Shaun quotes from Misfits

Shaun

[Seeing Rudy and Rudy Two] Who the fuck is this?

It's my auntie. Who do you think he is?

Shaun

What, you've got a twin brother?

Nowt's getting past you, is it, today? Check out the big brains on the probation worker here.

Shaun

Why's her wearing a jumpsuit?

Because... sometimes I do my community service, sometimes he does it. We like to mix things up.

It keeps it interesting.

Shaun

This isn't a job share. Whoever does the crime, does the boring, mindless shit.

I have a question, right? What if we we're conjoined twins, yeah, with our heads? They're all mashed together, and we go out in the town, for a few beers, some bloke sees us and he's like, "Oi! You two-headed fuck!" He flips out, goes mental and batters the guy. Who does the community service then? Because they, they are conjoined with one massive head but with two personalities.

Shaun

Well, we'll come to that bridge when we come to it.

All right.

Shaun

I'm going to pretend like I never saw this, because I really can't be arsed. Just make sure one of you turns up. [Leaves]

Curtis

[In disbelief] Oh man. That's insane.

The old conjoined twins mind fuck works every time. Doesn't it?

Shaun

[Flipping through papers] What is this? I said it had to be done alphabetically. Since when did J come before H?

Alisha

If I'm so crap, why did you give me the job?

Shaun

Because you have other talents. [Spins her chair and leans in seductively] Oh, yeah... you are very, very talented.

Alisha

What, you mean I've got nice tits?

Shaun

Yeah. [Simon enters and Nazi salutes with Shaun waving him off] Yeah... whatever.

Simon

You told me to let you know when the prisoner arrived. He's here. The old man we found with the stab wound on the estate, [produces envelope] he had this in his pocket.

Shaun

Well, put it with the other shit!

Shaun

[Takes off Seth's hood in interrogation] Morning.

Seth

What do you want with me?

Shaun

Oh, I think you know what we want from you. 'Cause if you didn't, we wouldn't have found you being smuggled off the estate in the boot of a car. You'd have taken the bus... like a normal person. Now... you're gonna test some people... to see if they've got one of these powers. And if they have, you're gonna take it off 'em and you're gonna stick it in whoever I tell you to stick it in. Got it? Right!

Shaun

[Enters room with Simon and Alisha What's going on?

Alisha

He was just helping me with the computer. You know how shit I am with these things.

Shaun

Yeah, she is particularly shit.

Alisha

[Leans into him] I missed you.

Shaun

Yeah? I only went for a piss.

Alisha

I can still miss you, can't I?

Shaun

See the effect I have on women? [They kiss and Shaun slaps her rear walking past her with Simon leaving]

Shaun

Captain Smith. I was just, er...

Officer Smith

It looked like you were sitting around, smoking a cigarette.

Shaun

I was thinking about how best to organise our operations and to maximise efficiency... and... productivity.

Officer Smith

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Shaun

Right.

Officer Smith

I understand you've caught the man we've been looking for?

Shaun

We most certainly have.

Officer Smith

[Walks into Seth's cell] So... I hear you've been doing good work for us.

Seth

Is that what you call it?

Officer Smith

How does this work?

Shaun

Oh, he's... he's gotta touch you.

Officer Smith

[Leans into Seth] You know... I can make life very unpleasant for you.

Shaun

You're all done. It's like taking candy from a baby.

Officer Smith

[To Gary mopping] You've missed a patch. We can't keep this man locked in a dirty cell. Just there. [Gary reluctantly walks in and Officer Smith kills him by freezing him] That's very good.

Officer Smith

They knew we were moving him. And someone tipped them off!

Shaun

Well, don't look at me. I was lucky to get out of there alive.

Officer Smith

And exactly how is it that you managed to escape from this ambush?

Shaun

I'm very agile. Like a cat.

Officer Smith

[Walks over to Alisha on computer] And what about you? Hm? Sitting there, tip-tapping away on your little computer. Maybe you're not as stupid as you look. [Grabs her by jaw and turns her head to him] I can freeze your blood just like that.

Shaun

Actually, she is as stupid as she looks. You know, she hasn't got the brains to pull something off like this.

Officer Smith

Tear up the estate until you find him. I'm holding you personally responsible.

Curtis

[Hears tires screeching] They're here!

Rudy

[Curtis is operating blender] What?

Curtis

[Shaun bursts into bar with soldiers guns drawn with Curtis and Rudy sitting at table with smoothies in martini glasses] What's going on?

Shaun

What do you think? It's a raid. Who are you?

Curtis

I work here. [To Rudy] And you?

Rudy

Er, I'm his... gay lover. I'm... the giver, he's the taker. I'm the butch, he's the bitch. I'm the sausage, he's the muffin!

