Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye

Put out that cigarette, there's a lot of ether in there.

Hey, I'm a sergeant, fella!

Hawkeye

And I'm a captain, fella! Which means if we're blown up, I'll fly higher than you! So put it out!

Margaret

September.

Hawkeye

Just a wild hope.

Frank, weren't you a Boy Scout?

Frank

Yes. I was. Later, I was Scoutmaster.

Hawkeye

Until those little ingrates set fire to his pants.

Frank

Not true. That was a drill.

Frank

Pierce, you disgust me!

Hawkeye

That's right, Frank. I discussed you with everyone I know. They all think you're disgusting.

Hawkeye

That's "counting the days."

Radar

"We are counting the days. All my love..." Major Burns.

Hawkeye

What?

Radar

Major Burns, coming this way.

Hawkeye

Nah, the way you've been lifting that barge, toting that bale.

Not getting drunk and landing in jail.

Hawkeye

Had to happen.

It was in the cards.

Hawkeye

What happened?

Hop-a-long Ferret Face shot me!

Frank

Say, Beej, you're not gonna report me or anything, are you?

Hawkeye

Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot.

Frank

I'm not acting!

Get away from me!

Frank

Just promise you won't tell on me and get me in trouble. Huh? Please? Pretty please?

Hawkeye

We promise, Frank.

What happened here?

Hawkeye

Frank shot B.J.

Frank

Tattletale! Stool pigeon! Fink! Indian giver!

How bad is it?

Hawkeye

Superficial. Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.

Burns

How's your horse, sir? When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides and---

(angrily) How did it happen, Burns?

Burns

You mean the, uh---?

Right!

Burns

I was cleaning my weapon and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan!

I see. So, naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt. (Radar giggles quietly)

Burns

Well, what's so funny, Corporal?

Radar

Sorry, sir.

Don't blame the boy Burns, He knows a good joke when he sees one.

Burns

Permission to look for Major Houlihan

Permission denied!

Burns

But I....

No!

Burns

I'll go wait in my tent!

Fire that weapon!

Hawkeye

Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!

I said fire that weapon!

Hawkeye

All right. [To the gun] You're fired! [To Potter] I did it as gently as I could.

That was an order, Pierce.

Hawkeye

(Snapping his fingers): Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?

Fire the gun Hawkeye.

Hawkeye

Look Colonel, I'll heal their wounds, treat their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds.

You can't just sit there.

Hawkeye

I may be sitting on the outside but I'm running on the inside.

You love life that little?

Hawkeye

I hate GUNS that much.

[hands Hawkeye a pistol] Your artillery, pard.

Is it loaded?

Filled it with water myself, Colonel.

Hawkeye

Watch out, everybody, I shoot to drown.

Can't you do something?

Like sit him down and have a talk with him?

Hawkeye

No, like stand him up and have him shot.

Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.

Radar

Ooh, that's serious!

Hawkeye

Colic?

He says it could kill her. Her intestines are blocked; we need to keep her on her feet so they don't twist. And...we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.

Hawkeye

...I think I'll stroll on up to the front and see how the shooting's going.

Hawkeye

Hook this to the tap up there.

It looks awful high.

Hawkeye

Would you rather have this end?

(climbing) It's not so high.

Hawkeye

Upsy-daisy.

I love you Daddy.

Margaret

You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.

Frank

She's right, and--nah, doesn't mean a thing.

Hawkeye

Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.

You see a ghost?

Hawkeye

No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.

Hawkeye

We're a bunch of pediatricians. Oh, except for you, Frank.

Frank

Oh? And what am I?

Hawkeye

Don't rush me, I'm still thinking about it.

Margaret

Clumsy oaf.

Hawkeye

No prompting from the studio audience.

Radar

Did you lose something, sir?

Hawkeye

Hi, Stinky,

Radar

[looks around] Uh, sir, that's the sorta name that kinda sticks with a fella. I'd appreciate it if you just call me by my given nickname.

Hawkeye

What's cookin', Dexter?

Radar

... If those are my only choices, I guess I'll take "Stinky". It's got a little more pizazz.