JM‘‘Trapper John' McIntyre
Fore!
[Radar stops in mid-football practice to look out over the hills]
“Pilot”
In this episode: Hawkeye Pierce (12), Frank Marion Burns (3), Margaret Houlihan (3), Trapper John McIntyre (1), Henry Blake (1)
RORadar' O'Reilly
Here they come!
SJSpearchucker' Jones
I don't hear nothin'.
RORadar' O'Reilly
Wait for it.
Hawkeye Pierce : [writing to his father] You said I sounded a bit callous in my last letter Dad. Let me see if I can put things in a better way. At this particular Mobile Army Hospital, we are not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction of the patient.We care only about getting the kid out of here alive enough for someone else to put on the fine touches. We work fast and we're not dainty. We try to play par surgeon on this course. Par is a live patient.
[Everyone has just come out of a long OR session]
[angrily] You're dismissed.
Thanks, Mother. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and fix MacArthur's hernia.
Sorry, baby.
That's Major to you!
Sorry, Major baby.
That's a woman all over.
JM‘‘Trapper John McIntyre
Best place for them to be.
Hey, Ho-Jon, come here. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.
JM‘‘Trapper John McIntyre
Is that a good place to stay?
Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!
Ya know we gotta do it someday. Invite all the jokers from the north and the south for a cocktail party... Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war!
What does everybody want here? What do these people want more than anything else?
JM‘‘Trapper John McIntyre
To go home or to Tokyo, whichever comes first.
What do they really want?
JM‘‘Trapper John McIntyre
Sex!
Ah!
JM‘‘Trapper John McIntyre
Except for those baseball perverts.
JM‘‘Trapper John McIntyre
You want to raffle off a nurse?
Is that what I said?
[spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing up there?
I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
Since when are you two interested in the Bible?
JM‘‘Trapper John' McIntyre
I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.
[simultaneously] Radar O' Reilly/ Henry Blake: Yes Sir?/ Radar
Don't do that!
RORadar O' Reilly
Yes sir, you wanted to see me sir?
Yes, but let me say I want to see you before I see you.
RORadar O' Reilly
Yes sir, you wanted to see these? [pushing sheaf of papers to Henry]
How do you know that?
RORadar O' Reilly
That's why you called me.
Oh yeah.
RORadar O' Reilly
[reaching for different papers] You wanted me to take these sir?
[absently] Yeah.
[describing Lt. Dish] a girl with a face that doesn't quit. A girl with so much body she should be continued on the next girl.
LDLt. Dish
Hawkeye I'm trying to be faithful. How many times must I tell you I'm engaged?
I'm engaged too, think of me as a dress rehearsal.
LDLt. Dish
A girl can only take so much.
Are we anywhere near that part yet?
[Margaret and Frank are watching Hawkeye and Maggie Dish through binoculars]
Sickening!
Animals!
Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!
Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm just gonna have to challenge you to a duel.
Swords or pistols?
I was thinking specimen bottles at twenty paces.
[watching Henry Blake leave the 4077th by helicopter]
What's this?
RORadar O' Reilly
Weekend passes for the raffle.
When did he sign these?
RORadar O' Reilly
When he thought he was ordering a ton of ice cream. Fudge ripple
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.