Monk · Season 6
[Monk and Natalie are talking to Randy to see if he has any ideas on how to beat Linda Fusco's alibi]
Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.
There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.
Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?
My crazy theories, like what?
Like me being in love with you?
Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?
Too close to call.
[Pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?
I don't feel like it.
I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.
Who is that?
I'm with the FBI [Pause], in Washington D.C., [pause] watching you on my computer [Pause] screen.
Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.
He is not a federal agent.
Yes, he, I am.
No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself, and hates his life, and isn't happy unless EVERYBODY ELSE IS AS MISERABLE AS HE IS!
Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.
How, how?
How?! We're the FBI, that's how!
Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!
And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?
He's looking inside your purse! He can see your wad of singles! [Looks towards Monk and Natalie] Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man! Here. [Takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room] What do you think of that?!
Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life. Linda Fusco will still be guilty. [He and Natalie walk away]
[Linda is showing Natalie around an apartment]
Where's Adrian? I thought you two were always together.
Oh, he does something every Wednesday.
It's Thursday.
And Thursday. You know Mr. Monk, he can't just hang around. He has to go back and check his work.
[About Natalie's motorcycle] Where did you get that?
From a biker friend of mine. I did him a favor once.
What kind of favor?
Do you really want to know?
No.
[About Julie's new relationship] Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?
What? [Monk is standing on a chair and unscrewing the cover for an air vent]
Please! I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!
[Looks around desperately] What about him? [Points at Mr. Morissey]
Mr. Morrisey?
Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.
[He finishes removing the vent screws with a screwdriver and moves the cover aside to find a handgun and ammunition stashed inside]
What is it?
It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?
So he had another gun.
But there's-there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun. [He puts the gun back] I don't think he had another gun. [Natalie stands on another chair to be at the same height as Monk]
Mr. Monk, this is important to me! Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!
Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...
That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.
Huh?
...In this particular case.
[Monk is giving Julie "the talk"]
[Loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk. [Edges toward the door] This is the end of the talk...
Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?
[Whispering] What are you doing?
No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?
Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand? [Julie starts to cry, Monk continues, still whispering] No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying. [Louder] What you're feeling is perfectly normal! [Whispering] What you're feeling is probably normal.
It's just... how did you know?
All right... [gives her his handkerchief and sits down] I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."
Was it wonderful?
Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...
Until I find Trudy?
Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are viewing a blurry surveillance tape of the courthouse lobby]
Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry! Can you make it bigger?
Well it's already enhanced.
Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
But they're both dead.
Ginger Rogers is not dead.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that y-you can't tell who or what they are!
[Disher presses play on the tape]
Look. [Uses a marker to circle two blurs passing each other on camera] Right here. See? He comes in. They shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.
[Notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
No, it will rub off. [Stottlemeyer attempts to rub the marker off the monitor, with no success]
I don't think so. [Randy also makes a bad attempt at getting the marker to come off]
Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.
You're worse than Monk. [Walks out of the room]
Okay, let's go over it again, from the top.
[Reading from his notebook] Okay. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
Maybe...
[From the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
[Wryly] Thank you.
Anytime.
Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [Pause, then everyone turns to Rita]
Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
What chocolate cake?! Who are you?
This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook.
That's true but if you look at the picture, the big picture, I mean, it's plain as day! He's the guy.
Was the wife insured?
No.
So where's your motive?
Wake up! [Scoots her chair over] You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.
He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he cared about was the rug.
You're cute.
No, I'm not.
You ever unbutton that top button?
Uhh...
There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their records - their bank records, their emails, their phone records. We talked to their friends - There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.
Look, I know I've seen them someplace.
Where?
I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.
Well, they lived in different worlds. [Hands them one file] Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions: bad checks, drugs; a couple of burglaries. [Hands over another file] And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest - one in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.
[Monk and Natalie are trying to return ashes to several cremation urns they have accidentally spilled]
Wait! What are you doing? [Monk is pouring some ashes from one urn into another]
It's not even.
