A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
Most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 1,660 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (818), Mike Nelson (376), Joel Robinson (271)
[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]
First of all, take a look. [holds up bread] A loaf of bread.
Eat every piece!
. . .
Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important?
That's exactly the way I feel about it.
[miserably] I have to. It's all I've got!
You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking...
[cut to a montage of grocers]
What a moron.
That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.
What's he on?
Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect.
What does he want from me?
Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself.
Why can't he leave me alone?
I like to do business with salesmen like that.
But his bread sucks.
[explaining his work philosophy] The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this [taps head] and this. [taps inventory book]
A hat and a pad.
[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]
Be sure to wear a clean shirt...
Be sure to get a brand-new chin.
...and your favorite tie.
Now you're ready to rub out Sonny Corleone!
[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]
...You will look poised and dignified.
Uh, no you won't.
. . .
Don't do this during the speech.
Red Zone Cuba (movie)
[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]
John Carradine!
Was he always a hundred years old?
[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]
[deep voice] John Carradine for Viceroy.
[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]
[lisping] Sal Mineo for Viceroy!
[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]
Men, we're shoving off right after sundown...
You shove off!
…and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.
At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach.
Ted, you take Havana.
[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]
Ah! I think my neck got broken in that jump cut!
[sighs] I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "I just don't know!"
I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me!
[Mike- left worn out by the film- masquerades as Carol Channing to cope through the inner pain]
I see, this movie must've really gotten to ya. (. . .) [mockingly imitating Carol's voice] Well, it's just sensational that you're Carol Channing!
[rebuking] What are you doing? Stop that! As Carol Channing, I must say that's really annoying.
[depressed sigh] You know, aside from the fact that I'll never again experience joy in my life, I don't think Red Zone Cuba had any kind of negative effect on me...
Yeah, even being Carol Channing didn't shield me from the effect of this one...
Well, hey! I know what we can do to cheer ourselves up! Let's sing us a bouncy, upbeat song! Okay!?
That's a great idea!
Okay!
Hit it, Cambot! [singing] Whenever I want to cry and bawl, Because I'm feeling sad, I think of ironing boards and drywall, And then I don't feel so bad!
Whenever I'm feeling down and blue And sorry for myself I get some staples and some glue And I'm happy as an elf!
[singing] Whenever I start to mope and pout And there's nothing left in my soul I check the toilet paper and if we're out I buy another roll!
[singing] Have you ever touched a Post-it Note? Have you ever looked at boots? Have you ever sat down in a chair? Have you ever used a paper clip?
[singing] So if you listen to our advice,
[singing] And you wanna feel terrific!
[singing] Do things that make you feel nice,
[singing] I wish we could be more specific!
What country is this taking place in?
Europe.
[Over a shot of man watching security cameras in a control booth]
(in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time.
[On the rightmost monitor, we see the group of men walking into vision]
In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies.
Why can't I get the Red Shoe Diaries?
[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]
The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself.
They're coming up for more baking soda.
[Crow begins snickering.]
Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub.
[Crow snickers again.]
This set is at least three box tops.
[recovering his composure] Special effects by... Billy!
. . .
[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]
Don't go up there! You'll become a toy!
. . .
[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]
Okay. We can dive.
Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now.
Head towards the drain.
[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]
Das Toy Boat!
Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter?
Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter.
[Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]
You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too.
[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]
Olé!
[Crow giggles.]
And the way you dove out the window was just terrible!
[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]
Ooh, sorry, ma'am.
That's too bad.
Oh, come on! What about "he really fell for me"? Or "his hopes have been crushed"?
Tom ServoKevin Murphy · 1,542 quotes
Mike NelsonMichael J. Nelson · 824 quotes
Joel RobinsonJoel Hodgson · 542 quotes
NNarrator224 quotes
JJonah171 quotes
GGypsy75 quotes
EEmily69 quotes
CFDr. Clayton Forrester57 quotes
PFPearl Forrester26 quotes
MMax22 quotes
KFKinga Forrester21 quotes
JPJack Perkins20 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.