Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Mike

Wow! Dangerously steep stairs!

Servo

You're watching the stairs?

Poor Mike...

Servo

They're really gonna have to get their money laundered.

Steve Forbes and his wife!

Mike

You know, with my budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change.

Servo

Paper cuts are brutal.

The young Alan Greenspan!

Servo

They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars.

Mike

If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better.

You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster!

You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now.

Got greed?

Servo

Member, FDIC! [chuckles]

Mike

The S. S. Jo Anne Worley!

Is that Stud coming?

I beg your pardon?

Servo

"The Crawling Eye". The Marty Feldman Story.

Mike

Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in.

This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?

Servo

Hmmm.

Mike

Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of Sod-Laying Man!

Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently.

…unlike me.

Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes?

No, It was Bike-Gifting Man.

We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse!

The First Lutheran!

Your features are so… masculine.

You look like Pat Summerall.

No wonder you're built for hard labour.

You'll be giving birth to Paul Prudhomme.

Welcome back to the MST3K Blockbuster Review, featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see.

Servo

Um-hmm.

Mike

Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, Halloween Water, which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.

Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some [audio cuts out]in' book!

Oh! I've read some [audio cuts out]in' book!

Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.

I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.

I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on all inland bodies of water.

I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.

Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do now is lick that language problem.

… and Escobar here.

Joel

You know that puppet does his own stunts.

Does he really?

Servo

I personally don't believe that puppets should be on TV.

They've come back. Orson, bring them here at once.

Yes, sir.

What they have seen must never get back to Earth. Bring them here.

[entering the room] There's no need, Lunar Controller. On the assumption that his first note would be rejected and subject to our investigation, the World President authorized me to place you under close arrest, and escort you back to Earth.

Arrest me? You are fools, Earth men. Already a complex is being built. Soon, the Mysterons will come to take over the moon, and then the Earth.

We have seen the complex, and it will be destroyed.

No. You will never leave the moon alive. Any of you.

SID, prepare a Lunar rocket for immediate launch. We are leaving at once for the Earth.

Don't waste your breath.

A Lunar rocket is ready at bay three.

No! SID, this is the Lunar Controller. Seal all exits!

Come on.

Servo

[imitating a seal] Get it? Seal? ... never mind.

SID. I am giving you an order! Orson, seize them!

Let's go!

[standing in front of SID] I command you! SEAL! ALL! EXITS!

Servo

[imitating a seal again]

Joel

Okay, I get it...

It's no good, Lunar Controller, SID cannot identify you.

Servo

I figured you would.

I changed recognition disks with you last night.

[getting desperate] SID! This is the Lunar Controller! Stop them!!! SEAL! ALL! EXITS!

I'm sorry. Your recognition disk cannot authorize that.

Obey! OBEY! SEAL ALL EXITS!

I am sorry. Your recognition disk does not authorize that.

[pointing a gun at SID] This is your last chance, SID! Seal all exits!

I am sorry. Your recognition disk- [Lunar Controller begins to shoot SID repeatedly, causing SID to malfunction catastrophically] I... AM... SORRY...

[continuing to shoot SID repeatedly as an alarm sounds throughout the base] Obey! OBEY!!!

Joel

Alright already!

You know, there was an off switch, dumb-o.

I... AM... SORRY... I... AM... SOOOOORRRRRYYYYY...

Joel

I'm sorry you two had to see that.

It wasn't pretty.

Servo

I'm all choked up.

[singing It's a Long Way to Tipperary] It's a long way to tipperary... [*Thunk!*] To the sweetest girl I know...! [*Thunk!*] Goodbye to Noah Beery... [*Thunk!*] Hello Harold LLOOOOOOYD...! [*Thunk!*]

Mike

[O.S.] Crow!

Huh?

Mike

Crow, listen, you gotta stop!

Oh! Hi, Mike! I found a perfect spot! Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth! [*Thunk!*]

Servo

[hovering down] Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space!

Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn! [*Thunk!*] [continues singing]

Mike

[quickly rushes to Crow] Crow, no! You'll breach the hull!

Mike

[quickly rushing to something to hang onto for dear life] WOAAAH! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!

Woah, I didn't expect this!

Servo

Attaining.... Maximum RPM.... Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... Stabilize! There, that should do it— [gets sucked towards hole] WOOOAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Wow, this is confusing! Uh, Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations?

Thank you! Wow, look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined! Hah!

Servo

[screaming] WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA-AH! OH! OH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! OHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! AAAHHHHH! I LOVE YOU, MIIIIIIIKE! [*Sproing!*] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Mike

SERVO!

Mike

[impressed and satisfied] Attaboy, Servo!

I won't do that again!

Servo

Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT!

Mike

Now, Crow, I told you: no more escape attempts.

Well believe me Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and... I went ahead anyway.

Mike

Now, here you go. [pulls Servo off the hole, replacing him wth Crow's helmet that he removed earlier]

Servo

[upsettingly] Aw, darn!

It's time! Dr. F is calling for you!

Ah! Mike! Robots! I'm feeling particularly evil, because today's experiment is a stinky, cinematic suppository called This Island Earth! You may all just bow down before me after this stink-burger! Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me, recently!

Mike

Uh, sure, we have! Last week!

No, no, no. I think that was more of a curtsy of a bow. So, why won't we all just bow down... NOW? [cuts off life support systems]

Mike

Now, see, I don't see the reason why you make us— [starts choking]

[panicking] Bowing, sir!

Servo

[*Dialogue speed not understandable*]

Mike

Okay, Dr. Forrester! Geez!

What a dickweed!

Well, Now that we have our little fun, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment, uh, did you... y'know... go?

[dejected] Yes...

Because I don't want to have to stop the movie before... y'know...

You won't...

Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth! [pulls a lever]

Mike

Oh! We got MOVIE SIGN!