Mr. Monk, those are people! Maybe they weren't the same size!
Well they are now!
[They finish cleaning up just as Sherman and the funeral director come up]
[One of Troy Kroger's teenaged friends is admiring Natalie]
How old do you think she is?
34, maybe?
That's twice my age.
So, when you're 60, she'll be 120!
[Monk and Troy are playing 20 Questions while trapped in Troy's car after Steven Connolly buries the car under a pile of gravel]
Mineral. It's a mineral.
[Pause] Is it gravel?
[Crying] Yes, it's gravel. Gravel! It's gravel! It's everywhere!
[Randy tries to justify to Stottlemeyer his reasoning as to why he would like one of the dead bank robber's coupons]
What are you getting at?
Circle of life.
That's The Lion King.
Yes, I know, but instead of a lion, it's me, and instead of a baby cub, it's a diet coke.
All right, Randy, I'll let you have the receipt, on one condition: you know what you just said about the lion and the baby cub and the diet coke? You don't ever repeat that as long as I am alive. Understood?
[Two kindergarten kids want to give Harold a poster of him as he is walking with Joey]
They wanted to give you this. [Hands Harold and Joey a poster]
It's a picture of you!
That's me, huh? [Looks at the sketch of him] Well, I hope not! Look at the size of my head!
I'm surprised you can stand up! [They laugh together. Harold notices a bridge]
And what is that?
The Golden Gate Bridge.
Really? What's keeping it up? Magic? Because I don't see any suspension cables! Joey, you got a pen? [To the kids] What's the matter with you? [Takes a Sharpie and draws a few suspension cables onto the kids' drawing of the Golden Gate Bridge] NOW it's a bridge.
It's basic physics.
They're only six years old.
They're not gonna learn any younger. That's what my Uncle Ronnie always says.
[Notices an unusual looking black object in the upper left corner] What's this? A bird? My God, it must be 20 feet long!
Yeah! It looks like Mothra! Remember that old movie? [Harold and Joey scream and snarl like the birds in the movie in question. The kids recoil, terrified]
[Nervously] You're on the school board?
Yeah. [Joey's cell phone rings]
Hello?
Mr. Krenshaw?
' That's right.
This is Dr. Levine calling from Reno. You wanted me to call if there was a change in your uncle's condition. I'm afraid it doesn't look good. You might want to think about coming home to say goodbye.
How long does he have?
Five days, maybe a week. I'm sorry, sir.
Thank you, doctor. [He walks back over to Harold, who in this time has written all sorts of comments over the kids' poster] All right, kids, you've got your notes. Why don't you go back to school and try again? [Hands the poster over to them]
That was nice. Who was that? (on the phone)
Cousin, that was money calling, endorsement money. You ever heard of Neptune Energy Bars?
No.
Well, they've heard of you. They want to pay you $10,000 to be in their next commercial.
Really?
Yeah, they're on a tight schedule. They need to shoot tomorrow morning. You think you're up for it?
Randy is reciting the burned out car's VIN to the Captain so he can enter it into a database search]
First letter, "T" as in "tsunami".
"Tsunami"?
Silent "T".
What? No. "T" as in "Tom". Just say "Tom".
What's the difference?
It doesn't... The "T" is silent.
It's not completely silent. "T-sunami".
All right. All right. Let's go.
Second letter, "P" as in...
..."P" as in "Paul".
No.
Too late. I typed it. "P".
Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.
That's how who does it?
Society. We live in a society.
Yes, we do, Randy! Meanwhile, the "P" has been sitting on my screen for ten minutes!
Fine. "P" for "Pam". No! "Panavision". "Tsunami", "Panavision", next letter, "L".
"L".
As in... No, we'll come back to that one.
No, we can't come back to it, Randy! [The phone rings; Stottlemeyer answers] Whoever this is, thank you very much for calling.
You should have seen him at that hearing. Staring at me, he hates me. At least we have that in common.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
