Natalie Teeger quotes from Monk

Natalie

Are they sure it's really him?

Lt. Disher

The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.

Natalie

He's alive!

Natalie Teeger

He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]

Adrian Monk

Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.

Natalie Teeger

How long have they been married?

Adrian Monk

Forever. Karen and Leland? They've never had a thing in common. I remember... this one weekend he went hunting. She stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. Victim was poisoned; somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.

Adrian Monk

Was he part of the heist?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.

Natalie Teeger

Where's the diamond?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.

Adrian Monk

We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.

Natalie Teeger

So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.

Natalie Teeger

[holds up file] Ka-ching!

Adrian Monk

[to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.

Natalie Teeger

[noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.

I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.

Lt. Randall Disher

It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.

Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!

Lt. Randall Disher

And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?

OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.

Lt. Randall Disher

And you didn't hear anything unusual?

No, sir. I was three floors away.

Lt. Randall Disher

Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?

Lt. Randall Disher

Monk, Nat.

Adrian Monk

What's going on?

Lt. Randall Disher

What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.

Natalie Teeger

Whoa!

Lt. Randall Disher

I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.

Adrian Monk

So you're not arresting him about the drugs?

Lt. Randall Disher

Uh, no, what drugs?

Adrian Monk

His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.

Lt. Randall Disher

Okay, I'll look into it. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis. [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B. [Randy leaves with Landis to head to the interrogation room]

Monk

Ugh, Natalie. What am I gonna do? The whole city reeks.

Natalie

I'm starting to get used to it.

Monk

You are? Really? Then you're gonna love Hell.

Monk

Listen. Listen. It's a truck. That sounds like a garbage truck, right?

Natalie

Mr. Monk, it's not a garbage truck.

Monk

They've settled the strike. It's all over! T-turn on the news. Uh. False alarm. It's a...bus.

[On TV] All we want-- All we've ever wanted is a fair contract for ourselves and for our families. This union is willing to stay out for as long as it takes. Two weeks! Two months! We will never back down! We will never surrender! It's all his fault.

Monk

[Mocking] Jimmy Cusack. Hate that guy. Wish he was dead.

Natalie

Don't say that.

Monk

I do. I wish he was dead.

Natalie

What if something happened to him? You'd feel terrible.

Monk

No, I wouldn't.

Natalie

Yeah, you would.

Monk

No. I wouldn't.

Natalie

Yeah, you would.

Natalie

Where's your garbage? [Coughs] Did you just mail your garbage to somebody? These are desperate times, Natalie. [Whispers] Desperate times.

Natalie

What? [TV announces death of Jimmy] Are you happy?

Monk

No.

Natalie

Got your wish.

Monk

Wha--? No. Y-you think I did this?

Natalie

Yeah. I think you did. With your karma! You said you wanted the guy dead.

Monk

I was joking. It's a figure of speech.

Natalie

Well, Mr. Monk, you need to be careful what you wish for. Look. [Points to TV] Because of his death, the union has stopped all negotiations. Nobody's talking. The strike's gonna go on for years. Good job.

Monk

[Locks his hands] Up you go.

Natalie

What?

Monk

Take a look, check it out. Up you go.

Natalie

Up you go.

Monk

Up you go!

Natalie

Up you go!

Monk

Up you go!

Natalie

I'm just the assistant!

Monk

I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist", from the Latin meaning, "UP YOU GO!"

Natalie

Well, higher! [Straining, Monk does so] Oh my God!

Monk

What is it?

Natalie

Oh my God!

Monk

Natalie, what is it?

Natalie

There are footprints!

Monk

Footprints... down you go.

Natalie

Okay, down I go?

Monk

Down you go.

Natalie

Down we go.

Natalie

So you've never won anything in your whole life?

Monk

Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.

Natalie

Well, that's something.

Monk

But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.

Natalie

Well, at least you got invited to the party!

Monk

It was my party, okay, it was my mother!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.

Natalie

Yeah, it's okay. That's not going to give her much time. It's all right. [Starts to head for the door, but then stops, and turns around] Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention! My cousin works for a PR firm for the '49ers.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No kidding!

Natalie

Yeah! Joe Montana's gonna be in town on Thursday! He's shooting some commercial. You wanna meet him?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Joe Montana? Sure!

