Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

View quote →

[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]

CCrow

Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held.

Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.

Servo

Here, Up With People get down.

View quote →

[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]

MCMike, Crow, Servo

GAMBLING!

View quote →

Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family.

Servo

Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma...

View quote →

It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago.

[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]

MCMike, Crow, Servo

A CENTURY AGO!

View quote →

[As the narrator talks about Puerto Rico's most famous export, rum, we see workers at a bottling plant.]

SAServo [as worker, drunkenly]

I love this job!

Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy.

CACrow [as Narrator]

So, drink rum constantly.

View quote →

[The short ends with the shots seen in the opening again.]

CCrow

Okay, we'll move there!

Servo

Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it?

View quote →

[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]

Get off my land, you credits!

. . .

[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", Tor Johnson as the titular beast.]

Servo

Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler.

Tor Johnson as the Beast, that's just smart casting.

View quote →

Vacation time.

CACrow [as Narrator]

So... goodbye.

People travel east, west... north or south.

Servo

And some people just burrow straight down, I guess.

View quote →

[A man is chased by a light plane.]

Servo

Ahh, bit of a ripoff?

Coleman steals from only the best!

View quote →

A man murdered, a woman's purse.

Servo

A thin plot, endlessly restated.

View quote →

[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]

MMichelle

We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here.

[Terry sticks her thumb up.]

MAMike [as Terry]

Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now!

[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]

SAServo [as Maria]

Hah-hah! It's anonymous!

View quote →

[Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]

FFarrell

Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad.

SAServo [as Farrell]

He's our only customer.

View quote →

TTerry

I've got an idea.

[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]

Servo

What a great idea!

View quote →

[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]

FFarrell

May I speak to you for a moment please?

CACrow [as Farrell]

'It's about my report card.

AApril

Yes? What can I do for you?

SAServo [as Farrell]

What's this "Incomplete" crap?