Margaret Houlihan quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye

We're a bunch of pediatricians. Oh, except for you, Frank.

Frank

Oh? And what am I?

Hawkeye

Don't rush me, I'm still thinking about it.

Margaret

Clumsy oaf.

Hawkeye

No prompting from the studio audience.

Frank

They won't get away with this. General Harrelson will hear about this!

Margaret

Oh, shut up!

Margaret

Major Winchester, I'm terribly sorry, would you mind stepping outside and scrubbing up?

Winchester

Ha-ha, I kindly doubt that would be necessary, Major. I just spent seven and a half minutes scrubbing.

Margaret

Yes, but that was before you touched your nose.

Winchester

I beg your pardon?

Margaret

Your nose, you touched your nose; you're no longer sterile. If you operate now, you will contaminate the field.

Winchester

Of course. That is precisely what I would do if, in fact, I had touched my nose, which I didn't.

Margaret

Major, I saw you touch your nose.

Winchester

Major, do you think my face is insensate? Don't you think that if I had touched my nose, I would've felt it?

Hawkeye

I just felt something funny over my lip. Maybe it touched my nose.

Touched his nose, Charles. You'll have to marry him.

Margaret

Colonel Potter, I clearly saw Major Winchester touch his nose!

Hawkeye

You naughty boy.

Winchester

Colonel, I refuse to spend another seven and a half minutes scrubbing up because of this woman's paranoid hallucinations!

She's a pretty good observer, Winchester.

Winchester

I did not touch my-! [calms] I did not touch my nose.

Margaret

You did touch your nose! I SAW you touch your nose!

Hawkeye

It's the Battle of the Noses, ladies and gentlemen! Who do you think is ahead, Captain Honeycutt?

Well, Winchester was ahead for a while, but he blew it.

Hawkeye

Say, that's disgusting.

Winchester

[Angrily goes to wash] How am I expected to operate in here if I must continually leave to wash my hands?

DON'T TOUCH YOUR NOSE!

Margaret

Look out teeth, look out gums, look out liver, here she comes!

Charles

Civilization in Korea.

Margaret

Continental breakfast.

Hawkeye

Continent of Atlantis.

Margaret

Huh?

Hawkeye

That's the one that sank.

Margaret

Well, Doctor, as much as I hate to admit it, you ran that siege pretty well.

Hawkeye

We were great for half a staff. Damn that Hunnicutt, where is he? Technically, he's AWOL, you know. I could throw the book at him.

Margaret

I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the army?

Hawkeye

Since it was left to me.

Margaret

If only Frank Burns could see you now! It's not so easy to play the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?

Are you married, Margaret?

Margaret

I was, but he wasn't.

Mulcahy

We've got a villager whose house collapsed around him and a young boy who chased his frightened livestock into a minefield.

Margaret

Dear God.

Mulcahy

He's been alerted.

Mulcahy

I might be able to arrange a drop.

It's gonna take a lot more than a drop, Padre.

Mulcahy

I mean, with the black market.

Not advisable. Those boys play rough.

Margaret

And besides, who'd be low enough to have dealings with those tarantulas?

Mulcahy

As a matter of fact...me.

Margaret

How would you like to be married to a skunk, Father?

Mulcahy

My religion forbids it.

Margaret

Why was he in my shower?

Hawkeye

Isn't it obvious?

Mulcahy

Not to me.

*gasps of surprise*

Margaret

Now wait, wait. That seems fair. He had the Congressman's ear, and she got everything else!

Not really but it's the only way I can talk to you.

Hawkeye

What's this about Colonel?

Glad you asked. I'm a very busy man so I'll make this short and sweet. Lieutenant Harris dropped by this morning, had a little surprise for me. A request for an immediate transfer.

Naturally I thought she wanted out because she couldn't take a bath but that wasn't the reason. So I said "What is the reason?" And she said "I made a big fool of myself and the whole camp knows it." So I said "Well I don't know it." And she said "I'm surprised Pierce didn't tell you."

So I said "Why are you dropping this in my lap when you should be talking to your head nurse?" And she said "The head nurse hates me."

Margaret

I do not hate her.

So I said "Back up a bit. What is it you did that got everybodie's tongue wagging except mine?" And she said "I had an unhappy love affair." So I asked "Was it one of my doctors?" And she said "No. It was your priest."

That's what she said. She was so upset she's giving up on Med School. I didn't even know she was going to Med School.

Mulcahy

She musn't give up.

Now look folks this is none of my affair so why don't we keep it that way. The woman's got only a few weeks left in this man's army. A transfer would be a waste of good red tape so here's what your gonna do. (Points to Hawkeye) You stop talking about her. (Points to Margaret) You stop hating her. (Points to Mulcahy) And you stop dating her.

Margaret

WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!

We made a man who's part George and part Harold!

Charles

And part Winchester.

Hawkeye

That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous!

Margaret

Let me get you to your tent.

I'd better warn you, Major, I get mighty crotchety when I'm battling a bug. And I make one ornery patient.

Margaret

Well, I make one ornery nurse! Take it easy.

Winchester

Uh-- Colonel isn't it a bit early in the day to be, um-- how shall I put it-- bagged?

It's not booze that's got me in this shape, Winchester, it's mumps.

Winchester

(laughs) I-- Forgive me, Colonel. It's just that it's a bit silly to find a childhood malady - afflicting a man of your advanced years.

Margaret

Step aside, Major.

Winchester

What's next for you, Colonel? Unsightly teenage blemishes?

Ah, between you and the mumps, Winchester, I'd prefer the mumps. At least I know they're going to go away.