NathanI just realized I haven't died this week.
It's only Thursday. There's still time.
Nathan
Now why would you say something like that? Twat!
So you don't love me any more?
Nathan
OK. So I loved you. Big deal.
I think we should talk about it.
Nathan
[To Simon] If we'd have... [whistles], that would've been the best sex you've ever had. Correction. That would've been the only sex you've ever had.
Do you ever get embarrassed of anything?
Nathan
Not really, no.
Whatever happens, we can't let the new guy find out about our powers.
What do we do if he does find out?
We kill him. [Smirking] I'm joking.
Nathan
[Chuckles and up to Simon's face] You're making jokes now? Excuse us. You're creeping out of your weird little shell, I get that. Good for you. But let's get one thing straight: I'm the funny guy round here.
[Sees Ollie walking through interior windows] He's coming.
What did you get done for?
I was arrested for vandalizing a coal-fired power station. We were protesting against CO2 emissions. [Nathan derisively groans]
Have any of you got one of these weird powers?
I was only asking because I've got one.
Nathan
Oh, yeah, us too. [Ollie smirks playing with ear] I don't think I was supposed to tell you that.
Let's see you do it, then. [Ollie shuts eyes straining and disappears]
Nathan
Whoa! [Ollie clears throat] Oh!
That's shit. You could've walked there quicker.
Sometimes I go further than that.
That's really impressive.
Nathan
I honestly thought something more exciting was going to happen.
JCJimmy Cisco
[Pulls up in vehicle and gets out] Where's Conti?
Nathan
[Uses trash picker upper to gesture to Simon] Oh, it's him. He's a right Conti.
JCJimmy Cisco
Did you think I was going to let it go? I want my money.
Nathan
Give the man his money.
I haven't got your money.
JCJimmy Cisco
[Focuses on Kelly seeing her as a video game character Roxy] Roxy? So you're with him now? I was still waiting for you at the church when the cops picked me up.
Not being funny, mate, but you're acting like a right nutter.
You're clearly suffering from some kind of mental illness.
JCJimmy Cisco
I want my money.
Don't. Look, just leave it.
It's okay. I've had some training in conflict resolution.
Nathan
This should be entertaining.
What's your name? It's okay. I'm not going to hurt... [walks forward and Jimmy shoots Ollie in the head with all community servers fleeing]
[All community servers are lying on rooftop]
He shot him! He shot the new guy!
We should go back for him.
He was hit in the head! He's fucked!
Nathan
[Peers over rooftop edge and sees Ollie walking by lakeshore] Hey no, it's okay. He's fine, he's over there!
Nathan
Oh. Then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all okay, on account of him being dead.
Nathan
[Ollie sits on bench] Hey...! New guy! Sorry you got shot, man! [Ollie flicks him off]
Nathan
[Reciprocates gesture to Ollie's ghost] Hey, fuck you!
He just got shot in the face and you're insulting him?
Nathan
He made an obscene gesture. I don't care if he's dead. There's no excuse for rudeness.
Nathan
He made an obscene gesture!
I don't care if he's dead! There's no excuse for rudeness!
Nathan
You should rewind time. You can save him. Go on, then.
[Sighs] Well, I didn't know him. I'm not feeling it.
Nathan
Yeah, he was a bit of a twat.
There's something wrong wi' you.
Nathan
Oh, come on, seriously? He was never going to fit in, what with all the caring about the environment and that. Better him than me.
Nathan
...Better him than one of you.
Nathan
It's a cruel senseless waste. [Shaun sighs] A young man taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he's gone forever. [Shaun sighs] So maybe we should have the rest of the week off, you know, to cry, and grieve, and remember our dear friend... [pauses to try to remember Ollie's name]
Nathan
Ollie! Dear, beautiful Ollie.
[later on]
Nathan
Heartless bastard.
[Walks up to Nathan attacking vending machine] The bloke who shot the new guy. He was on the estate again last night.
He's still looking for this Conti. He thinks I'm Conti.
Nathan
Why does he think that?
Because you told him I was.
Nathan
Did I? Sorry, man. [Resumes attacking vending machine] I think they've mended it. [Holds out hand to Simon]
You want me to buy you a drink?
Nathan
I have never paid for a drink from this machine before and I don't intend to start now. Thank you. [Alisha walks up] Huh! Well, the bad news is, they've fixed the vending machine.
The guy with the red car and the gun...
Nathan
We were just talking about him.
Nathan
Oh, Jesus. He's going to shoot her and he going to kill her! I told you he was dangerous! All right, everybody calm down! Just think! Think and keep calm! [Grabs Simon] Do something, you little freak!
He's here! [Game woman screams]
Nathan
Oh, Jesus. He's kicking the shit out of her! [Community servers burst in room to see game playing on computer put on by future Simon]
GMGame man 1
Where's Conti?
GMGame man 2
He's screwing your mama. [Shoots him in head]
He's living the game. Where did all this come from?
He was the guy in the mask.
[Reading off back of game case] He's Jimmy Cisco. He spent ten years in prison for armed robbery. His lover and this crime boss, Conti, they double-crossed him on his wedding day.
Nathan
Hey, watch me run over this fat bloke. Run, fat boy, run! Oh, he's fucked up my car!
We need to play the game for real. If we give him his money, I think he'll let Kelly go.
So, now all we need is a hundred grand.
Nathan
Yeah, okay. Let's rob a bank.
[Appears in door with arm on frame holding keys] What's that?
Really? That's funny, innit? Because to me it sounded like you were planning on robbing a bank.
Nathan
No, no, no. I said, er, “Let's have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old circle jerk.
Nathan
I don't think cleaning your car was what they had in mind when they gave us Community Service!
Well, I'm a member of the community and my car needs cleaning. And I don't give a shit.
The man wants his car washed.
Nathan
[Mouths] What?
He's giving us his keys so we can clean his car.
For fuck's sake. [Walks up to Shaun and takes keys]
Nathan
[Community servers bundle into vehicle] We're stealing his car. Right, yeah, I get it. Let's go!
[Walks into locker room and sees Nathan sitting on floor] What's up with you?
Nathan
Some bastard killed me last night.
Nathan
No! No, cross my heart and hope to die. Or not.
Nathan
I don't know. I was too busy being savagely beaten to death. That is not a pleasant way to die.
Have you got any enemies?
Nathan
No. I'm universally popular and well-liked. Why would anyone wanna kill me?
I can think of a few reasons.
Nathan
See, why would you even say something like that? That's very hurtful. I thought we were friends, you ungrateful little twat!
Don't speak to him like that.
Nathan
Why are you sticking up for him? Do you love him?
Oh, look, why don't you go and suck yourself off? [Walks away]
Nathan
I wish I could. I can never reach it.
Nathan
Oh, come on, now. We've all tried, huh? [Leans on back and brings legs up] One time, right, I tied a rope to my feet and tried to yank them over my head. Huh? And I've got like six pillows! Uh! I nearly broke my neck! [Makes a gesture] I was so close! Oh! An inch feels like a mile! [To Curtis] So, how close did you get?
I'm not even having this conversation.
Nathan
'Cause, if men could suck themselves off, then the female of the species would be surplus to requirements.
This is why people kill you.
Misfits · 556 quotes
