A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]
A planet where apes evolved from men?
Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes.
You did it! You finally did it!
[apathetic] "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes.
It's a madhouse! A...
...madhouse. I know!
[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]
[In time with the dramatic music] Here I am! I'm the Creature!
Boy, Esther Williams didn't age well.
[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]
Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him!
The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!
[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]
Teri... would you marry me?
[Teri pulls away.]
Uh... uh... I withdraw the question.
Oh, Neil -- I can't.
Starfleet forbids it.
[Regarding the splotchy pattern behind the movie's opening titles]:
It's a Rorschach test.
MikeI see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns.
That means you're a sexual predator.
Mrs. Talbot, I know this is painful, but it's one of those things that have to be done when you plan a divorce.
You have to be married.
[after Teri shuts Neil out of her room suddenly, and Sally enters the house]
I realize now what a horrible lie our engagement has been. I frankly feel very disgusted by the thought of- oh hi honey.
I don't think an explanation will help. Do you wanna try?
Nah, let's go get a burger.
No I- I don't.
I left you some gum in the car...
I had a drink with Teri and took her bags upstairs.
There was a bushman in the luggage and he attacked.
[defensive] Look, her aunt's an important client and good friend! I- I couldn't just run out! Now don't start imagining things... [Sally walks away]
This is the fifties, why am I explaining things to a woman? Get in the car!
[The film begins with an introduction from Professor Frank C. Baxter of the University of Southern California.]
This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable.
MikeIt's a fabulous funny freak-out.
But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over...
You'll feel dirty.
You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told.
It's a story botched.
It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye.
MikePeanut nostrils happy clams.
For every action...
There is a Jackson.
[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]
Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada...
Canada, our mortal enemy.
... the Pine Tree Radar Fence.
The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.
[after Mike had accidentally caused the destruction of the future ape-ruled Earth] I felt a disturbance; as if millions of monkeys suddenly cried out and then were silenced.
[mournfully] Yes; the Earth has been destroyed.
Mike[as Movie Sign blares] No, even worse than that; we've got Movie Sign!
[as Dr. Jackson gets a phone call]
This is Dr. Jackson. ... General Ford?
General Tennessee Ernie Ford?
... Yes.
Well, try lancing it.
I see, General. Of course sir, I'll be right over.
General wants another foot massage.
Everything alright?
Of course.
They just demoted me to the gift shop.
Well, it isn't every day the Pentagon calls you.
It is so!
Very nosey.
Okay, be mysterious.
I'll just hang up your coat, and hate you.
Well, if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret?
Hope to die.
They found an old bone up at the north pole.
[as Marge says nothing] Mrs. Bert Lahr.
The Pentagon wants to know to whom it belongs. [leaves]
Oh, and we've been invaded by Spain, and mermaids are real. Bye!
[The movie opens with the title: The Thing That Couldn't Die.]
The Strom Thurmond Story!
MikeCouldn't die or wouldn't die?
Shouldn't?
[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]
You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
A trade rat?
Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
…in Maine.
MikeYou know, the country needs skilled trade rats.
[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]
The rats put in a new crystal!
It still runs.
John Cameron Trade-Rat.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
