BJ Hunnicutt quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye

The Petrified Forest.

...They still open?

Minding my own business is a full-time job. In my spare time, it's my hobby. I can't divide myself emotionally. I couldn't break my word to Peg, and not because God will send me to Hell without an electric fan or because it's not the right thing to do. I simply don't want to.

Hawkeye

You've got a lot to learn about messing up your life.

Frank, weren't you a Boy Scout?

Frank

Yes. I was. Later, I was Scoutmaster.

Hawkeye

Until those little ingrates set fire to his pants.

Frank

Not true. That was a drill.

Hawkeye

Nah, the way you've been lifting that barge, toting that bale.

Not getting drunk and landing in jail.

Hawkeye

Had to happen.

It was in the cards.

Hawkeye

What happened?

Hop-a-long Ferret Face shot me!

Frank

Say, Beej, you're not gonna report me or anything, are you?

Hawkeye

Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot.

Frank

I'm not acting!

Get away from me!

Frank

Just promise you won't tell on me and get me in trouble. Huh? Please? Pretty please?

Hawkeye

We promise, Frank.

What happened here?

Hawkeye

Frank shot B.J.

Frank

Tattletale! Stool pigeon! Fink! Indian giver!

How bad is it?

Hawkeye

Superficial. Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.

Burns

How's your horse, sir? When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides and---

(angrily) How did it happen, Burns?

Burns

You mean the, uh---?

Right!

Burns

I was cleaning my weapon and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan!

I see. So, naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt. (Radar giggles quietly)

Burns

Well, what's so funny, Corporal?

Radar

Sorry, sir.

Don't blame the boy Burns, He knows a good joke when he sees one.

Burns

Permission to look for Major Houlihan

Permission denied!

Burns

But I....

No!

Burns

I'll go wait in my tent!

Sidney, you're a psychiatrist. Don't you think writing a letter to Sigmund Freud is a little crazy?

Sidney

Who better than he would understand?

Some guys shoot themselves in the foot to get sent back home.

Klinger

Not me. I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons.

Can't you do something?

Like sit him down and have a talk with him?

Hawkeye

No, like stand him up and have him shot.

Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.

Radar

Ooh, that's serious!

Hawkeye

Colic?

He says it could kill her. Her intestines are blocked; we need to keep her on her feet so they don't twist. And...we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.

Hawkeye

...I think I'll stroll on up to the front and see how the shooting's going.

Hawkeye

Hook this to the tap up there.

It looks awful high.

Hawkeye

Would you rather have this end?

(climbing) It's not so high.

Hawkeye

Upsy-daisy.

I love you Daddy.

My aunt once talked to the spirit of Sigmund Freud.

Frank

That's impossible!

Then how come he sent her a bill?

Hawkeye

I think I'm having an identity crisis. I know I'm Dr. Pierce, but I want to be God.

If you ever get the job, don't forget your old friends.

You never exercise.

Hawkeye

I wrestle periodically with the nurses.

Hawkeye

I had a long little doggie once. A Dachshund.

Oh a little hot dog. What happened to it?

Hawkeye

It got all mustered out.

I relish these conversations.

He'll be walking back here in about an hour.

Hawkeye

He'll be WALKING back?

The only thing gassed up in that jeep was US!