[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]
FFarmer
Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them...
Mercy?
FFarmer
...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing.
MAMike [as Mercy]
Yeah, milk me.
“The Touch of Satan” · Season 9
In this episode: Tom Servo (9), Crow T. Robot (7), Mike Nelson (7), Jody (3), Melissa (3)
[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]
The American Gothic people take revenge.
. . .
[Fade to table of people laughing]
CCrow
[as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story] And then he died!
[all laugh]
[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]
Grandma Kramer!
A kabuki actor's been hit!
. . .
LLuther
What happened? What have you done?
SAServo [as Lucinda]
I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!
Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.
[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]
AAttendant
That'll be six dollars, even.
CACrow [as Attendant]
Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.
. . .
AAttendant
See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.
. . .
JJody
Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around.
[Jody drives off.]
SAServo [as Attendant]
Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy.
JJody
This your pond?
[Lengthy pause]
CACrow [as Jody]
You can take your time, it's a tough question.
It belongs to my father.
JJody
Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond?
SAServo [as Melissa]
As long as you don't hit his favorite frog.
[Another pause]
I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car?
JJody
Yeah.
SAServo [as Melissa]
Mind if I skip rocks across it?
[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]
This is where the fish lives.
[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]
JJody
Why did you run?
SAServo [as Melissa]
'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.
[A pause.]
MAMike [as Jody]
You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]
CACrow [as Jody]
This is where my tongue lives.
[A police car passes the car Jody is driving]
MAMike [as Barney Fife]
I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car!
[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]
CCrow
She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change.
[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]
MAMike [as townsfolk]
Oh, and "go Packers" too, but mostly burn the witch.
. . .
[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.]
SStrickland
"The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..."
SAServo [as Strickland]
...said Madeleine.
SStrickland
"...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..."
CACrow [as Strickland]
Tsch. Bunch of crap.
SStrickland
"A dreadful sound is in his ears."
MAMike [as Strickland]
It's Paula Cole, I think.
SStrickland
"In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him."
[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]
SStrickland
What is it, child?
YLYoung Lucinda
I thought I heard something.
SStrickland
Pay attention to the word of God.
SAServo [as Strickland]
For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't.
SStrickland
"Yea..."
CACrow [as Strickland]
"...team!"
SStrickland
"...the light of the wicked shall be put out..."
MAMike [as Strickland]
"...by ten-thirty…"
SStrickland
"...and the spark of his fire shall not shine."
SAServo [as Daughter]
Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad!
. . .
[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]
SMrs. Strickland
What is it, David?
CCrow
It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf?
Papa, what is it?
CCrow
[irritated] People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at all?
[Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.]
[singing along] "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice."
[Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.]
SAServo [as Lucinda]
I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened!
[Over a shot of the forest]
[singing] But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...
CCrow
[stern] Mike, stop it now.
...Sorry.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.