Kelly Bailey quotes from Misfits

Kelly

These new powers are bullshit. I thought this power would make me dead clever and everything, but all I know is how to build and design rockets.

Curtis

I guess it does exactly what it says on the tin.

Kelly

Except there's no fucking tin with all the instructions on it. No one believes someone like me could be a rocket scientist.

Alisha

Well, you don't exactly look like a rocket scientist.

Kelly

Maybe I should get some glasses, make me look dead intelligent.

Curtis

Yeah, that'll do it.

Alisha

Why do we always have to get involved? Can't we just do normal stuff that normal people do, like... go for brunch?

Kelly

What the fuck is brunch?

Rudy

[After running from the cops with Simon and Kelly] I've got to stop smoking and doing loads of speed, me.

Kelly

[Curtis shows up] I thought they had you.

Curtis

No. I got away. I... [looks at Rudy] I did my thing.

Rudy

Ah! If that's some sort of vague reference to all this "power" bullshit, then don't worry, cause I am cool and the gang with all that. [To Simon] You're very starey.

Seth

And what can I do for you?

Kelly

There's this girl on the estate, yeah? She used a power to make it look like me and my mates trashed a car, the police are after us.

Seth

And you're telling me because?

Kelly

I thought you could do something about it, take her power or something.

Seth

Oh, right, did you? [Feigns searching at desk] Right, well, I'll just find my cape and tights and get on it.

Kelly

You think this is funny, don't you? Do you see me laughing?

Seth

I don't think I've ever seen you smile.

Kelly

'Cause you always sit there with a massive shit-eating grin on your face. Mister Fucking Happy! Look, are you gonna do something about this girl or not?

Seth

I... really don't see that happening.

Kelly

You don't give a shit about anyone, do you?

Seth

I give a shit about me.

Kelly

And just so you know, this new power. It's rubbish.

Seth

But you're a rocket scientist.

Kelly

Yeah, and you're a dick!

Seth

Come by any time.

Rudy

[To Simon] So you're with Alisha, aren't you? That's great, man. I'm with that beautiful, innocent-looking girl down there. Yeah. She absolutely loves it up the arse! I know! I know, we're all just pussying around, aren't we? "Should I slip it up there?" "No, you can't. That's where she makes toilet." Turns out... Come here. Turns out... it's also the way to a woman's heart.

Kelly

You stick anything up my arse and I will break your face.

Rudy

It's just the posh ones. It's just the posh ones. Listen... just so you know, you don't have to worry about that girl who screwed with us, cos your Uncle Rudy's all over that shit like a motherfucker-r-r-r-r!

Rudy

[A cop car pulls up behind them] Don't get upset, but this isn't exactly my car.

Simon

Whose car is it?

Rudy

Nicked it off a man with a perm. A man, with a perm. What's that about?

Kelly

We can't get caught in no nicked car. We're all on probation.

Rudy

Maybe they'll let you off with a warning, love. [Skip to them all in the jumpsuits looking at Rudy] Honestly, guys... I thought they'd let you off with a warning.

Shaun

[Walks in clapping] That didn't take you long, did it? Congratulations.

Rudy

[To Kelly writing in a notebook on rooftop] What you doing?

Kelly

Designing a new propulsion system.

Rudy

Why?

Kelly

Because I'm a fucking rocket scientist!

Rudy

Ah! Are we doing catchphrases? Maybe we could all have one. Mine could be, "Now you see me... now you see two of me."

Curtis

Why do we need catchphrases?

Rudy

You know, for when shit goes down, man. Oh, c'mon, d'you really think we're just gonna spend the next seven weeks ambling about, picking up litter?

Simon

He's got a point.

Alisha

Yeah, well, maybe it'll be different this time. Maybe there won't be any shit going down.

Rudy

Oh, trust me, there'll be shit. It's in the air. I can smell it.

Rudy

You should do the Lottery. Use your power. See the numbers. Take their trousers down, we'll stick it to 'em, split it 50/50.

Simon

Why should I split it with you?

Rudy

Because it was my idea, you! I'm the brains, you're the stare. Okay. 60/50.

Simon

[Chuckles] It's supposed to add up to 100.

Rudy

Whoa, don't even think about screwing me, [swipes Simon's cheek with paint scraper handle] sweet cheeks! 70/40. Final offer.

Simon

I don't get to choose what I see.

Rudy

Ah! Fine! 80/30. But I feel like I'm being raped here, and not in a good way.

Alisha

What are you smiling at?

Curtis

What? Am I not allowed to smile?

Alisha

You look like you just got laid.

Kelly

Have you just had a shag?

Curtis

Something like that.

Alisha

Who's the lucky girl?

Curtis

You don't know her.

Seth

[Looking under vehicle engine hood] Piece of shit! Won't start. I don't know why I opened the bonnet. I don't know what I'm looking at.