Shaun

You're aware that homosexuality is illegal?

Rudy

Oh! I were jokin'. 'Cause, er... he's me cousin, from me...

Shaun

Shut the fuck up.

Officer Smith

So you have the power? And now, you can put it back in him.

Shaun

He's just taken it out of him.

Officer Smith

We can't afford for anyone to have this power. Too much could change. It dies with the old man.

Shaun

I won't do it.

Officer Smith

[Grabs Simon and shoves him into position to shoot Friedrich] Shoot him. Shoot the old man. Take out your side arm, and shoot him. That is a direct order!

Shaun

Take your fucking gun out and shoot him! [Officer Smith shoots Friedrich]

Officer Smith

Get him out!

Curtis

[Walks in] Take your fucking hands off me.

Rudy

Leave him alone!

Officer Smith

Put the power in him. I will shoot... EVERY PERSON IN THESE CELLS UNITL YOU DO AS I SAY!

Curtis

Don't do it.

Seth

I'm sorry. [Puts power into Curtis]

Officer Smith

[Shoots Curtis in the head and shoots him twice more] And that's the end of that.

Shaun

[Led out in hallway by Kelly at gunpoint] You fucking shot me!

Alisha

[Runs into Kelly with Simon in hallway] What are you doing?

Kelly

I'm busting the prisoners out of the cells and I'll kill anyone who gets in my way!

Alisha

D'you need a hand?

Simon

I'm with her.

Shaun

You're shagging him? I thought you liked me.

Alisha

All you ever did was make me hate myself.

Shaun

Ungrateful little bitch. After everything I've done for you.

Alisha

Oh, will you shoot just him again?

Kelly

[Hands Alisha pistol] When we're done with him, you can do what you like. [To Shaun] Move!

Officer Smith

You're completely surrounded, so I suggest you drop your weapons.

Seth

Get behind me. They won't shoot me.

Officer Smith

Give it up. We just want him. The rest of you are free to go.

Shaun

Nah, I'm pretty sure he's lying.

Alisha

'Course he's fucking lying!

Seth

So me and you fought the Nazis and I died? They shot you. In this... alternative version of history... me and you, did we...?

Kelly

Did we shag? No. You kissed me when you gave me the power.

Seth

Did I? And how was that?

Kelly

It was all right. So I want this bullshit rewind power out of me. I am done fucking with history. You have to promise me you won't let anyone else have it. Promise, yeah?

Seth

I don't wanna die, so... I'll put it in me pet iguana for safekeeping.

Kelly

I never had you down as someone who'd have a pet lizard.

Seth

Yeah, well, there's a lot you don't know about me. I know that you're not the person you make out to be.

Kelly

You act like you don't give a shit about anyone. That's rubbish.

Seth

So what d'you want instead?

Kelly

I kind of liked being a fuckin' rocket scientist.

Shaun

[Getting a pop can from vending machine and stops to see Kelly in hallway] What the fuck are you looking at?

Kelly

Nothin'.

Alisha

[Appears with other community servers] Where have you been?

Kelly

Just been fighting the fuckin' Nazis and kicking the shit out of Hitler. [Walks away]

Shaun

There's an anger management counselor here for you.

Rudy

For me? [Gives Simon a look]

Shaun

Yeah. It's all part of your "ongoing rehabilitation." [To Simon] Did you have the last Twix?

Simon

Yes. [Shaun grabs it from him] She's waiting for you in my office. Enjoy. [Leaves]

Rudy

For fuck's sake. It wasn't even me, it was him.

Simon

Who?

Rudy

Who do you think? [Points to his chest] This whiny little prick in here. The other me. I was seeing this girl, right. Nice girl, Dutch-Irish. Had a webbed foot. Left foot, fine. Right foot, just a little bit creepy. Might have been the other way around. Anyway, so we have this great big row, we end up breaking up. Honestly, I weren't that bothered. Cause there's plenty more fish in the sea and all that. She couldn't wear flip-flops. Because of the web, she had no toe-groove. Anyway, so we split up. You know, she's really angry, starts running her mouth off, all gets a little bit personal. Honestly, dude, I were fine with it, mate. Not him. He starts getting himself all upset, ends up trashing her car, she rang the police. Boom.

Simon

So that's why you're on community service?

Rudy

Yes! Y-Yes. He did it, I took the rap. I'm totally innocent. Mmm. Yes. We should write a campaign song. Do some wristbands. You, you're very clever, aren't you, eh?

Rudy

[Sees Shaun walking] Oi! Come here! Oh, let me tell you something, right. She is one amazing therapist. I can't believe the council actually pay for that kind of thing. And I tell you something else - if I could be bothered, I would write a letter to Social Services and just congratulate them.

Shaun

Seriously. Move. [Walks past Rudy]