Margaret Houlihan quotes from M*A*S*H

Margaret

[Trapper is knocking on Margaret's door, Margaret and Frank are eating a stolen ham] Who is it?

The heat inspector!

Frank

You can't come in!

Hawkeye

Then we'll huff, and we'll puff, and we'll blow your nurse down!

Margaret

Captain Pierce! Major Burns, acting Commander, and I, his adjutant, have been informed that you and Captain McIntyre refused to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner.

Hawkeye

Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.

Margaret

Maybe we should talk to her for a second.

Frank

That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.

Henry

You know, Major, you and your nurses can be a real pain in the butt. If you're not in here every five minutes complaining about them, they're in here saying you're Hermann Goering in drag!

Margaret

Which one of them said that?!?!

Henry

I'm not finking, Major.

Margaret

You'd never know this is an aid station.

Our red cross got blown off with the roof.

Hawkeye

I finally make a house call and the house is gone.

Frank

As adjutant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.

Margaret

How splendid, Major.

Henry

Very good, Frank.

Lovely.

Hawkeye

Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.

Frank

They're trying to catch us at something.

Margaret

We're not DOING anything.

Frank

Oh, yeah. Who'd have thought?

Frank

Margaret!

Margaret

Stuff it!!!

Margaret

(she is infuriated) War horse?! Army Mule?!

Frank

Margaret!

Margaret

Stuff it!!!

Frank

I had to say what I did, try to understand!

Margaret

Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!

Frank

Margaret, please!

Margaret

Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!

Frank

Margaret! (They walk nonchalantly past some enlisted men) I had to lie, the stocks and the house are in her name!

Frank

Oh, Margaret, dear. Let me bring over my can of Sterno, we can have some hot toddies and you can put on your new nightie!

Margaret

(throwing her negligee at him) YOU put on my new nightie!

Frank

[Looking longingly at the negligee as BJ and Hawkeye walk by with golf clubs] Forty five dollars!

Sold.

Hawkeye

Are alterations included?

Frank

(annoyed) Aw, go practice your putts!

Margaret

Make sure no one goes into my tent.

Radar

I wouldn't do that, Ma'am.

Margaret

SOMEBODY does.

Radar

Maybe it's rats.

Margaret

You think RATS have been trying on my undies?

Radar

Some of them rats are weird.

Margaret

September.

Hawkeye

Just a wild hope.

Frank

Yeah. I thought I'd hit the town with that new nurse.

Margaret

You mean the little red-headed one with the freckles on her nose?

Frank

Yeah, that one.

Margaret

Don't you think she's a bit young for you?

Frank

(smugly) Well, yeah. I just thought that a little youth would be nice for a change.

Margaret

Did you ever once show me any friendship? Ever ask my help in a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine how it feels to walk by this tent and... [gasps and breaks down] hear you laughing and know that I'm not welcome? Did you ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?

We didn't think you'd accept.

Margaret

Well, you were wrong.

Frank

(Barging into the OR) Why wasn't I called?!

(Barking at Frank) Mask!

Frank

(angered) Well, I should be doing this surgery! I know Major Houlihan's appendix better than any of you guys!

Burns, she asked for Pierce.

Frank

I don't believe it!

Mulcahy

(quietly to Potter) Great deal of conflict here.

(quietly to Mulcahy) You said it, brother... uh, Father. (aloud, to Frank) Burns, she doesn't want you here!

Frank

I'm not leaving until I hear it from her own lips!

Margaret

Listen to these lips, Frank. Get out!

Frank

She's delirious.

Margaret

(almost screaming) OUT!

Frank

(angrily to Margaret) I hope you have a great big scar!

Margaret

You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.

Frank

She's right, and--nah, doesn't mean a thing.

Hawkeye

Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.

You see a ghost?

Hawkeye

No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.