A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
[As a driver tries unsuccessfully to start their car]
With 34 cylinders, the cars of yesteryear were impossible to flood.
She's flooding the radio.
[As a man in a trench coat runs towards the car]
MikeAnd Creepy Triple-A is there.
Maybe this isn't my car.
Geez, not since Moonraker has there been an exciting opening sequence.
[Krasker introduces himself]
Have you been hearing some weird stories recently?
About Chuck Berry?
About telepathy?
I knew you were going to say that.
The fourth dimension?
Or Marilyn McCoo?
Or ghosts?
MikeHmm, no, it doesn't ring a bell. We must have the wrong movie.
The case that I'm working on at the present time involves a little of each.
Hang on a sec here, I've got this one thing.
Me?
MikeYou?
Who am I?
Frankly I've forgotten.
I'm a private investigator. Criminology is my hobby.
I sell parts of my record collection to make ends meet. I also manage a bowling alley... Oh, look, I'm kind of between projects at the moment. [softly] Mike, help me!
My philosophy?
Lots of leather.
Krasker; Metaphysics. What is metaphysics?
It's really hard.
There's a long, complicated explanation to that question.
[sarcastically] Which he'll be happy to give us.
Wouldn't it be fantastic... to be able to speak to someone who has just passed over?
Quit squirming.
Why just think! We could find lost articles...
Coupons!
Treasures... Gold mines...
You're not buying any of this, are you?
We could even solve murders... by just contacting the murdered.
I'm so lonely... [sobs]
[Krasker switches on his radio for talking to the dead:]
It takes a while for... temperature attunement.
Uh-huh...
Yeah.
Warming up.
Sure.
We'll try it again later.
Are you wearing corduroy? 'Cause that affects the radio, you know. You should also wash your hair a lot so the vibrations work.
This's gonna take a while; you wanna hang out? We could play air hockey, but we'd have to be kinda quiet 'cause my dad works third shift...
The problem of communicating with the... departed...
Is that they're dead.
[of the opening title's stylized spiraling background]
MikeWho left their hair in the sink?
Things I can do with my spirograph!
When spiders drink too much.
Well, it's nothing a fine-toothed comb wouldn't take care of.
[the film opens with a black screen and no sound]
The point of view of Helen Keller.
[the screen then shifts to the point of view of Martin and his wife Brett driving home at a leisurely pace from their honeymoon]
MikeWhy, it's not creeping; this Terror's clipping along just fine!
[of the monotony of the drive] A very un-involving videogame.
[checking her baby who is seen crying in their crib] Poor baby; let mommy take your temperature.
[as baby] No! Get lost!
Uh, I don't I wanna see what's about to happen.
[as baby; while the woman grabs a rectal thermometer] Wait, you're gonna put that where?! I'm not sick; I'm fine! Look, I'm feeling better!
Mike[as baby after getting checked] Owwww, you'll pay for this!
Poor baby; you'll feel better soon.
MikeWhat about picking him up, or feeding him?
[as woman] That's done. Now I have the whole day to myself!
[at a formal dance, the alien appears and numerous women scream in terror]
Mike[as the Alien] I know, it's a cheap suit; but it's all I had.
[as the Alien] Why is everybody lookin' at me?
[flatly exclaiming] My God; what is it?!
[Crow, Servo, and Mike all break out laughing]
This is a story about the summer George and Betty spent on Uncle Jim's dairy farm.
A cautionary tale.
George and Betty are both excited because this is a very special trip.
They're dropping off the kids and never coming back.
But they're not a bit more excited than Andy and Jane, who live on the farm.
MikePoor saps.
[The kids take turns ringing a bell to call Jim.]
MikeAh, yes, the bell signals a nuclear attack in these parts.
Well, now they have nothing to look forward to!
I never want this day to end!
[The kids are playing in the hayloft]
Now Junior Samples and Lulubelle make their appearance.
OW, MY SPINE!
I don't think cause my doctor-- I'm frail and I have allergies-- but if you really want me to...
OW, I FOUND A PITCHFORK!
All the commotion provokes a bull snake resting in the hay.
I gotta be careful of my new jeans 'cause I got them at Pamida.
Tonight on ESPN2, hayloft rope swinging.
MikeYou'd better watch, 'cause it might happen.
[Betty and Jane play with baby chicks]
Baby chicks, too...
MikeHey, they're women-- oh.
[As everyone has dinner]
Living on a farm makes you hungry and aunt Helen certainly is a good cook.
Given her limitations.
Jerry Lee Lewis joins the family for dinner.
MikeAh, yes, now's the time for Uncle Jim's fundamentalist dogma.
But I don't like food!
Look at all the wonderful things to eat.
At restaurants.
It takes all kinds of food to build up muscles and let us bigger and stronger.
MikeMostly just butter.
Susie drains the last of her Dirty Banana.
That's why I'm burning my bra.
MikeRepressed emotions help the evening pass without incident.
The summer is over, and George and Betty are waiting for their parents to take them back to the city.
FREEDOM!
[Their parents drive up to the farm]
Just throw them their winter clothes and then floor it!
Hey, they're driving right by-- Wait! Wait!
[The short ends with everyone waving as they drive off]
Goodbye! We'll send you that arm if we find it!
So long, you corn-shucking suckers!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
