Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

[deep voice] John Carradine for Viceroy.

[lisping] Sal Mineo for Viceroy!

Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in The Fugitive!

Hey, Moe!

Men, we're shoving off right after sundown...

You shove off!

…and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.

There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.

At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach.

Ted, you take Havana.

Mike

Ah! I think my neck got broken in that jump cut!

Servo

[sighs] I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "I just don't know!"

I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me!

[depressed sigh] You know, aside from the fact that I'll never again experience joy in my life, I don't think Red Zone Cuba had any kind of negative effect on me...

Mike

Yeah, even being Carol Channing didn't shield me from the effect of this one...

Servo

Well, hey! I know what we can do to cheer ourselves up! Let's sing us a bouncy, upbeat song! Okay!?

That's a great idea!

Mike

Okay!

Servo

Hit it, Cambot! [singing] Whenever I want to cry and bawl, Because I'm feeling sad, I think of ironing boards and drywall, And then I don't feel so bad!

Whenever I'm feeling down and blue And sorry for myself I get some staples and some glue And I'm happy as an elf!

Mike

[singing] Whenever I start to mope and pout And there's nothing left in my soul I check the toilet paper and if we're out I buy another roll!

[singing] Have you ever touched a Post-it Note? Have you ever looked at boots? Have you ever sat down in a chair? Have you ever used a paper clip?

[singing] So if you listen to our advice,

Servo

[singing] And you wanna feel terrific!

[singing] Do things that make you feel nice,

Mike

[singing] I wish we could be more specific!

Servo

Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray.

Mike

There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound 94, you might want to take an alternate route.

(in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time.

Mike

In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies.

Why can't I get the Red Shoe Diaries?

Mike

The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself.

Servo

They're coming up for more baking soda.

Mike

Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub.

Servo

This set is at least three box tops.

[recovering his composure] Special effects by... Billy!

Mike

Don't go up there! You'll become a toy!

Okay. We can dive.

Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now.

Head towards the drain.

Mike

Das Toy Boat!

Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter?

Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter.

We're looking for a man.

Are you him?

My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one.

I think you know what I meant!

You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too.

Servo

Olé!

And the way you dove out the window was just terrible!

Ooh, sorry, ma'am.

That's too bad.

Oh, come on! What about "he really fell for me"? Or "his hopes have been crushed"?

Servo

Hot Wheels!

Some little boy is going to be very upset.

Servo

This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there!

Servo

But it's nice.

Mike

It is nice, yeah.

Fifty cents. Half a dollar.

Servo

In those days, that'd buy you a car.

Benjamin Franklin, eh?

Bite me, Franklin!

He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red.

He was the best President we ever had. [N]

Servo

Alfred Hitchcock! [N]

An American Democracy...

Would be really great.

Oh. When did they change the name?

Servo

A Quinn Martin production.

[as the music ends] PUERTO RICO!