Nathan Young quotes from Misfits

Nathan

[Appears behind a sheet on laundry line] So... I suppose you're going to tell me you love him?

Louise

But it doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm... I'm so sorry I hit you.

Nathan

I... I punched the guy you live with. Your... you... I can't call him your "boyfriend", or your "partner". It's too pathetic!

Louise

You can call him "Dad", if you like.

Nathan

Oh, that's funny.

Louise

I've been worried about you. Where are you living?

Nathan

I've got a flat... with some friends... flatmates.

Louise

If you try to get on with Jeremy, I mean, really try, well, maybe you could move back in.

Nathan

I'm not being funny. A woman your age... if you don't settle down before your looks go, you've got no chance.

Louise

Oh, thank you!

Nathan

I can't look after you when you're eighty. You'll be phoning me every time you wanna change the TV channel? No, too painful. I've got my flat. It's better for all of us.

Kelly

I told you there'd be other people who got messed up by the storm. And you didn't believe me.

Nathan

Yeah, well, I was wrong wasn't I? There's a hurricane of weird shit out there! [Alisha makes a gesture alluding to cunilingus] Oh, another oral sex gag! Brilliant!

Louise

Every man I meet. There's always a reason you take against them. It's like when you said Richard was sexually abusing you.

Nathan

It's nothing like that. This is true.

Nathan

So are you like a member of staff or something?

I'm a volunteer.

Nathan

Volunteer?! I love to volunteer.

Is that why they gave you community service?

Nathan

Could be, could be. I'd probably just be here anyway you know, helping out.

So what did you do?

Nathan

I sexually assaulted a 90-year-old woman.

That's funny.

Nathan

She didn't seem to think so at the time. God rest her soul.

Simon

If I'm invisible, I can see if anyone puts anything in our lockers.

Curtis

That sounds like a plan. [To Alisha putting on mascara] You alright with that one, yeah?

Alisha

Works for me.

Curtis

[To Simon] Go on then, turn invisible.

Simon

I can't do it when everyone's watching me.

Nathan

So I guess it's like pissing at a urinal if you've got a tiny cock.

Alisha

Well, that's, er, really impressive. [They walk away, then Simons transforms] Hey, you lot! Did you see it?!

Ben

[Leading them] Okay, so, all these clothes have been donated by members of the public and we need to sort them before we ship them to Africa.

Alisha

Just another day in paradise.

Ben

Yeah, well, I'm sure the people receiving them will be grateful for your hard work.

Alisha

They should be. They're getting a new wardrobe.

Curtis

You are so wrong.

Ben

These are the categories to sort them into. It's children's clothes, shoes, coats. That kind of thing. Okay, so, if you've got any questions, just ask. [Nathan pops up hand and Ben nods at him]

Nathan

If a bear and a shark had a fight, who would win?

Ben

If you've got any relevant questions, just ask. [Kelly chuckles] Oh, and if it's on dry land, I'd bet on the bear.

Nathan

[Holds up a shirt to Curtis] Suits you.

Curtis

[Swipes shirt out of Nathan's hand] Fuck off!

Nathan

[Holds up a skiing boot] Ski wear. Classic. Try walking ten miles to the well in these. Hey, hey, hey, who am I. [Puts on skiing goggles and does a rendition singing of a U2 song] One luhh ohh yeaahh huh huuuhh ahh... [Other community servers are just silently staring] C'mon! Okay. All right, all right, I'll give you a clue. I'm an annoying cunt!

Alisha

Yeah, we know that.

Nathan

I'm Bono!

Nathan

[Social worker Sally walks in with Jodi] Who's that?

Kelly

It's a girl I had a fight with. I got to do some restorative justice bollocks with her.

Nathan

[Raises hand like a bodybuilder] Hey, Bono, yeah?

Sally

What?

Nathan

I don't know why I bother.

Sally

Jodi's here. Come on.

Ben

[Alisha's holding up a dress] Suits you.

Sally

[To Kelly sitting far apart from Jodi on a couch in office] So, have you anything you'd like to say to Kelly?

I've got nothing to say to her!

Sally

Kelly, would you like to tell Jodi why you hit her?

Kelly

Yeah, 'cause if you go around saying someone's a slag, you're gonna get a slap. [Jodi sucks teeth] Is there something up your teeth?!

Sally

Okay, how are you two going to resolve this? [Nathan rollerskates past office window doing a sustained singing note with Kelly amused and Sally opens office door] Take the roller skates off! And the goggles! Take them off!

Nathan

Ah, this is bullshit. We're never gonna be mates!

Kelly

I heard you and Darren broke up.

Yeah.

Kelly

I heard he dumped yah. What's that about?

What is it you?!

Sally

Let's keep things friendly!

Kelly

You're better off without him. He's a rat faced glue sniffer.

Sally

Kelly.

Are you sayin' he's got a rat face?!

Kelly

Yeah, he's a proper ratty.

[Stands up] Don't even be talking about him?!

Kelly

[Stands up] What'd you care?! 'Cause he dumped yah! [Flicks off Jodi's hat who punches Kelly who headbutts Jodi]

Sally

Kelly!

[Mindread by Kelly] You see how it feels, bitch! [To Sally manhandling her out of office] She's getting life! She headbutt me!

Sally

Just get out!

You slut whore!

Sally

Just calm down!

Kelly

[Throws chair out of office] Shut up, you twat!

Sally

Kelly!

Kelly

I was trying to be nice! [Voice of thought] Yeah, I had an attitude.

Curtis

I think that went pretty well.

Nathan

You alright?

Kelly

What?

Nathan

You're usually a whole lot gobbier than this.

Kelly

No, I'm not.

Nathan

Come on, you haven't punched me in a few hours. I'm worried about you.

Kelly

I'm fine. How comes you're living in the Community Centre, anyway?

Nathan

Do we have to be that intimate with each other's lives? No, I don't think so. Not so big on the sharing. I'm not getting a shag now I'm a homeless. Those Big Issue guys aren't getting any. Oh, shit! She can hear that! When are you gonna learn?!

Nathan

Hurray! It's the starlet of justice!

Kelly

I was only saying that the lad that she used to go out with was a dick. I was only being nice.

Nathan

Oh, yeah, you were being lovely. Right up until you threw the chair at her.

Curtis

[At vehicle boot] We're set. Let's go.

Nathan

[Walks up to vehicle waving a disembodied human hand] Uh, hello? Don't you think you're forgetting something? [Throws hand onto windshield]

Alisha

Jesus!

Curtis

Sorry.

Nathan

I like your cap. [Takes off her cap and her wig comes off too]

Kelly

No! [Runs away in absolute embarassment]

Nathan

What...

Simon

Did you know she was bald?

Nathan

'Course not, twat. Jesus.

Alisha

She looked like an alien.

Nathan

Ah, don't be mean. [Then admits laughing] She did, didn't she? A bald alien! Shh. I should probably try and find her. [Holds up cap and wig] You know.

Alisha

[To Simon] Can't you see we're trying to have an awkward conversation? Move! Go! [Simon leaves, then to Curtis] The sex wasn't that bad, was it?

Curtis

You don't get it, do you? [Leaves]

Alisha

There's nothing wrong with me! You're the one with the problem!