat that last piece of cake? 'Cause I will!

Servo

Aw, somebody give me a napkin!

Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.

[in stoner voice] Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on aquavit -- woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.

To be or not to be...

Mike

The literary equivalent of "Da-da-da-dunnn!"

That is the question.

I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...

Servo

Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler!

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?

Mike

Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.

To die: to sleep.

Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub.

No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to...

Mike

Ok, we need a predicate, now.

...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.

Especially with Ophelia, man! [snickers]

Mike

Oh, you...

To die, to sleep.

Servo

To SLEEP!

Mike

Whoa, that's an old chesnut.

To sleep...

Servo

To SLEEEEEP

Perchance to dream...

Servo

The impossible DREAM?

Aye, there's the rub.

Mike

I knew I had some rub left...

...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?

Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe.

Who would fardels bear...

Mike'

Ha, fardels...

And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others--

Servo

SUM UP!

--that we know not of?

Mike

So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say!

Dr. Kipling?

Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's waiting for you.

Mrs. Beck...

...you're a loser, baby.

Now, wait a minute... how did she turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and...

[horrified] ...Oh, my god.

Tom

[disgusted] GAH!

OH MY GOD! I get the shower first!

Tom

No, me first!

Mike

Urgh!

Mike

...hey!

Servo

So, you wanna end your movie that way, huh? Ok, get bent! We're outta here!

[trying to get the attention of a passing ship] They must see us! They can't just leave us here! Hello! Hello!

Stop all that screaming, Ann. You're driving me crazy.

Let me go! Hello, take us with you!

Mike

[the ship passes by] Damn Californian, it never helps anyone.

Mike

So, one clod says one thing and the whole world pays???

No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf.

Noooo springs! [laughs]

Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish.

[rubs chin in thought] Wellll...

NO!

Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again!

Servo

So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly?

You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape...

...by anti-spring extremists.

I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks...

Guns, huh?