Kelly

D'you want me to take a look?

Seth

What, you know about cars?

Kelly

Well, I know about electronics, cause I'm a fucking rocket scientist, aren't I? [Makes an adjustment] Try it now. [Engine turns over]

Seth

Thanks. You want a lift? Look, you've already undermined my masculinity. At least let me drive you somewhere. Get in. Where to?

Kelly

There. [Seth drives a short distance] Thanks for the lift.

Seth

Any time. I owe you.

Kelly

Well, you can give us a new power if you want.

Seth

I don't owe you that much. Right, see you around.

Rudy

It was you, you've done this to me.

Curtis

No one needs to know about that. And next time you find a girl unconscious, you don't touch her. You get it?

Rudy

I was checking on you. Hm? It was you that was all grabbing me, nuh-nuh-nuh, kissing me and pushing me head down. I don't even like doing that. So who's the real victim here?

Curtis

You never heard the saying, "no means no"?

Rudy

Yeah, but you didn't say no. You said, "Suck my nipples."

Curtis

I was spiked! I thought you were someone else. You didn't think it was strange when I started calling you Emma?

Rudy

People say all kinds of weird shit during sex. I was fucking this bird this one time, right, I'm about to blow my load, and I went, "Auntie!" What's that all about?

Curtis

You should've known.

Rudy

You never look a gift horse in the mouth, do you? That's one fine looking gift horse you've got there. [Starts retching and coughing] Oh! Ooh, I've got it. [Holds up a hair]

Kelly

Ugh, is that a pube?

Rudy

Mmm! D'you want it back?

Alisha

[Laughs] Did you?

Rudy

For a bloke, he's got a lovely pussy.

Curtis

Fuck it. [Walks away]

Rudy

Hmm.

Kelly

What's going on? I seen them arresting people on the estate.

They've started rounding up anyone who's got one of these powers.

Kelly

What are they gonna do with 'em?

Fuck knows.

Curtis

This guy who's taking people's powers... You said you deliver food to the cells?

Kelly

Breakfast, lunch and dinner. They've got me working my arse off!

Curtis

We need you to put this in his food.

Kelly

What is it?

Curtis

You really need me to tell you?

Kelly

I ain't killing him.

Curtis

He's a prisoner. He's not one of 'em! Ain't nothing personal.

Kelly

Killing someone?! To me, that's fuckin' personal!

Curtis

The Nazis are using him to take people's powers. They want them for themselves. When they get them, they're gonna use them against us. We can't let that happen.

Curtis

You go in there to kill him and you end up saving his life? Just explain to me exactly how that happens.

Kelly

I couldn't kill him. He was trying to kill himself.

Curtis

Then you leave him to it. Job done. He was prepared to hang himself rather than let those bastards have the powers.

Kelly

He's on our side.

Curtis

That's no good to us if the Nazis have got him. We missed our shot. We might not get another.

Rudy

Hmm, now then. That's like the, er, story of the Tortoise and the Hare.

Curtis

Eh?

Rudy

Or is it the owl... owl and the pussycat? Something about a lion and a dog? Two in the hand is worth... one in the bush, isn't it?

Curtis

Stop stealing the alcohol.

Rudy

I thought you said to just help myself?

Curtis

I said; stay the fuck away from the bar!

Kelly

So what's the story with your power?

Seth

Started off just dealing a bit of gear to mates. It took off from there. After a while, I was dealing to the dealers. It's addictive, the buzz. Staying one step ahead of the police. I wanted to be the ultimate dealer. Then the storm hit. Guess I got my wish. I never... thanked you for... saving my life.

Kelly

You shouldn't be thanking me for anything. I was gonna kill you. We had to stop the Nazis from getting the powers. I put poison in your food.

Seth

Well, why did you save me?

Kelly

When I saw you hanging there, I just couldn't do it. Sorry I tried to kill you, yeah?

Seth

Glad you didn't.

Kelly

I guess I've got a soft spot for suicide cases.

Seth

Tart with a heart.

Kelly

Who are you calling a fuckin' tart?

Seth

No, I didn't mean... well, you're not.

Shaun

[Led out in hallway by Kelly at gunpoint] You fucking shot me!

Alisha

[Runs into Kelly with Simon in hallway] What are you doing?

Kelly

I'm busting the prisoners out of the cells and I'll kill anyone who gets in my way!

Alisha

D'you need a hand?

Simon

I'm with her.

Shaun

You're shagging him? I thought you liked me.

Alisha

All you ever did was make me hate myself.

Shaun

Ungrateful little bitch. After everything I've done for you.

Alisha

Oh, will you shoot just him again?

Kelly

[Hands Alisha pistol] When we're done with him, you can do what you like. [To Shaun] Move!