Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Joel

[singing] I was wondering if you’d like to see my-

No!

Joel

[singing] But I really think you should see my-

Servo

No!

Joel

[singing] It’s got a lovely-

No!

Joel

[singing] And if only you would-

No!

[singing] Can’t you see we’re trying to tell you no!!

[as he's strapped to an operating table] What are you doing to me?..

you're gonna be Myra Breckinridge.

You will soon be as big as giant,

But it's not covered by his insurance.

with the strength of twenty men,

Give or take a few.

Or--

--Not.

Like all the others; dead.

Oops!

Well, so much for the giant theory.

You are my wife!

Servo

[high-pitched voice] Goodbye, City Life!

Joel

Well, calamari, anybody?

Servo

That was one unstable octopus.

Uh, I've had enough of this, Bob. I have a bird to get home to, excuse me.

Wait, how did he do that?

[solemnly] He tampered in God's domain.

Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.

Servo

Loser.

Joel

Mhm.

Servo

Loser.

Yeah.

Servo

Loser. [Joel and Crow laugh] Harvey B. Loser. George Bec-loser. Paul Loser Marco. Don "The Big Loser" Nagel. Bud Big Ol' Loser Osborne. John Wanky Loser Warren. Ann- for crying out loud... [they get up to leave]

But the drunk was good. Ben Frommer?

Servo

The drunk was real good.

Oh, yeah!

Servo

So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right?

Joel

No, actually, it's more like a minute.

Servo

[stunned] ...No.

It's a devil and it's fun!

His name is Mephisto! Can we keep him?

Megaweapon… Megaweapon… Megaweapon…

I need to know what not to do on a date! Hahaha!

Servo

What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?

Joel

Oh no, this is like having your mom talk to you about sex!

Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?

How many ways can I say "no"?!

Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much.

Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?

I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date.

… with a loser like me.

Where's my racket?

I should spank myself.

How does Jeff get ideas like that?

From the voices inside his head.

Wait a minute, maybe this is where Jeff gets his ideas!

Joel

The lunch menu?

Taxi! ...Oh, I drove.

Servo

Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse.

Ow!

Joel

Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?

Servo

[patronizingly] Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh [aside to Crow] Koo-koo! Koo-koo!

Joel

I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.

I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?

Joel

Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?

Well, I hate him, naturally.

Joel

Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?

Well, they had a couple of decent... [realization sets in] Oh, my God, you're right!

Servo

I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.

Joel

Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?

Or when they 86'd Jarts!

Servo

I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!

Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.

Joel

Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary released No Cure For Cancer as an album, or when Vicki Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia"?

Servo

I know I stand alone on this, but the day Blansky's Beauties got cancelled.

Yeah, you pretty much stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.

Joel

Yeah, and how about the Charlene Tilton workout video?

Servo

Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?

Joel

Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell. Like the time when we as a nation said "No!" to Yahoo Serious.

I remember that. There we were, inexplicably drawn to the slobbering mouth of Hell. Then, at the last moment, saved just like Moses and the Israelites.

Servo

Now who in Creation is powerful enough to do that?!

Gee, Davey, do ya think it was God?

Joel

Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.

Servo

He's wearing corrective everything!

He left the road right here.

[ dubbed voiceover ] Watch out for snakes!

Servo

Who said that?!

Joel

Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.

Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.