Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Monk

I didn't know there was a recipe with the word "hat" in it.

Monk

[Lost in the desert] You win, dirt! Congratulations, dirt! Well played!

Monk

Randy, I'm not pregnant. Just dying.

Adrian Monk

[surveying a crime scene] The stove.

Over here. It's in the kitchen.

Adrian Monk

No... I mean my stove. I-I think I left it on.

Sharona Fleming

It's okay. I, uh, checked it as we were leaving.

Adrian Monk

Are you sure? Did you turn the knob?

Sharona Fleming

Yeah.

Adrian Monk

The little knob, though?

Sharona Fleming

I turned all the knobs. The stove is off, Adrian.

We believe it was a burglary gone sour. She walked in, she surprised him, he panicked, he left there from the kitchen.

Adrian Monk

No. No. No, no. No. No. This-This was no burglary.

It wasn't?

Adrian Monk

He tried to make it look like one, but this guy was cold as ice. He wore her slippers to avoid leaving shoe prints - not something your neighborhood crackhead is prone to do.

Sharona Fleming

Adrian. Adrian. [she claps her hands to try to get Monk's attention]

Adrian Monk

[looking at the closet] He was in here. He was waiting.

Waiting for what?

Adrian Monk

You know, for her. He was here at least an hour. He was smoking. You can still smell it on the curtains. [sniffs the curtains] Menthols. Salems. Possibly Newports.

Maybe she was the smoker.

Adrian Monk

No. No, she was a Dutch Calvinist. They don't smoke. They consider their bodies to be a holy - a holy chalice of - [turns to Sharona] I'm sorry. I'm having trouble concentrating, because I think I smell gas. Did you hear the click? You gotta hear the click, not just feel the click. Hear it. [to the other detectives]

Miranda St. Claire

Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're "germophobic," afraid of the dark, heights, crowds... and milk.

Sharona Fleming

We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.

Miranda St. Claire

Ah.

Adrian Monk

Mrs. St. Claire, I - I sense that you're a little upset, but I can tell you why I dropped my keys. I've been a bit preoccupied with another case. A girl was murdered in Santa Clara. Uh, a Nicole Vasques. Did you know her?

Miranda St. Claire

No.

Adrian Monk

No?

Miranda St. Claire

No.

Miranda St. Claire

What I do know is, if my husband is elected Mayor, you will never work in this town again. [to her aide] Let's go.

Adrian Monk

[to Sharona] Are you registered to vote?

Sharona Fleming

I never vote. It only encourages them.

Sharona Fleming

Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?

Adrian Monk

No, I-I can see from here.

Sharona Fleming

Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.

Adrian Monk

Don't... don't blame Sharona, Captain.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I have no intention of blaming Sharona. [looks at his desk, which has been cleaned off] What happened here?

Adrian Monk

I took the liberty of straightening up a little.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Where is all my crap?

Adrian Monk

Obviously, I had to throw some things away.

Adrian Monk

Oh, wait. I found it.

Sharona Fleming

Where was it?!

Adrian Monk

It was in my... it must have flown up and got caught in my...

Sharona Fleming

[hits the side of the dumpster] GO-OD! I can't believe I listened to you! You're driving me nuts!

Adrian Monk

What's--what's with this?

Captain Stottlemeyer

That's a smoke alarm. She was in the kitchen cooking something when he broke in. It started to burn.

Lt. Randall Disher

A little girl across the street saw the guy turning it off.

Adrian Monk

So there was a witness?

Lt. Randall Disher

She's 10 years old. She didn't see much.

Captain Stottlemeyer

So the perp breaks in. He goes berserk in here. The victim runs upstairs and calls 911.

Adrian Monk

It's strange.

Captain Stottlemeyer

What's strange?

Adrian Monk

The phone. He didn't take the phone off the hook. So, what? He just let her call 911? [Monk inspects the kitchen. He finds a few leftovers in the fridge] Any prints?

Captain Stottlemeyer

Nope, nothing so far.

Adrian Monk

So, she's here cooking. He breaks in. He's a big guy. Lot of noise.

