Mike Nelson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[towards Tony] Tony; I have reconsidered.

Mike

[as Balleau, shooting Tony in the stomach with a crossbow bolt] John Steinbeck in Of Mice and Murder.

Tom Servo

[as Tony screams in pain and dies] Rail! Rail against the dying of the-

Mike

She's listening to her to dehumidifier.

Servo

Yes, teens dig lush orchestral arrangements.

12 o'clock and time for the headlines of the latest news of the day. According to the latest bulletins-- [Judy turns off the radio]

Ironing can be deadly.

Mike

Hey, the car turned from a Ford into a Plymouth!

That'll happen...

I read in the morning paper that the police department have assigned a special detail to clear up this silly dirty picture business. As a taxpayer, I demand... [begins hitting his palm with his fist]

Ow! Ow ow ow!

Put those men on important crimes like robberies and murders, and those gangs of young hoodlums that roam the street. Things that'll protect an honest citizen like myself. Spending all that money on such silly things, as a few girly pictures that never hurt anyone.

"Never hurt anyone?!" For your information, Mr. Taxpayer, the dirty picture racket can be directly connected to a good percentage of the major crimes in this city!

Just how?

Well, very indirectly.

It would take a psychiatrist to explain it to you, but I can tell you that we've got three murders on our hands. Three young girls who posed for such pictures! Found in the park. Tortured! Mutilated! Murdered! Here! [shows pictures]

Uh, here's murdered, here's tortured, where's mutilated? There it is...

Some characters will steal or kill just to get their hands on this stuff. It's worse than dope for them! Mr. Taxpayer, the smut picture racket is worse than kidnapping, or dope peddling...

No it isn't!

... Show me a crime, and I can show you a picture that could have caused it. Have I made myself clear?

It's a vague connection, I admit, but...

Do you have a daughter, Mr. Romaine?

Would she be interested in the smut picture racket?

Uhhhhh...

Would you like to choose a different category, sir?

Hmmmmm.... daughter...uh, daughter... is a daughter the thing with the wheel and- oh forget it, I'm thinking of a bike. Let me call my wife. Daughter, you say? Daughter... huh...

Yes... I have two daughters... [leaves looking incredibly somber]

And a puppy.

Servo

At least I think they're daughters. Hope I'm thinking of the right thing- let me get back to you on that.

Servo

Visit your government church!

Mike

First Federal Church, member FDIC.

At this point, Hamlet picks up the skull of Yorick and delivers a famous speech. Now, to whom was this speech delivered?

Uh, Richard Dawson.

Fred Sanford?

Uh, Larry Hovis.

Vince, would you mind answering the question, please?

Look at your mouth, you got such a funny little...

VINCE!

Uh, nipples.

Servo

I'm more held by the question of Hamlet's madness, sir.

I'm sorry, Mr. Carter. Would you repeat the question, please?

To whom was Hamlet's favorite graveside speech delivered?

I don't know, man. I didn't catch the name and address on the envelope. [the class laughs]

Mr. Malph, please.

You know, maybe if they sold off one of those Tiffany lamps, then...

Oh, by the way, I think I'm gonna have a job next week.

Really?

Yup. I met a guy today who's sure he can put me on full time.

Yup. I'm going to sell my plasma door to door.

So, are we going to walk the alleys all night?

I'm sorry, Betty, honest.

Oh, that's okay. At least it was a good movie.

I've never walked to a drive-in before.

Oh, just forget it. I'm having a lovely time.

Betty.

Can I sniff your bra?

I've got almost a dollar left. Would you like to have a Coke?

I'd love it.

Thanks a lot, Adnan Khashoggi.

Mike

Tonight only: Cokes, a dollar ten.

Oh, Vince.

Will you write a paper for me?

What's with you? [brief pause]

Mike

Rebooting.

With me and Marv?

Come on, I can't hold this face much longer!

Oh, you can't be serious.

Look, you were with him. You went out with him instead of me!

He had three dollars!

But, honey, I just wanted him to write my term paper.

Would he write mine if I kissed him?

Now would you write my shop project?

Should we just leave the dead guys there?

Eh, the crows'll get 'em.

This is the PTA reminding you to always do your homework.

Mike

You know, in light of this, cheating on the paper wasn't that big a deal.

Coming up next on Nick at Nite, one of the original black and white I Dream Of Jeannie episodes, then F Troop, next on Nick At Nite.

Filmed before a live audience.

This has been a Filmways presentation, dahling.

Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year.

Mike

As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah.

A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology.

Mike

Things with blinky buttony-type things.

Dedicated to the chickens who lost their lives in the great chicken war.

Mike

Wait a minute! Men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is this?

If you're nice, we'll hook you up to the milking machine!

Of course, they have to be hatched before they can grow up, so let's start at the beginning, in the incubator.

[muffled] I'm in the incubator now...

Hey, can I go to the bathroom?

No, stay in there.

Oh, come on. Can I go home?

No, the door's locked!

I've seen the episode where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth!