Captain Leland Stottlemeyer quotes from Monk

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Excuse me, but do I have to remind both of you that two nights ago the guy who lived here got torn apart in a trash compactor?

Natalie

I bet he was "surprised"!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[To Monk] I know she's been trying to throw you a party, and, um, she's going to. Oh, she's gonna get you.

Natalie

I'm gonna get you.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

But this is a murder victim's place of residence. Do you honestly think she would do it here?

Monk

No. No, I don't. And that is precisely why I do. And because I do, I don't. So yes, I do.

Lt. Disher

A blow dart, you know, a poison dart.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

What happened to the dart? It would have been sticking in his neck.

Lt. Disher

Not necessarily. There could have been a long elastic wire attached to the blowdart. [Pause] They're called dartarangs.

How do you know they're called dartarangs?

Lt. Disher

Because they're probably called dartarangs. Or at least that's what they should be called.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Whispers to T.K.] Just nod your head and say "Maybe".

Maybe.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Interesting, Randy. Interesting.

Monk

We're being followed.

Natalie

Oh my God. Oh my God. What do I do? [The car phone rings; Stottlemeyer's name appears on the display] It's the Captain. [They answer]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Are you guys okay?

Natalie

We're being followed.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Is it a black SUV?

Monk

Yes.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Nevada plates?

Monk

Yes.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Okay, stay calm. We just got word that someone put out a $20,000 contract on your life.

Monk

A contract?

Natalie

On both of us, or just him?

Sharona

Excuse me, I'd like a lodge a complaint against one of your officers.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Not looking up] What did he do?

Sharona

He hasn't written or called me in five years.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You're gonna have a breakdown. I love Natalie. And I love Sharona, too. They're both wonderful women. You got lucky twice. But together, they're like bourbon and vodka: I love them both, but I can't have them at the same meal because they don't mix. These women are so different, Monk. They're going to tear you apart like a piece of saltwater taffy.

Monk

I know, I've been a piece of taffy all day. Natalie's been acting like Mary, Queen of Scots. She wants more money. I mean, she won't lay down in the dirt when I ask her. I'm losing her.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

And it's only gonna get worse.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Talking to a search party] Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.

Lt. Disher

Although any dead body would be of interest to us.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Thank you, Randy.

Lt. Disher

Now he's afraid that she'll identify him.

Monk

How?

Lt. Disher

She could bark at him.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Randy, as far as I know, in the State of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.

Lt. Disher

Maybe DeWitt's afraid they'll change the rule.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Change the rule against dogs testifying in court?

Lt. Disher

I don't know, one of those referendums. It is California.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired I don't even know if that makes sense.

Lt. Disher

I'm taking four kids camping this weekend. It's going to be so much fun. Everybody's going to get a badge.

Monk

Almost everybody.

Lt. Disher

Hey, do you want to come? I could use the help.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Eh, no.

Lt. Disher

Do you have plans?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No.

Lt. Disher

You're not feeling well?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No.

Lt. Disher

Well, I hope you feel better.

Monk

All right, I would like to say a few words about our friend, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Thank you, thank you very much.

Monk

[Reads from a notecard] And it goes like this: "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." There's more, there's more. "The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer, whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco, who was later convicted of first-degree murder?'" Wait, wait. "And then Leland says, 'That's right.' And then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster! And you wanna get married again? You're crazy! No wonder you have a duck on your head!'" And Leland says-

Capt. Stottlemeyer

And Leland says, "I need a drink!" [He gets much applause from the other cops]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Stephanie! Do you have a minute?

Actually, Leland, I'm a little busy right now. Can it wait?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No. It really can't.

Monk

You say you've known T.K. for twelve years?

Yeah.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Where were you before that? You never said.

Monk

Who were you before that? [Stottlemeyer starts to advance on Stephanie]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You ever heard of a group called the Earth Avengers?

What are you talking about?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Martin Kettering. Was he a friend of yours?

Leland, I know that you've been through a hard week, but-

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Here's what I know: I know that we're going back inside. We have a few things to talk about.

Okay not today, Leland.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I'll bet you a week's pay that that's a .9 millimeter.

Monk

That's the gun you killed Martin Kettering with.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

What was it doing with my tuxedo?

Monk

That's what this whole thing has been about. You were in that group with Martin Kettering, and you've been a fugitive for 12 years.

Just shut up.

Monk

I already started. It's very hard for me to stop.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It's true, you have to let him finish. Go ahead.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Just go home. We have nothing more to say, just go home.

Monk

He doesn't wanna talk to you any more. He hates your... guts.

All I wanted to say is, I love you. I'm not leaving you again. [Stephanie produces the gun and points it at T.K.]

In that case, you're coming with us. Get in the car, T.K! [T.K. gasps, shocked at what Stephanie's true nature]

Monk

Not in the front, though, 'cause I'm-

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[To T.K.] Don't worry. It's not loaded.

Oh, it's not, huh? [She fires a live round into the air, but fails to see the slide lock back]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It's empty now. [Produces the gun's magazine] Here's your clip. You had one in the chamber. You're under arrest; turn around. [He shoves her into the side of her car]

Ow! That hurt!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Good. [He handcuffs her, and hands her off to Monk, who leads her away. Stottlemeyer turns to T.K.] Are you gonna marry me or not?

Absolutely.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk is back. Back where he belongs. [Monk stands up and reads from a notecard]

Monk

Seventy years ago, Thomas Wolf wrote, "You can't go home again..."

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Monk, you don't have to say anything.

Monk

Thank God. [Sits down]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Okay, our first order of business is the Pick Axe Killer.

Lt. Disher

The Gold Rush Killer.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It's not the Gold Rush Killer, Randy.

Lt. Disher

But they used pickaxes.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Randy, forget about the Gold Rush Killer! Okay?

Lt. Disher

Yes, sir.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

We're moving on. Now, I don't have to tell you how important this case is but we have caught a break. We have a witness - a woman who lived down the hall from victim #5 has given us a description of the killer.

Lt. Disher

[About Monk, at Officer Russell DiMarco's wake] I don't see him.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

He's here somewhere. Separated the fruit salad.

Lt. Disher

[On the phone] All right, I'll call you later. [Hangs up]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Who was that?

Lt. Disher

That was the Deputy Commissioner.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Deputy Commissioner Patrick Watson?

Lt. Disher

Yeah, that's right.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You said, "I love you."

Lt. Disher

I do... love him. I think he's doing a great job. Why? Why? You don't think he's...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No, I think he's doing a fine job. I don't tell him that I love him.

Lt. Disher

Well, maybe you should. It's just common courtesy.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It's not common courtesy.

Lt. Disher

Well, I think you're doing a great job. I love you.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

All right, Randy, I'm sorry I asked. When you're ready to tell me what's really going on, don't.