Captain Stottlemeyer

He must've cornered her in here, and then chased her out and caught up with her in the bedroom?

Adrian Monk

I would've grabbed a knife. [points to the knife rack] Why didn't she grab a knife?

Captain Stottlemeyer

I don't know. [Monk observes the bedroom] She was over here on the phone. Severe blunt trauma to the head with a baseball bat. [Monk eyes one of the phones]

Adrian Monk

Has this phone been touched?

Captain Stottlemeyer

No, no. The scene's intact. [Monk holds the phone with a handkerchief to avoid contaminating fingerprints; he punches a button on the receiver but only gets static until he pulls up the antenna]

Adrian Monk

The antenna has to be up to get a signal in here.

Captain Stottlemeyer

So?

Adrian Monk

Somebody lowered it all the way after the call. You don't usually see that when someone's getting bludgeoned to death.

Sharona Fleming

Dale Biederbeck?

Adrian Monk

They call him Dale the Whale.

Sharona Fleming

I never heard of him.

Captain Stottlemeyer

He spends a fortune every year making sure nobody ever hears of him. He buys newspapers just to keep his name out of them. [they get off the elevator, their movements monitored by a camera] All right, I want everybody to be careful in there. This guy is smart. He's gonna try to bait you. Assume you're being videotaped. Do not accuse him of anything. Now, Monk, I don't have to remind you that this bastard's got deep pockets, and he's got a platoon of lawyers and he loves to use them.

Sharona

You met him? What happened? [They are interrupted by Dr. Vezza's arrival]

Adrian Monk

Go to hell.

No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicap accessible.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Hello, Mr. Biederbeck.

Captain. I really wish you would've called. I'm a little busy at the moment.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I'm here to arrest you for the murder of Judge Kate Lavinio. [tosses Dale an envelope] That's a warrant. Duly sworn.

[to the girl on TV] Sweetheart, I'm gonna have to call you back. [turns off the monitor] Doctor, will you call Howard Klein and tell him we're suing the city for malicious prosecution…again? [Stottlemeyer motions towards the French doors]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I have hired a local construction company to take out this door. We're gonna get a crane here and lower your fat ass down to the street.

[laughs] A crane? Oh, that's rich. But would you mind explaining to me how I'm supposed to have killed the bitch? I can't leave this room, remember?

Captain Stottlemeyer

Mr. Monk!

Well, my, my, my. [Monk, Sharona, and a uniformed cop enter, carrying two chairs] It's the defective detective once more. Lay it on me, Einstein.

Adrian Monk

These two chairs are from the judge's house. The killer stood on one of them when he turned off the smoke alarm. A girl in the neighborhood saw, quote, a very, very fat man standing on it. But there's something funny about the chair. It's not broken. [refers to the uniform] This is Sergeant Cargill from the 14th Precinct. Sergeant, how much do you weigh?

265.

Adrian Monk

Would you mind? [Cargill stands on top of the chair, which breaks under his weight] So, how could a very, very fat man have stood on it? There's only one explanation. He was a fat man, not a heavy man. Lieutenant? [Randy enters wearing Dr. Vezza's empathy suit] I visited your clinic today and borrowed one of your empathy suits. [Randy stands on the other chair, which does not break] Fat, but not heavy. I believe we have another warrant to serve.

Sharona Fleming

Adrian, can I ask you something? If it's none of my business, I promise I'll shut up.

Adrian Monk

I doubt it.

Sharona Fleming

What did Trudy mean by "bread and butter"?

Adrian Monk

Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we would hold hands, and if there was a lamp post or somebody walked between us and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter".

Sharona Fleming

So when she died...

Adrian Monk

Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while, but it won't be forever."

Sharona Fleming

You son of a bitch.

Adrian Monk

I thought you were gonna do the right thing.

Captain Stottlemeyer

I think I did do the right thing.

Sharona Fleming

He saves your ass all the time, and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case, and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit!

Captain Stottlemeyer

I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn't do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You're not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you're not ready. [Monk walks off]

Sharona Fleming

At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.