Radar O'Reilly quotes from M*A*S*H

Radar

Did you lose something, sir?

Hawkeye

Hi, Stinky,

Radar

[looks around] Uh, sir, that's the sorta name that kinda sticks with a fella. I'd appreciate it if you just call me by my given nickname.

Hawkeye

What's cookin', Dexter?

Radar

... If those are my only choices, I guess I'll take "Stinky". It's got a little more pizazz.

Radar

The friendly old sun showed his friendly hot face over the mountains of purple majesty as though he was salutating "Good morning to all." Alas, alack, the peaceful quietness was detonated by a herd of chopper transportizing punctured personnel. But our gallant doctors, the miracle medical mortals are ever ready to treat the sick. The wounded were aided copiously by super-smart surgeons whose knowledge is superseded by nobody I know. Together or apart, they work as a team. Skilled hands with their fingers work dedicatedly to keep death away from its maximum.

Radar what is this cow flubdubbery? All this "miracle medical mortals" hooey. What are you doing to my duty log?

Radar

I was just adding a hint of self-expression.

Radar

The sun in it's crimson radiance bids a crepuscular adieu to another day. Corporal Klinger was in his last grisly hour of guard duty little knowing the fate that destiny had planned up for him. The Chinese were giving up in hordes. Sergeant Fierman brought in three prisoners that he had captured after they had surrendered voluntarily. The sergeant bragadeered to Corporal Klinger that capturing prisoners meant points toward discharge and early homeward bounding. This information inspired Klinger a whole lot. The vainglorious corporal ran like a bird and sped off in quest of Chinese giver-uppers. But destiny exterminated his luck. The Chinese had not seen women in an overexcited period of time. Klinger barely escaped with his purity still clean and in the process, ruining his finest frockery. The corporal re-arrived with his dignity dented and his nonchalantness not so nifty.

Enough, boy! Enough! This whole unit is gonna get a Section Eight!

How can you see with those filthy glasses?

Radar

I know where everything is.

(seeing Klinger eat a piece of a jeep): "A" for effort Klinger but it's not gonna work.

Klinger

Watch this. (swallows the lugnut and smiles).

Radar

Oh wow right down.

Klinger

Dip it in a little 30 weight motor oil, pop it in and let it slide down the gullet like a blue point oyster.

Radar

Colonel he's crazy.

Klinger

See? I got a witness. You gotta give me a Section 8 and send me home.

No dice.

Klinger

If you don't let me out for being a nut you're nuttier than me! Sir.

Charles

What is that odor?

Radar

Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.

Charles

The wind is from the south.

Radar

Oh, that's the kitchen.

Radar

Colonel! Colonel, it's Klinger, he's back!

Thank God he's back alive, I'm gonna kill him!

We're gonna have to keep these boys plenty warm tonight. You'll have to take heaters from the tents again.

Radar

Sir, the last time I did that they hid my glasses in the meatloaf!

Hawkeye

Does he understand English?

Radar

I'll find out. Ya understand English?

Yes.

Radar

Yes.

Do you dance, Radar?

Radar

Uh, no. Football knee.

Oh, you played football?

Radar

Not much, I had a bad knee.

Charles

Keep your grimy hands on the wheel.

Radar

Look I'm sorry Major, the tires won't stay on the road.

Where are you headed?

Radar

Ottumwa, Iowa.

Never heard of it. I guess anywhere you live is home.

Radar

I'm ready, let's go.