Mike Nelson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

Ahh, bit of a ripoff?

Mike

Coleman steals from only the best!

The beast, finding his victims gone, unleashes his fury.

Ah, fudge!

Joseph Javorsky.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Noted scientist.

Family man, and your candidate for city council!

Mike

So? What about him?!

We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here.

Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now!

Hah-hah! It's anonymous!

How's about someone shine my steak over here?!

Mike

You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it.

[gravelly voice] Come over to this side!

[eerily] Obey the toaster!

[on Joe's fiance Helen] She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe".

Mike

So his name is Joe Joe?

[on the frailty of time] A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years...

Mike

A disastarous one would be cool to watch!

Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors.

You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words.

Servo

If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving.

Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal.

Kind of an abstract sculpture of Jayne Mansfield.

Mike

I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty!

Mike

All this just to get a UHF station?

Servo

[dressed as a farmer, while Forrester suggests the SOL gang entertain visitors of Deep 13 with a Llama petting zoo] So you folks wanna touch the Llama, eh? That's right, eh? You can touch him all you want. You can touch him all night til' Hell freezes over! Not me, though; nosiree-bob! I wouldn't touch that smelly old thing. He hasn't been looking too good. Smells kind of funny too- smells really kinda rank! But you can touch him if you want! Ain't no law says you can't! Right, Mikey?

Mike

[staring forward blankly] You people bring matches for Mikey?

Servo

[screaming as Mike starts hitting himself and aggressively attempting to pet Crow's Llama disguise] YOU SHUT UP, MIKEY! YOU SHUT UP! You folks don't give NO matches to Mikey! You hear me? YOU HEAR ME?!! I don't care what Mikey say or Mikey do! I don't care if he comes crawling into your house at night, stark naked with a big 'ol knife! Don't give him no matches!!

[trying to stifle a laugh] PfftHAHA!!!

I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?

I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?

So, do you need any wrestling done, or...?

Now why all the mystery? I can see that you're anxious to speak to me.

I am not anxious, it is you who is anxious.

You see, Diana is in terrible danger, but what's a good way to explain it to you?

Mike

Puppet theater?

Well that's easy, start by explaining.

I can't, Charles. I'm at a loss.

Be frank, I want to hear all the details. I'm to understand that Diana could be in danger, Professor. I've been summoned here, because you hope I'll find an adequate way to protect her. Isn't that the truth? And nevertheless, you can't, or won't tell me what is happening.

And that makes it hard to get the scene going!

How can you expect any help when I don't know who it is I must protect your daughter from?

Charles, I'm usually quite direct, and I don't like secrets, but in this case, I hesitate now because, you see, I'm not sure yet that's about what you'll say.

Someone is trying to kidnap Diana so they can collect ransom from you. Come on now, speak up.

No no, I swear, it's not true, Charles. No, it's something far more terrible than death itself, it's horrifying! I'm at a loss!

But forget I said anything.

That's all I'm going to tell you now. Should you decide to help me, fine. If not, then leave me alone!

Look, you invited me here!

Now take it easy, Professor. I'll help you, and willingly. But how?

I can't tell you, now leave me alone!

Tomorrow night, I'd like you to gather together some men, and good men, and come to the party, Charles. I mean to protect Diana.

Now get out of here!

Now look, if she's in danger, why not disband the party?

That's impossible. Diana's very sentimental. It's only what the girl deserves. But at the same time, she can't know the facts either. My, the situation is desperate!

Now Professor, let me know what's happening here, simply for Diana's good.

No, don't insist. I repeat, I can't say anymore. Now do me a favor, leave me alone. I have work to get done tonight.

Be sure to stop by again tomorrow, and then leave immediately! [Charles leaves the room]

No wait, come back!

Why won't he help me???

Once again, outstanding features that Anheuser... [film skip] ...that make for a real selling wizard.

Y'know, I think I'll just buy a thermos.

Sales appeal styling.

The kind of design that beckons customers to see and reach for frozen products.

Plenty of lip and tongue action.

Space saving capacity, that gives maximum storage and selling use of every inch of space.

Mike

Meanwhile, the Soviets were launching Sputnik.

The first movie filmed entirely with flashlights.

C'mon, Merle! I only got two more D-cells left!

Mike

Probably blew their budget on those bongo players. I just said a lot of B's.