Mike Nelson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

My name is Exeter.

Doug Exeter.

Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson.

No, farther towards the killzone, please!

Yeah, God I'm good!

Dear God, I left the iron plugged in!

Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope!

Servo

Quick, get the baking soda!

Mike

Boy, the landlady's going to be mad!

[imitates knocking noise] Are you boys cooking up there?!

Mike

No!

Are you building an Interocetor?!

Mike

[casually] No!

Mike

Hey, Charlie Rich!

He goes through a lot of Brylcreem.

Don't mention his head.

Dr. Adams.

Yes Steve?

What's this "and the rest" crap?

What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?

I'm afraid I don't know the gent--

I'm not an alien!

My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.

Our composer? He belongs to the world.

Yes, indeed.

I'm not an alien.

We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.

Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest -- but I'm not an alien!

Place your hands above the rails.

They're magnetized.

And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.

That's enough. Normal view.

[singing in time with the dramatic music] Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW!

RUTH! MEACHAM!

I LOVE YOU!

[picks up boulder] Stand back, Exeter!

Meacham, please! You have to believe me!

You're holding a Mutant turd!

Mike

Hey, it's the Amazing Rando!

Servo

Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind!

Now, we've never met before, have we?

Mike

All rights are reserved, Callahan!

Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl?

Mike

...So we're watching someone waiting for someone.

Servo

There's a point where it stops being a movie!

Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary.

Mike

More ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that.

Woo hoo! We're going on a trip! Hey, where are we going?

Servo

Chickens are shipped to the set of Oklahoma!

I think the fella in white really likes us, Susan. [clucks]

[catching Jimmy listening to the radio] Jimmy!

Good morning, Mr. Haskins.

Leave that radio alone. Sweep up the place. You're getting paid to work, not entertain yourself!

Okay... Hey, that Creeper guy murdered somebody again last night.

Oh, murders, detectives, gangsters... that's all you think about! Get the broom.

I think about sex, too!

"Eat me, you hateful old fossil. Signed, Jimmy-" HEY!

[holding the grocery list] Where'd this come from?

Somebody stuck it under the door.

[annoyed] Uhh...

I hate customers!

Don't you think it's kinda funny? Sticking a note under the door?

No!

Go to hell!

And don't go trying to make a mystery out of it!

Piss off! [Mike is starting to laugh out of character]

Somebody's probably too busy to pick up the stuff.

Could be the Creeper.

[packing a grocery bag in agitation] Creeper, Creeper, Creeper! You give ME the creeps!

Servo

Zinga!

Well he could be! That'd be a swell reason why he wouldn't want to see anybody, or come out, except at night.

You just gotta deliver these groceries. And don't forget the money. A dollar and a quarter.

Why'd you hire me if you hate me so...?

Okay... but I still think it might be-

I know! So he's the Creeper. Now you just creep along with that- [stomps his foot down; Mike is starting to laugh uncontrollably] I MEAN HURRY UP WITH THAT STUFF!!! And then get back here and do the rest of your work!

Dear GOD, I HATE YOU!!! I hope you DIE!!!

They should get kids going on these things!

[inhales] Aw man, I should have bought at least eight more cartons!

[inhales] Man, I just love these things!

[inhales] Ah, I love cigs. I gotta get a carton of these for my pregnant wife.

What I love, really, is that they're so good for you. [inhales]

Good evening, Mr Scott.

Hello. I'm sorry you have to stay out here.

That's alright, sir, it's my job. Goodnight.

By the way, you mind if I smoke out here?

[trying to get into the house] Mr. Scott?! Mr. Scott?!

Do you have a cigarette?!