Mike Nelson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

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[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]

BBilly

Pow! Pa-pow!

After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".

Mike

Once you're past the age of 11, you should not say "pow".

Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "fffwissshh"!

[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]

He's performing Frampton Comes Alive!

Mike

...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.

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[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]

CChuck

Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank.

GGirl

From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.

CACrow [as Chuck]

She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!

. . .

[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]

MAMike [as Chuck]

There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!

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[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide.]

Mike

OK, let's look in Maltin's book here, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.

Huh.

Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.

Mike

Oh wow.

[watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera!

[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]

Mike

OK. Umm, ah, look, hey--Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.

Uhh--

[disgusted] Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!

Being There, two stars.

Mike

Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.

Oh. Good.

Mike

Lemme see here...

[reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing over Roddy McDowall?

Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.

[still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...

[leaning in] What else you got?

Mike

Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.

Hm?

Shame, isn't it.

Mike

Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.

[incredulous] What?!

Mike

I'm kidding.

Oh.

I hope so.

Mike

According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.

[dismissive] D'oh...

Broadcast News, Witness, three stars--barely superior to Laserblast.

Mike

Mm-hm.

Same for Diner.

Mike

Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go--this was a better movie than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Well, that's possible...

And the same caliber as Last Crusade--two-and-a-half stars.

Mike

Oh. And, uh, and yet: Blame It On the Bellboy... four stars.

[unbelieving] Where?

[incredulous] What?

Mike

No, I'm kidding.

Oh, you... You... jeez...

Mike

So, Kim Milford's greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's tortured performance as Salieri in Amadeus.

According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.

Bagdad Café, brilliant subtle comedy--no better than Laserblast.

Mike

Here's where it gets hard--Harry and the Hendersons is every bit as good as Laserblast.

Carson McCullers' classic The Heart is a Lonely Hunter--no better than Laserblast.

[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]

Mike

[reluctant] No, no--

Uhp, John Schlesinger's Oscar-winning thriller Marathon Man--on par with Laserblast, two-and-a-half stars.

Mike

Right, so Laurence Olivier's chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, no better than the butt-faced sheriff in Laserblast.

Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.

Mike

OK, ah--

Ah, look here, look here, Outlaw Josey Wales AND Unforgiven! Oscar-winner. Quintessential Westerns, Eastwood at his finest. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike.

Mike

Uh, yeah...

SMServo, Mike

Same as Laserblast--

Two-and-a-half stars.

Mike

Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. Sophie's Choice--

Uh huh.

Mike

Uh... here's one, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory--

No!

Mike

The Great Santini--

Oh, I can't believe that!

Mike

All two-and-a-half stars.

Two-and-a-half stars.

Mike

The same quality.

Ace by the way.

Mike

Yes, Ace.

[as they leave] Peers to Laserblast.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

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Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love? No problems or mishaps today?

Mike

Nope, everything appears to be nominal.

Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So I guess you're not wondering what that rhythmic pounding might be?

Mike

[listens] Yeah, what is that?

Yeah, what is that? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I've got to tell you, this isn't normal. Something's causing this, Mike. Now, let's see... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....

Mike

Okay, Tom. Where's Crow?

Where's Crow? Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron heading to the basement with a pickaxe in his hands!

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FDr. Forrester

Now, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment... did you... y'know, go?

MCMike, Crow, Servo

[dejected] Yes...

FDr. Forrester

Becuase I don't want to have to stop the movie for... y'know...

MCMike, Crow, Servo

You won't...

FDr. Forrester

Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth!

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[Universal International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth]

It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had!

Mike

Notice how big Japan is?

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[during the opening credits]

Boy, the universe is really cruisin'!

Hey, there's Taurus the bull!

Mike

And over there's the Constellation Feces.

Oh, look. Orion is bankrupt.

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When in California, be sure to visit beautiful...

[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]

...oh.

[as golf announcer] It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital.

Mike

Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park!

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[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]

MAMike [as Meacham]

Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.

Early LSD tests in the Air Force.

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[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]

Mike

Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.

MDr. Meacham

Lowering the cylinder.

SAServo [as Meacham]

Inserting the breakfast pastry.

CACrow [as Narrator]

[darkly] The secret government Eggo project.

SAServo [as Meacham]

Contact Dr. Jemima!

MAMike [as Meacham]

God, I love the blueberry ones best.

[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]

MDr. Meacham

Increase the rate of reaction.

SAServo [as Meacham]

Start warming the syrup!

MAMike [as Meacham]

Yum!

[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]

MDr. Meacham

Check rate of radioactive decay.

CACrow [as Meacham]

Increase the Flash Gordon noises and put more science stuff around.

. . .

[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]

MAMike [as Meacham/Morrison]

Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!

[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]

Mike

Fries are up!

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JJoe

Where do we start?

MMeacham

Right here. [points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]

MAMike [as Meacham]

At Goofy Clown Face!

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JJoe

You know what my kids would say...

Mike

[interrupting] "You're not my real father!"

JJoe

"Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!"

MMeacham

Plug it in, Joe.

Mike

Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe.