Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Only hurt and destruction can come from the feelings within you. It is your destiny to mate with an outsider, not to love him.

Island Tinder.

[to Syrene] I don't love you.

Okay, Syrene, play it cool. Don't let him know he's hurt you...

She really runs like a mermaid.

Wait. Stop. Come back.

There is still another place.

Where the watermelons grow?

You've been holding out.

It's very deep.

Yeah, but it's got pearls in it, right?

According to the lore of my people, the Rizion Channel has hundreds upon hundreds of pearls.

Boring mythology, but okay.

You've seen them?

No, but others in my village have.

And the fish down there? Totally naked.

What are we waiting for?

You mean, "For what are we waiting?"

It's very dangerous.

Logan invented YOLO? Take that, Drake.

To be fair, this movie makes me want to walk into the ocean, too.

I don't think some of these extras were prepared for how deep this was gonna get.

Servo

No one was.

Ariel's burial.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Fracties! The night where fractions come out to shine.

It's my honor to read the name of the student whom you have chosen as your next student body president. [is given an envelope] Envelope please, thank you. [gives it to the woman next to him]

I can't read.

And the winner is...

La La Land! Oh, not again...

Gage Dobson!

This is Gage Dobson's first win after being nominated for such daydreams as What If I Were a Robot With a Sword For an Arm? and Naked Book Report II.

Okay, and cue the bucket of pigs blood.

I'mma let you finish...

Do you think you'll ever get this Jeep running?

This bucket of bolts? Of course I will! Then I'll have to think of something to do with these hands.

Don't, you'll go blind!

Hey, where are you gonna sleep tonight?

Pal, any place is an improvement over that box. Actually, I was sort of hoping I could bunk down with you.

Ew.

You're gonna have to make your own bed though.

Don't worry about me, Pal. Hammer, nails, I come prepared.

Pontius Pilate sends his regards.

[dazed] I... am gonna kill... you.

Once... I deal... with this brain hem...o...rrhage.

Violence is the answer!

Wasn't football gonna do that anyway? I mean...

You just got en-Gaged! No wait, that's not it... something with Gage.

Gage's understudies.

Alright, break it up. Head for class. Gage, we gotta talk!

You're guilty of manslaughter, bud!

This is the most important thing I've ever asked anyone in my life.

Can you get me out of this movie?

Gage, you should never ask for anything unless you really want it.

I know.

Is that what the puppet team said to the concept artist for this movie?

[interrupting the party] Gaaage!

Servo

Garfield!

Dennis!

Malcolm!

Servo

ALLLVIIIN!!!

Cathy was sentenced to twelve years in prison for fraudulent catering charges on Elliot's missing credit card.

Elliot died on the prison farm and was vivisected by the other inmates. No charges have been filed.

Servo

Professor Crookshank was arrested for hijacking and held indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay. He does not expect a trial.

Hang on, main character, but fourth billed? Ouch.

Oh look dude, the master protects me from your puny weapons! You ain't got- [Gaudio shoots him in the leg]

My jelly pants!

IT HURTS!

Call him an ambulance.

You're an ambulance, sir.

I can't believe Doctor Mordrid was a Christmas movie the whole time!

Well, okay, but it wasn't though.

Servo

But there was a Christmas tree in it.

Well a Christmas tree doesn't make it a Christmas movie. 101 Dalmatians has a Christmas tree in it.

Well, what if it takes place on Christmas, and has a Christmas tree in it?

Servo

Like Die Hard.

Okay, it doesn't matter. Look at the release date. Die Hard came out July 15th, 1988. It's a summer blockbuster, not a Christmas movie.

Servo

How do you know when Die Hard came out?

I have this discussion a lot.

So if it came out at any point other than the Christmas season, it's not a Christmas movie?

That's right.

Servo

What about Nightmare Before Christmas?

Well, released October 13th, obviously a Halloween movie.

Elf?

Well, released November 7th, an early Thanksgiving parable about found families and sugar consumption.

Servo

It's a Wonderful Life?

While, actually released on January 7th, it's a New Year's morality play about the evils of forgetfulness.

Servo

So according to Newton's third law of motion, any movie that comes out in the Christmas season is a Christmas movie?

Me and Newton are on the same page there.

Then Titanic is a Christmas movie!

Yep. And I'll die on this hill, and if the hill comes out in late December, I'll call it a Christmas hill.