Natalie

Okay, you're not too busy?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No, no. No, I'm sure we can make that work.

Natalie

Oh, great, because I lied! But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday! Julie will be here after school. Thanks! [Grins, and leaves the office].

Natalie

You okay?

Monk

Girl's bathroom.

Natalie

What are you afraid of? [Pokes Monk] Cooties?

Monk

Don't laugh. The jury's still out on cooties. If we could only get more federal funding...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

So, how’s it look, Doc?

Uh, okay. The liquid that hit him was a mixture of detergent and muriatic acid. Both of his corneas have been scarred, and there is nerve damage.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Which means what, exactly?

It’s hard to say. Sometimes the tissue grows back by itself, and sometimes it doesn’t.

Natalie

[Stroking Monk's shoulder] Shh... it’s okay, Mr. Monk. [To Dr. Jackman] [[[w:Fear of the dark|He’s afraid of the dark]].

Well, he might have to get used to it, at least for a while. Excuse me. [She leaves and Randy steps forward]

Lt. Disher

Monk?

Monk

Huh?

Lt. Disher

It’s Randy! I’m speaking to you. I’m standing right in front of you. [Randy waves his hand in front of Monk’s face and squats] Now I’m squatting. I’m about eye-level. I just want you to know that we’re gonna find the man who did this to you. I’m gonna work on this case 24/7. I don’t care how long it takes. Except for May 11th. Uh, my niece is getting confirmed, and there’s a reception the night before, so I’m probably gonna need... [Turns to Stottlemeyer] I’m probably gonna need that whole weekend off, actually…

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Sternly] Randy...

Lt. Disher

So from the 11th to the 13th...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Randy! I didn’t think this was possible, but you’re making this situation worse.

Monk

Is it straight?

Natalie

It’s perfect.

Monk

I’ll never see her face again.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, don’t say that!

Monk

Am I crying?

Natalie

No.

Monk

Huh, it feels like I’m crying. It feels like I’m crying all the time. [Walks over to the couch and sits down] Natalie, my life is over. Forget about me. You have to move on. Get another job.

Natalie

I am not going anywhere! Look at me! [Stops and regains control] Your life is not over! You could still do anything! There’ve been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.

Monk

Like who?

Natalie

Like Ray Charles! And, um, you know…

Monk

Yeah?

Natalie

You know…uh, I mean, come on. Uh, um, uh... Mr. Magoo.

Monk

Who’s that?

Natalie

Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um, an inventor.

Monk

Really?

Natalie

An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.

Monk

And he was blind?

Natalie

I don’t wanna talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.

Monk

Me neither.

Natalie

What's so important, Randy?

Lt. Disher

I think we've got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway; he was wearing the fireman's coat.

Natalie

Who is he?

Lt. Disher

A guy named Colbert, Jake Colbert. He's a drifter; he lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?

Monk

Oh, I don't know. Maybe you haven't heard: I am blind.

Natalie

But you'll do the best you can, right? You can't give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.

Monk

Oh have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind! [They meet Stottlemeyer outside the squad room door]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Monk, hey. I like the cane. You look kinda dapper.

Natalie

So you found the guy?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

We found a guy. He's the right height, does not have an alibi, and he was wearing the missing coat.

Natalie

Did his shoes squeak?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Don't know. He was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn't matter because we don't need shoes when I've got an eyewitness.

Monk

[Following Stottlemeyer into the squad room] So to speak.

I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I’m cautiously optimistic. [Monk moans a little bit] Is that how he takes good news?

Natalie

Yeah, it is.

Look, if you could just stick around for a bit, I’d like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Thank you, Doctor. We’ll be here.

Natalie

Isn’t that great? She sounded so hopeful!

Monk

Hope. I hate hope’s guts!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Hey, what happened to all your confidence?

Monk

I don’t know, Leland. Maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground! I’m so pathetic! I’m half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I’m…

Lt. Disher

Five-sixteenths of a man.

Monk

Thank you, Randy.

Lt. Disher

Oh, no, wait. Three-eighths of a man.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Hey, would you quit whining? The bad guy [Murdoch]’s on a slab downstairs, we get to go home. In my book, that’s a good day.