Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

A dagger is placed into the ground--

Servo

A voice-over is placed into the script.

Servo

Oh, it's a spare!

Gutter head.

Servo

[excited] Hey it's in color!

Joel

Yeah.

Servo

Really bad music already, this is great.

Servo

Is this a Pink Panther movie?

Joel

No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.

Servo

Why would they use cartoons?

Joel

Uh, so astronauts could understand them.

Servo

[dubiously] Ah.

He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport.

He's probably waiting at Moon City.

Mmm, that's what the man said.

Don't you listen to what the man says.

Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?!

Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty!

That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?

[annoyed] He's from Barcelona.

Wow, anybody else nauseous right now?

Why does the food go right into his stomach?

Servo

Oh, you're wondering how he eats, aren't you. Don't do that.

Joel

Hey, it's Donald Trump. He's chasing the good guys away. That doesn't make sense.

Servo

It makes perfect sense.

Hey, that joke has transcended time.

And space.

Hey, who's the guy in the cage?

Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.

Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!

Joel

What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?

Servo

I don't wanna know.

Joel

What is it?

Servo

It's an 8x10 (photo) of Richard Basehart and some RAM chips!

Joel

[disappointed] Oh brother; another great mystery of the universe explained.

[exposing Russ] And that healthy food, that I'm paying for, you know what I found out about that food? Tropp's feeding canned dog food, and he calls it beef stew.

[in disbelief] Oh, no.

Not canned, it should be dry! That's part of the agreement.

... what do you mean he wouldn't? He's doing it! Mother, I saw the empty cans. I guess you didn't know this was going on, did you?

No! Maybe Mr. Tropp doesn't!

He knows every move that's made.

Well Bob, it's... it's uh- it's just that Russ is very ambitious.

When did you start calling him Russ?

Sure! Got a bunch of people assigned to him, on your orders, their help is he gets them for six bits a day, and feeds them slop!

It's not slop, it's Science Diet and it's very expensive, young man!

… and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.

Joel

Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!

… having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…

And then tragedy struck -- we ran out of stock footage!

Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.

Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.

[singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.

I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.

But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First--

We're small. We can run fast.

Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.

And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait -- that's the scorpion's good point.

Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…

Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.

Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.