Just a minute! You handle our food and dig latrines?
IIgor
Don't worry, sir. I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.
S11Goodbye, Farewell and Amen
(to Col. Potter) Well, look on the bright side. When we're told we must do our time in purgatory, we can all say "No thanks. I've done mine."
Goodbye, Margaret. I know you've got your career in order. Don't forget to have a happy life, too.
Well, boys [B. J. and Hawkeye], it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together.
PSPA System Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen, five minutes ago, at 10:01 this morning, the truce was signed in Panmunjon. The hostilities will end twelve hours from now at ten o'clock. THE WAR IS OVER!
Potter (to Charles) So long, Major. You can be proud of the work you've done here. You're a fine surgeon.
Charles Well, thank you sir, as are you. Shortly I will be in a position of authority over other surgeons, and I hope I will be guided by the memory of your wisdom and your gentle good humor.
Potter Well, that's mighty kind of you, Charles.
Well, boys [B. J. and Hawkeye], it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh right when I needed it most. I'll never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. Of course I had to pretend I was mad at you, but inside I was laughing to beat all hell.
Yeah, we're laughing just thinking about it.
BJB.J.
We'll all have a good laugh like this.
Well, I'd better get out of here (he climbs aboard Sophie)
Colonel, before you go...
BJB.J.
We've been thinking about it. There's something we'd like to give you.
It's not much, but it comes from the heart. (Standing at attention, Hawkeye and B.J. salute Potter, who returns the salute before riding off)
[Last scene of the series]
Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it. Maybe you're right. Maybe we will see each other again. But just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you. Whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
BJB. J.
Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of you.
Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...
BJB. J.
Or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
I'll miss you.
BJB. J.
I'll miss you, a lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here. [The two men hug, then Hawkeye boards the helicopter while B. J. mounts his motorcycle, where he shouts over the helicopter] I'll see you back in the States—I promise! But just in case, I left you a note!
What?!
[B. J. rides off. Hawkeye gives the pilot the thumbs-up to take off. As the helicopter ascends, Hawkeye looks down and smiles as he sees a message spelled in stones: GOODBYE]
Pilot
JM‘‘Trapper John' McIntyre
Fore!
[Radar stops in mid-football practice to look out over the hills]
RORadar' O'Reilly
Here they come!
SJSpearchucker' Jones
I don't hear nothin'.
RORadar' O'Reilly
Wait for it.
Hawkeye Pierce : [writing to his father] You said I sounded a bit callous in my last letter Dad. Let me see if I can put things in a better way. At this particular Mobile Army Hospital, we are not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction of the patient.We care only about getting the kid out of here alive enough for someone else to put on the fine touches. We work fast and we're not dainty. We try to play par surgeon on this course. Par is a live patient.
[Everyone has just come out of a long OR session]
[angrily] You're dismissed.
Thanks, Mother. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and fix MacArthur's hernia.
Sorry, baby.
That's Major to you!
Sorry, Major baby.
That's a woman all over.
JM‘‘Trapper John McIntyre
Best place for them to be.
Hey, Ho-Jon, come here. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.
JM‘‘Trapper John McIntyre
Is that a good place to stay?
Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!
Ya know we gotta do it someday. Invite all the jokers from the north and the south for a cocktail party... Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.