Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[as Bob Barker] What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop!

Servo

[as Game Show Announcer] Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia!

Joel

[adding a "prize disclaimer"] From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609.

Hey, look; Peter Graves!

Servo

Who's buried in Peter's grave?

Joel

James Arness!

[continues to boast about his "human robot"] With its shining pension, no human being on this earth can oppose me!

Servo

Wait, a human robot? There's a flaw right there.

Servo

[as Cody beats up Retik] That's for Bryant Gumbel; that's for Gene Shalit; and that's for dressing up like Carmen Miranda! God, that was dumb!

Those are all Bob Mackie creations, aren't they?

[as he and one of his fellow scientists are fleeing an approaching Moon Men tank, pointing towards a narrow cliff opening] Maybe we can dodge around those rocks and lose 'em.

Servo

Maybe you can use the ray gun. Y'know the big one that blows up things? Like Moon Cars, perhaps?

Just a few moments ago, Petro was a man; a harmless good-natured man. Look at him now!

Servo

[as Cameron] Now Bingo is his name-oh!

[of wolf-man Petro] Now he's his own best friend!

There are institutions for madmen-

Servo

[as Professor] Like the Pentagon!

-And we'll see to it you're confined in one!

Servo

[as the visions vanish] You would think since that was his imagination, he'd at least have them be afraid of him.

We shall see, gentlemen; we shall see...

Joel

Next comes the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Joel

[of the farmer's superstituous mother/mother-in-law] She's stoned; Whistler's Mother is stoned.

Servo

At least Popeye got that operation he always wanted.

[towards Dr. Cameron] I do not care to be ridiculed by a charlatan!

Servo

[as Fitzgerald] Or you!

[confides to her father Cameron about her concerns over their house] There's something here that's evil. It's real and I can feel it; and I'm afraid!

Servo

[as Lenore] It makes me want to sing!

[towards reporter Tom, as they observe the recently murdered Professor Blaine] This should make a gory enough story for your paper.

Tom

It's more than just a story to me; [Cameron] was my friend.

Joel

[as Tom] It would make a great story. Maybe even a movie- with a sequel!

Fitzgerald was driving Petro into town with him. Surely you don't think-

Tom

I don't know what to think!

Servo

[as Tom] And stop calling me Shirley!

[snapped out of a trance towards Lenore by Dr. Cameron] I don't know what's come over me; I must have a touch of Swamp Fever.

That's very likely. Now off to bed; I'll get something for it.

Servo

I had a Marsh Rash once.

Servo

You like long walks in the rain?

Chinese food?

Servo

Mushing up your ice cream?

Joel

[in bemusement] My robots; I think I'll keep 'em- turned off.

[in terror] Petro; stay back!

Servo

[as Petro steps forward to strangle Cameron] I'll show you how the choke chain feels!

Joel

And it don't feel good.