Margaret Houlihan quotes from M*A*S*H

Charles

What about we do something civilized?

Klinger

Like what?

Charles

Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.

Margaret

This is for Pierce?

Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.

Klinger

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.

Charles

This cultural commentary is brought to you by Maxwell "Swinish" Klinger.

Hawkeye

You are great with scissors (talking to Bill the lawyer), you could be a doctor or a barber.

Margaret

This is so unprofessional, I really must object.

Objection overruled

Hawkeye

Relax Margaret. The lawyer is only here on a trial basis

Haven't you ever heard of anyone ever practicing medicine?

Hawkeye

And besides, the case is closed and the patient rests

OR is now adjourned (Hits an emesis basin with a hammer)

Klinger

Klinger takes a mail order course in electronics, reasoning that television is the wave of the future "which means busted sets by the millions" and "Max Klinger will be there to reap the whirlwind of outrageous repair prices."

MArgaret

If those two clowns [Hawkeye and BJ) hear I got a rash my behind..I'll never hear the end of it!

Klinger

Surely Madame knows of my sincere sincerity? To me the words Houlihan and hubba hubba have always been synonymous. You are a vision of great loveliness even dripping as you are.

Margaret

If there's a point to this, get to it.

Klinger

I've unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.

Margaret

Your paper what?

Klinger

Paper news. "M*A*S*H Notes." Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column: "About Faces."

Margaret

That's cute.

Margaret

All right, now I need the post-op patient status report for April 11.

Charles

Well, I haven't the foggiest idea where that would be.

Margaret

Well, look under P.

Charles

Post-op under P? That is the one place I know it won't be. We must not labor under the delusion that these were filed by another homo sapien; the last ones I found were under G, for "Getting Better."

Margaret

Just what do you suggest we do?

Charles

Burn the damn place down and take a tax loss.

Margaret

How do you manage to keep it [hair] so beautiful?

Oh, simple...I give it the night off. (takes off her wig)

Margaret

Help yourself to some breakfast before us lowlifes steal it all.

Mulcahy

Hell hath no fury like pernicious vermin scorned.

Charles, you just put a whole shoe store in your mouth.

Winchester, just a hunch: Will Rogers never met you, did he?

I just wonder if I'm getting what this painting is really all about: the camaraderie, the affection we have for each other. Oh, I'm getting the bodies all right, but I wonder if I'm getting the souls. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.

Klinger

Uh, I have to go sir. (he leaves)

Of course son. You know, you people have been closer than kinfolk to me, you make it almost bearable being over here.

Margaret

Excuse me sir please. (she leaves)

Surely. In a way, this painting is a way of sharing my Korean family with my family back home.

Mulcahy

Of course. Of course. (he leaves leaving Potter at a table by himself)

It ain't easy telling people how close you are to 'em when they aren't here.

Hawkeye

I'll make you a deal: I fix the autoclave. I go.

Margaret

Fine.

Hawkeye

Ok. Fine. Fine. Very simple. The hinge is bent, that's all. Takes three seconds.

Margaret

Uh-huh.

Hawkeye

One (hits it), two (hits it again), three...(hits it and the door falls off).

Margaret

Maj. Winchester what is that?

Charles

That is a floor which astonishingly enough I am sweeping.

Margaret

Plaster will not be sweeped off the floor. It has to be scrapped off with a razor.

Charles

Winchesters do not shave floors.

Margaret

Do Winchesters heal quickly?

Hawkeye

Trapper was a man ahead of his time. Right, Margaret?

Margaret

He was a ridiculous, juvenile child.

Hawkeye

See?

Margaret

I think a party with a theme would be really cute.

Charles

Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?

There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?

Klinger

Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?

Charles

Yes. Yes they did. They fired the entire staff.

Hawkeye

I can't believe what we're doing. Or how many times we're doing it.

Margaret

What's the matter?

Hawkeye

What's the matter?!

What's the matter?! If Mulcahy loses, we're out two weeks' pay!

Hawkeye

Each!

Margaret

You men. You always worry about little things.

Mulcahy

Good morning, Major. If you don't mind me saying so, hubba hubba.

Charles

Well, Margaret. Can't you just say good morning as civilized people do?

Margaret

(grunting and miming)

Charles

It is not my idea of breakfast fun to play charades.

Mulcahy

Uh, Doctor, I believe you are being paged.

Margaret

(more grunting and miming)

Charles

May I at least finish my Wheaties? (Margaret drags him out of the mess tent) Margaret, what is wrong?

Charles

Well why not. I'm often mistaken for a little Western Union boy. (reading note) "Dr. Chesler, must cancel. Very sorry. Perhaps another time." Another time? The man's leaving for the States tomorrow.

Margaret

Not fair to patients or staff. Can't work like this. Another three days -- I can't go.

Charles

I must say I admire your dedication. I'll send this off immediately if that's what you really want. Yes? (leaving post-op bellowing) Telegram for Dr. Chesler. Oh, telegram for Dr. Chesler.