BJ Hunnicutt quotes from M*A*S*H

Oh none for me. It offends my palate, not to mention my co-palate.

Hawkeye

Any diversion is welcome, except the diversions become routine. Crazy thing is, hell though it is, I think I feel closer to the people in this hospital than I've ever been to anybody else in my life, or ever expect to. [To bartender] Keep 'em coming, Kim.

On Hawkeye's tab?

Hawkeye

Right. I'm entertaining a client.

Radar

My teeth will turn purple.

Hawkeye

Women love that.

You know, I really can't wait to see the place.

Hawkeye

You can wait. You've heard of a military post? This is a compost. Everything we've got is surplus. The lice are surplus. Only the wounded are new. Supplies are a joke. The tedium is relieved only by the boredom. I can't think of a single reason why we're here, except we're needed. [The fight breaks through the window behind, with only BJ noticing] So, pitch in, muddle through, pip pip and the whole schmear. Ours not to reason why, ours not to let 'em die. Drink up, you're behind.

In other words, do your job as best you can, and shove...

Hawkeye

You got it. [Radar casually moves to the bar just as the fight crashes into their table] Please, I'm with friends.

Radar

[returning] They're all out of maraschino cherries.

Hawkeye

Kim, some more sake.

Father Mulcahy. (Sees the cross Mulcahy has around his neck). Yes, of course. You're clean.

Mulcahy

Thank God, sir.

Catholic?

Mulcahy

Yes, sir.

Can you do a Methodist thing for me on Sunday?

Mulcahy

I handle all denominations. Colonel.

Any other Methodists in the outfit?

Mulcahy

Two or three.

Good. I hate to sing alone. Major Houlihan.

Sir!

Chief nurse.

Yes, sir.

Ten years, spotless record.

Thank you sir.

Major Frank Burns.

Just friends, sir. I mean, he's not here, sir. He's indisposed.

Captain Pierce.

Hawkeye

Yo!

Keep your yo's to yourself. Captain Hunnicutt.

Yes sir.

You two were reprimanded by Major Burns for setting fire to the latrine.

Hawkeye

That was an accident.

We were having a weenie roast.

In the latrine?

We're not allowed to cook in our tents, sir.

Also Pierce, it says here you had a live chicken flown here by helicopter, claiming it was a patient.

Hawkeye

That was a rare bird, Colonel. It could tap-dance.

And a year ago the Tokyo Provost Marshal claims you stole a steam shovel.

Hawkeye

I couldn't get a cab.

I gather you drink.

Hawkeye

Only to excess.

Hawkeye

Very good, Frank.

They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.

(sees Frank holding a bunch of guns): Burns, didn't I see your face in the wanted poster? Who wants to take first watch over the prisoner?

Hawkeye

He does.

He will.

Frank

I do.

All right. If you don't accidentally shoot yourself in two hours I will relieve you then. If you do, I'll relieve you earlier.

Hawkeye

3-to-1, I'll take the Indians.

It's a bet, five bucks. What's the name of this picture?

Hawkeye

Custer's Last Stand.

You are very smart, Freedman.

Hawkeye

I told you.

You're only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe cozy civilian practice.

He's on to you, Sid.

You're not smart, Freedman, you're dumb, very dumb! But you met your match in ME!

Hawkeye

Klinger, what civil war hero said "Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead." And please try to answer with less than the seven basic ballet movements.

Klinger

I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Tugarraf!

Hawkeye

"Tugarraf?!"

That's "Farragut." He said it backwards.

Hawkeye

Aha! True or false: You can reach the high notes of the "Star-Spangled Banner" by standing on your toes.

Klinger

That ain't part of the test!

Hawkeye

Yes, but how did you know?

Radar

He's cheating! He's got the answers written all over him!

Klinger

I am not! Those are tattoos! Leave me alone!

Hawkeye

No wonder he knows history like the back of his hand.

Gee Dad, talkies.

Mulcahy

Who's Walter?

Radar

Oh, that's my given name.

Hawkeye

Give it back.

Margaret

(she is infuriated) War horse?! Army Mule?!

Frank

Margaret!

Margaret

Stuff it!!!

Frank

I had to say what I did, try to understand!

Margaret

Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!

Frank

Margaret, please!

Margaret

Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!

Frank

Margaret! (They walk nonchalantly past some enlisted men) I had to lie, the stocks and the house are in her name!

Frank

Oh, Margaret, dear. Let me bring over my can of Sterno, we can have some hot toddies and you can put on your new nightie!

Margaret

(throwing her negligee at him) YOU put on my new nightie!

Frank

[Looking longingly at the negligee as BJ and Hawkeye walk by with golf clubs] Forty five dollars!

Sold.

Hawkeye

Are alterations included?

Frank

(annoyed) Aw, go practice your putts!

(to a tearful Hawkeye) You too?

Hawkeye

(tearfully) I lost the baby pool.

Mulcahy

Well, bless my soul. I won.

A little inside information, Father?

Mulcahy

No, I just happen to know a bit more about conception!

Hawkeye

Lieutenant Kelly, that cigar is you.

(slightly drunk) To Sherry Pershing Potter, here's to a long and happy hitch!

Hear Hear!

Klinger

(wearing Margaret's old negligee, carrying a tray of beer) Here we are, reinforcements, Colonel Grandpa!

Klinger, where'd you get that negligee?

Klinger

I found it in the garbage.

Hawkeye

War is such a waste!

Klinger, it's you!

These guys from your unit?

I'm Colonel Coner

Oh, yeah. The famous advance man from Forest Lawn.

Frank

Oh, pay no attention, sir. Their sense of patriotism is stunted.

Hawkeye

Comes from smoking too many flags.

Corporal Klinger's a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian, toward that end he dresses, uh--

Hawkeye

In dresses.

Bucking for a Section 8?

The man does his job; I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.

Hawkeye

Unless, of course Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.

I don't want to go back to the fighting.

Sounds serious. You may be coming down with mental health.