Mr. Monk, I'm kinda of choosey about who I make out with.
What? You made out with a leper!
That's different. You sent him to prison, why don't you make out with him?
S6Mr. Monk and the Wrong Man
Mr. Monk, I don't think he wants your help.
How do you know?
Well, the "curl up and die" thing was kind of a hint.
This is a bad (3x), man. Sherry, I made a mistake, and then I compounded the mistake. Don't you make the same mistake, by compounding... my other... mistake... my first...
[Repeated throughout the episode] It wasn't me!
[Handing Max a box] All right, Max, this is for you... Ah, it's... it's a little something.
MBMax Barton
Yeah? Fourteen years of my life in there.
No, just mostly caramels.
Pretzel.
And a chocolate pretzel.
[Captain Stottlemeyer tells Randy to look into a 14 years old murder case] It wasn't my case.
Excuse me, what did... Did you just say it wasn't your case?
No Sir! I said your cousin has a face.
[After accidentally angering Barton by telling him that his ex-wife might be seeing someone else] I could be wrong, Max, I am not an expert on toilet seats. Did she stand up when she made water? Look, I could be wrong.
S6Mr. Monk Is Up All Night
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are heading to a scene; Randy is wearing Captain America pajamas]
Let's go.
Should we take my car or your invisible plane?
That's Wonder Woman.
Well, maybe we can borrow it. Why don't you give her a call?
S6Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus
[Monk, Natalie and Julie are stuck in gridlock]
Oh, I hate Christmas.
How can you not like Christmas?
Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.
But it's so joyful!
Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [Honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!
[Monk inadvertently fulfills Brandy's wildest fantasies by looking straight into the camera and saying] I just wanted to say some children watching. I did not shoot Santa Claus. That man was not Santa Claus. There's no such thing as Santa Claus.
[Trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.
I'm sure you can.
So, before Trudy, what was Christmas like for you?
Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.
Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.
Pick a year.
Uh... 1964.
1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.
[Being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...
Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.
[Monk and Natalie notice Michael Kenworthy and Monk begins to give chase]
Call the Captain! Tell him to stop the orange truck!
Where are you going?!
I'm going after Santa Claus!
[After him] No! Mr. Monk, no! Mr. Monk, are you sure?! I mean, a hundred thousand percent sure?! It's hard on me, too!
[Monk and Natalie are being interviewed by Brandy Barber after Monk takes down Michael Kenworthy]
BBBrandy Barber
The Star Of Bethlehem, a symbol of hope and peace to millions of people around the world, would have been lost to the world forever, had it not been for the courage of one man, former police detective Adrian Monk. Adrian? Brandy Barber, Channel 6 News.
Yeah, we remember.
BBBrandy Barber
How does it feel to be an American hero?
He's a... bad Santa. Very bad, bad, Santa. Bad, bad, bad Santa.
S6Mr. Monk Joins a Cult
[About Amanda Clark] She became a member of the world's oldest profession.
Stone mason, huh?
No. Prostitute.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.