Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Monk

I play the clarinet. Played with Willie Nelson.

Adrian Monk

Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...

Adrian Monk

You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr. Look-Like-A-Moose.

Adrian Monk

I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?

Adrian Monk

[during the show] Natalie! Don't eat the food back there. I just saw two of the models throwing up!

Monk

[surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?

Monk

I'm half-man, half-wuss. I'm a muss.

Monk

I got it all figured out. When this truck's full I'll drive it into the bay. Then come back, get another truck, and keep driving them into the bay. One bag at a time, one truck at a time. One bag at a time, one truck at a time.

Monk

What's up, Killa?

Monk

Let me give you the 4-1-1—that's the information.

Adrian Monk

You should have seen him at that hearing. Staring at me, he hates me. At least we have that in common.

Adrian Monk

This is a bad (3x), man. Sherry, I made a mistake, and then I compounded the mistake. Don't you make the same mistake, by compounding... my other... mistake... my first...

Adrian Monk

[After accidentally angering Barton by telling him that his ex-wife might be seeing someone else] I could be wrong, Max, I am not an expert on toilet seats. Did she stand up when she made water? Look, I could be wrong.

Monk

[Monk inadvertently fulfills Brandy's wildest fantasies by looking straight into the camera and saying] I just wanted to say some children watching. I did not shoot Santa Claus. That man was not Santa Claus. There's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Monk

Mrs. Teeger? Julia? Don't be afraid. I'm with the police, ma'am. We think young Matthew may be involved in some things. Do you know where he is, ma'am? We just want to talk to him. [No answer] I... excuse me? Are-are you okay?

Monk

Are... are you dead?

Monk

Please be alive... please be alive... please be alive... please don't be one of those skeleton ladies... [The camera angle reveals that it actually is a skeleton. Monk nudges the chair with the hairbrush. The figure pitches forward, and a glass eyeball plops to the floor]

Monk

Please be dead! Please be dead! [He drops the handkerchief, disgusted]