A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
Well, if Frank goes through with his plan, that means no more mad scientists!
Which means no more evil experiments!
MikeWhich means no more Deep 13!
Which means no way can we ever, ever get down to Earth!
Which eventually means no more Satellite of Love!
MikeWhich means no more... [they finally realize what would happen and faint from shock]
...We've got to help Dr. Forrester save Deep 13!
MikeWe just got to find a way to stop Frank, but how?
Yeah, that's the sixty-four dollar question... wait! I've got an idea! A door-to-door search! Gypsy, can you give me a schematic of the whole city?
You want the suburbs too?
All the way to the sticks! I want to see barns and cows and roosters!
There goes my vacation!
Thanks, doll-face! [tries to kiss Gypsy]
Get out of here, you lug!
All right, all right, all right! Hold everything! Ha ha! Got the report back from the lab, and guess whose fingerprints are all over the ransom notes?
MikeUh, probably Frank's. He signed it.
Oh, that's right I guess...
MikeThis is a dead end, a blank wall, an empty check!
It's no piece of cake, that's for sure!
MikeWait!, Hold it Gypsy, say that again...
I said, "It is no piece of cake!"
MikePotato cakes! That's it!
Potato cakes?
MikeRemind me to buy you a new hat next payday sweetheart! [hugs and kisses Gypsy]
Wow...!
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]
MikeHey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park.
[The logo fades.]
Hey, big friggin' deal!
[David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a Looney Tunes cartoon blare from the TV.]
MikeCarl Stalling's in his house!
[Angle on the TV reveals that it's the Sylvester cartoon Canned Feud.]
Hey, something good!
All right!
. . .
Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to Elmer Fudd.
[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]
When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction...
Oh yeah!
...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...boing!
You saw my boing?
How did you know?
Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing".
Sometimes there's a "shplurt"!
For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically…
…if one of you is cuckoo…
[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]
…if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until…
[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]
It's gone!
Where'd it go?!
We're gonna die!
That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup.
BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!
[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]
Do we have similar backgrounds?
Do we have any priors?
Do we agree on our religious beliefs...
I worship Cthulhu!
...and have the same feelings about... religion in general?
You know, God and stuff.
Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes?
So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.
[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]
[distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions] MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING!
[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]
Sorry, back in Da Nang there for a minute.
Racket Girls (movie)
[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]
Is there a midway nearby?
. . .
MikeHey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise!
Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down.
[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]
First of all, take a look. [holds up bread] A loaf of bread.
Eat every piece!
. . .
Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important?
That's exactly the way I feel about it.
[miserably] I have to. It's all I've got!
[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]
Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.
Watch me come on to a grocer.
. . .
[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]
Hey, something new! [pushes cart experimentally]
Be a shame if this ran over your kid...
You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking...
[cut to a montage of grocers]
What a moron.
That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.
What's he on?
Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect.
What does he want from me?
Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself.
Why can't he leave me alone?
I like to do business with salesmen like that.
But his bread sucks.
[explaining his work philosophy] That's why I keep these bull-eye's handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up.
MikeMake sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't ... well, you know...
High School Big Shot (movie)
Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes...
Mike...Okay...
...a doll that never talked.
Mike[nervously] Just do what he says...
Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke.
Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn!
[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]
...You will look poised and dignified.
MikeUh, no you won't.
. . .
Don't do this during the speech.
Red Zone Cuba (movie)
[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]
MikeJohn Carradine!
Was he always a hundred years old?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
