[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]
CCrow
Ah, Christo's latest installa--oh good.
“The Starfighters” · Season 6
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (8), Tom Servo (8), Mike Nelson (7)
Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force.
[Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]
CACrow [as Lyons]
Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform?
SAServo [as Lyons]
Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done.
[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]
CHCol. Hunt
Do you know, flying a plane is like making love?
CACrow [as Maj. Stevens]
Uh, you have to pay?
[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]
CHCol. Hunt
Colonel Hunt speaking.
WWikowski
Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.
MAMike [as Hunt]
Sarah?
CHCol. Hunt
Who's this?
WWikowski
Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...
CACrow [as Wikowski]
I sell paneling.
WWikowski
I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.
CHCol. Hunt
[suddenly smiling] Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!
And his face springs into action!
CHCol. Hunt
I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.
WWikowski
Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...
MAMike [as Wikowski]
Perhaps dinner...
WWikowski
We have a bit in common, you see...
CACrow [as Wikowski/Liberace]
My brother George...
WWikowski
You remember flying in the ETO together, 20 years ago?
CHCol. Hunt
Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.
WWikowski
Yes, I suppose so.
[to Mike, mishearing] They were in BTO?
I guess...
[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]
CCrow
Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...
It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from Wham-O!
Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb.
[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.]
CCrow
It landed on Pig-Pen!
[Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]
"Lt. Hebe"? Look at that...
It says "Lift Here".
Oh.
MAMike [as Crashed Pilot]
Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine!
SAServo [as Rescuer]
You were only here for ten minutes!
So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right?
Um...
Am I right?
Yeah. That is correct.
[over the opening title]
CCrow
The Sean Penn story!
[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]
CCrow
We're gonna bomb 'em back to the Jazz Age!
[as a missile is flying towards a rectangular target] Welcome to the Rainbow Gathering! Peace is possible in our lifeti-- [the missile then blows up the target] Oooh!
[during yet another scene of planes refueling]
CCrow
You asked for more refueling, and we're giving it to you!
Yes! I'm at a loss, now we've done promiscuity entendres?
Check.
CCrow
Uh, cuddling in the afterglow?
Check.
Uh, multiple partner allusions?
Got it.
CCrow
Uh, premature ejeculation innuendo?
Yup.
Gas station jokes.
Been there.
CCrow
Impotence.
Oh yeah.
Uh, one-night stand stuff?
Servo; It's all covered.
[disappointed] Okay, let's just watch then.
Well, fueling is a beautiful natural thing that's nothing to mock.
Okay, you're right.
...
[singing to the score] Youuu and I, refueled by moonlight! Fuel, like sparkling champaaagne!
I don't know where you end and I begin!
[the fueling process ends]
CACrow [as the plane]
No man, no! You can't cut me off, just 4000 more pounds then I'll quit! I'm so cold...
Oh, a junkie joke.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.