Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Aren't you coming with us?

[nervously] Nooo!

Me no got lead sarong.

Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!

Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.

Come on, God, why, why, why?! [groans]

Servo

This is-this is a madhouse, a madhouse! [groans]

Joel

Ugh, I never knew mountain time was so slow.

Servo

Please.

Stay with me, baby.

Come on, "stay with me, baby", is that all you can say?! [sobbing]

Servo

Kill them all, kill them, please, kill them! [sobbing]

Joel

Come on, hey you guys, calm down. Hey, it's only a movie, we can handle it. Okay? [pause] WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE WE? CAN WE GET A FRAME OF REFERENCE OR SOMETHING?!?!? PLEASE!!!

Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife?

Joel

No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.

The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.

If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there.

We kill…

Servo

Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.

… and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.

Joel

Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!

You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.

Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.

Called "Blood Alley"

No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...

It made you feel happy.

Here comes someone from one direction and...

...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.

Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe!

Servo

Well, I guess he can't be a witness...

Oh Ralph, what is it?!

[yelling] It's an iguana, now shut up!

[after a fall down the Deep 13 elevator shaft leaves him flattened like a pancake] I'm the Invention Exchange this week, then. Are you happy now? Everyone come take a big long gawk at the Pocket Scientist!

[while the SOL crew laugh] Nice improvisation on a standard theme! Joel, (your turn).

Joel

This invention is really something more of an organic nature. I sorta created it accidentally; when you've been marooned in space as long as I have, some of your personal effects can tend to get a bit randy. That's why I made this- the incredibly stinky sweat-socks. [pulls out two socks supported on wooden sticks, and both Crow and Servo faint from the stench] Works every time!

Servo

It's Joey the Lemur, a friend to mankind; a furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine.

Joel

Joey the Lemur, he's really to hug a lot and talk to, so fun, fun, fun!

Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere; Joey the Lemur, what heck kind of animal is it anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere- there's more.

Joel

That's okay. This is the lemur- native to Philippines and Madagascar, uh, and fictional planets like Nova. Uh, he's a clean, gregarious and good pet. [as Joey] You said it, pal! Boy, oh boy, pal of mine! You're the one for me!

Servo

Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine.

Joel

[as Joey, hitting Servo] Hey, can it, fire-plug! I've heard enough out of you! Let me tell you all a story.

Servo

[singing] Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks!

Joel

[as Joey] Boy, will I ever! I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried from the animal world, I don't mind tellin' you! I'm the Clown Prince of the Animal Kingdom who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpanzee. But make no mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, just hoping- here's hoping- they send a little more work our way.

Servo

L is for "Lemur"...

Joel

[as Joey] L is for Lemur- 'nuff said!

E is for "eat".

Joel

[as Joey] E is for eat. I eat four times my weight in nuts and berries; which has its consequences, but go figure!

M is for "monkey"!

Joel

[as Joey] M is for monkey... I'm often mistaken for a monkey; it goes with the territory, alright? On with the show!

Servo

U is for "unusual"...

...and "unpredictable"!

Joel

[as Joey] Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on Johnny Carson's sports coat! I don't travel well; let's go!

Servo

[uneasy] Uh, R is for "radical"...

...and "rambunctious"! [immediately ends up involuntarily mounted by Joey]

Joel

[as Joey] Randy as a jackrabbit; that's me, alright! Whoo-hoo!

Servo

Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur!

Friend to all mankind!

Sumiko!

I will as soon my lawyer gets here.

Brinkman! [An uneasy moment passes.] Have I changed that much?

Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!

Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!

Hey! The rocket!

Servo

[Snorts] Rockets!

On a picnic?

Help me! Hurry up!

Joel

Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid!

Servo

Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?

Joel

Yeah.

Servo

Yep!

Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…

Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...

Joel

They've just created Jennifer Beals.

Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?

Servo

[Sarcastically] No, it's another superhero of your own design!

They're controlling him.

It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!

Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it!

Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?

Joel

Um, no.

Servo

Not this kid.

[Sarcastically] Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat!

Servo

I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys...

He's got a foreign object!

Servo

He is a foreign object!