Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

...I am about to use this thing for scrap. We need something that'll stay on more than ten minutes at a time.

Those things still cost money, right?

Thing's older than I am.

Still works harder.

Says the drunk guy.

As I keep saying, I would happily work hard at the job I thought I was hired for.

Well I thought I needed a jaded barista.

We settled this. You're lucky I even hired you.

It helped that I was the only applicant.

Joel

Ooh, another LinkedIn success story.

Now what can I do for you miss...

Fontaine. Delilah Fontaine.

Miss Fontaine.

Call me Lilah.

So, Karen...

Leslie...

Sandy...

Any relation to Charles Fontaine?

He's my father.

Let me stop you there.

Tony.

I don't do missing persons.

I think you'll find this particular case to be of interest.

Look lady, as much as I'd like to help you, I can't find your old man. It doesn't matter how many zeroes you put on the check.

Because Nick don't do math.

You really don't have to do this, Nick. I can get a hotel room.

I do this for all my clients.

Yes, I see them under your bed.

Well, you know. All my attractive, single clients.

Oh, I get it. You're a pig!

What's The Stranger planning?

Joel

Stranger Things?

Well, he has the dagger, so use your imagination.

Hmmm... dragons.

That's all I know. Now can I go?

Sure, do you need your parking validated?

[after Nick startles her] I'm starting to see why you're single.

Pretty cool, huh?

[surprised] ... Wow.

Servo

Yeah, a real, live woman.

Pretty niiice!

Servo

I guess we're watching Gamera's acting reel now?

Has Gamera been in other movies?

Oh yeah, Gamera's been in a lot of movies. Gamera vs. Guiron, Gamera vs. Gyaos, Gamera vs. Barugon, Gamera vs. The Bridges of Madison County, and Gamera vs. Kramer vs. Kramer.

Wow, I didn't realize that Gamera was such a versatile performer.

Oh, totally.

Servo

Yeah, he's like the Meryl Streep of giant turtle actors. He's not afraid to do intimate character work.

Yeah, that's what I like about him.

Jiger's all like, "Why don't we put a pin in this?"

Jiger uses dash! It's super effective!

They'll unload it.

[in a heavy hard to understand accent] These men should teach you a lesson. They're not afraid if some old curse gets them.

If anyone needs subtitles in this movie, it's her.

[singing] Gamera flies like a plane! He likes pleasure mixed with pain! Never kink shame Gamera!

[singing] It's not just my arm that is bleeding / It's part of my neck meat as well / But it's mainly my ego that's bleeding / Why must I come out of my shell?

[singing] Sure, everyone knows me as Gamera / The turtle the kids all adore / But if I get stabbed by a Jiger / Will they even like me anymore?

[singing] For the love of the children is fickle / You have it, then it disappears / They'll love you, and leave you tomorrow / As soon as the city smoke disappears.

[singing] You'd say Gamera, sure he's got everything / The power, flight, looks, and fame / Then into town swims Kaiju come lately / They don't even remember my name.

[singing] Gamera's the friend of all children / Of that, the whole world can agree / Oh Gamera's friends with the children / But who gives their friendship to me?

[singing] Sure, I've been singing a long time / I'm a ham with a long way to go / Because after all, I'm a turtle / And turtles do everything slow.

[singing] And turtles do everything slooow...

[singing] Gamera take the body home! Gonna eat the flesh from bone! Keto diet Gamera!

Oh weird, they're being trailed by cans and a banner that says "Just married".

[singing] Gamera's a movie that has no end in sight! No going home! This is now your life!

Wow, Gotham got hit hard by the recession.

Spaghetti westerns only wish they were Sultry Jazz Westerns.

Batwoman, when will you release your tax returns?

Servo

Batwoman, what's your position on pants?

Is it true the Snyder Cut of Batwoman has 25% more spearfishing?

You're about to witness the discovery of the century!

Stock footage!

From the depths of the ocean, over 400 million years ago, surfaced the beginnings of the human race!

Is this a Scientology pitch?

And it all began with the first vertebrate, the fish! Starting from that point, we will make the regress into the dawn of evolution.

Oh, edibles are hitting.

And we will create a new being with the likeness of our ancestors: a human amphibious hybrid! [laughs maniacally]

Oh, now I hate when comedians laugh at their own jokes.

[bringing Batwoman to Dr. Williams] Boss, look who we found! Get in here!

Pow!

Servo

Biff!

Grab!

Lunge!

Servo

Acid!