[Tom Servo shows off his new ventriloquist dummy head to Mike, Crow, and Gypsy, terrifying them badly.]
MikeWHOA!!
Crow : [horrified] WHOA, WHOA!!! [Crow sobs loudly and uncontrollably]
Pretty impressive! Hey folks! I tell ya, I feel like a new man!
[horrified] I FEEL ILL!!! [Gypsy leaves out of disgust and horror]
I know what you’re thinking. Cary Grant, right? I could see that, sure! Maybe even a little touch of Seinfeld? Ha, ha, ha, you know I'm weighing several new career options, fellas. Politics, TV news, I'm even considering franchising the look, he-he, maybe a series of infomercials. Hey kids, you gotta get ahead? get a head!
Mike
Ha ha ha ha... GET HIM! [Mike attempts to pounce on Servo and rip the dummy head off while Crow continues wailing and screaming]
[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]
So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke?
Uh sure, I'll have a root beer.
I know, I'll have a root beer.
Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler.
Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.
Then why did you say we're going to a show?
I know! [sighs] Are you going to come with?
Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?!
Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you borrow me some money?
Mike
Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity.
But Mike, irregardless of that fact...
. . .
Lunch, dinner, same thing.
[The Mad's light flashes]
Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there.
[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]
MAMike [as Storyteller]
Ungodly coincidences of the Old West.
[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]
RRiley
He dropped something. See what it is.
CACrow [as Riley]
It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful.
SServo (Mirror)
[being restrained by Mike] I.... ORDER YOUUUU!!! LET ME GOOOO!!! You traitorous pigs! What's going on?! Where's my personal guard?! Ha ha ha, alright Mike, whatever your game is, I'll play it, mister.
Mike
Apparently, some sort of transposition has taken place.
Extremely interesting, Plankton- I have no idea why I said that.
Mike
Anyway, we gotta get him inside the theater. [begins to pull him offscreen]
SServo (Mirror)
What is it that will buy you?! Power?! I can get that for you! Money?! Credits?! Name it! NAME IIIT!!!
[as "Mirror" Servo is brought into the theater against his will]
SServo (Mirror)
Let... me... GO! Would you just DIE?! I'll have you killed and then tortured, and then-
Mike
Have a seat! Sit down!
SServo (Mirror)
And- I'll- Oh hey, a cowboy movie! Hee hee!
Mike
Right. Sit and watch it.
[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]
CHCol. Hunt
Colonel Hunt speaking.
WWikowski
Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.
WWikowski
Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...
CACrow [as Wikowski]
I sell paneling.
WWikowski
I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.
CHCol. Hunt
[suddenly smiling] Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!
And his face springs into action!
CHCol. Hunt
I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.
WWikowski
Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...
MAMike [as Wikowski]
Perhaps dinner...
WWikowski
We have a bit in common, you see...
CACrow [as Wikowski/Liberace]
My brother George...
WWikowski
You remember flying in the ETO together, 20 years ago?
CHCol. Hunt
Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.
WWikowski
Yes, I suppose so.
[to Mike, mishearing] They were in BTO?
Mike
I guess...
[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]
Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...
It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from Wham-O!
Mike
Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb.
[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.]
MAMike [as Crashed Pilot]
Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine!
SAServo [as Rescuer]
You were only here for ten minutes!
[during yet another scene of planes refueling]
You asked for more refueling, and we're giving it to you!
Mike
Yes! I'm at a loss, now we've done promiscuity entendres?
Uh, cuddling in the afterglow?
Mike
Uh, multiple partner allusions?
Uh, premature ejeculation innuendo?
Mike
Gas station jokes.
Mike
Uh, one-night stand stuff?
Servo; It's all covered.
Mike
[disappointed] Okay, let's just watch then.
Well, fueling is a beautiful natural thing that's nothing to mock.
Mike
Okay, you're right.
...
[singing to the score] Youuu and I, refueled by moonlight! Fuel, like sparkling champaaagne!
Mike
I don't know where you end and I begin!
[the fueling process ends]
CACrow [as the plane]
No man, no! You can't cut me off, just 4000 more pounds then I'll quit! I'm so cold...
[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]
SAServo [as Henry Higgins]
Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Mike
In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices.
The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy!
[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]
Brush, and brush, and brush--at least 100 strokes.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!
The Sinister Urge (movie)
[to Gypsy] We're giving you a shower!
Oh look, she's surprised, isn't that just darling?
[flustered] Well, I'm not getting married and... am I pregnant!?
Oh Gypsy, every woman gets a shower and it's just so lovely!
Well, I'm pretty sure I'm a woman.
Open that one first, Mike, it's from me! Doesn't she look lovely?
Mike
It's... pinking shears!
Oh! Thank you, how very thoughtful, and lovely!
Oh, those are just darling, Crow! OK, this is from me...
Mike
And it is... pinking shears!
Just like mine! How darling and lovely!
Well yeah, Gypsy! I saw that Crow got you the same thing, and that gave me the idea! [everyone laughs]
Mike
OK, this one is from Cambot, and it is pinking shears!
Oh! Better get pinking! [Gypsy laughs]
Mike
OK though, Tom and Crow went on one more...
Oh let me guess, let me guess... Pinking shears?
Mike
Nope...
Mike
Oh I guess it is! Pinking shears! [Gypsy laughs]
Well Tom saw them and I had to agree!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
