Hawkeye Pierce quotes from M*A*S*H

We all know when the Good Lord passed out paranoia, Frank Burns got on line twice.

Hawkeye

Three times; and the third time, he denied ever being in line!

Hawkeye

I think I'm having an identity crisis. I know I'm Dr. Pierce, but I want to be God.

If you ever get the job, don't forget your old friends.

You never exercise.

Hawkeye

I wrestle periodically with the nurses.

Frank

So like you, Hunnicutt. Not a patriotic bone in your body.

Hawkeye

No wonder the man flunked anatomy, he thinks there are patriotic bones!

Hawkeye

War isn't hell. War is war, and hell is hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.

Father Mulcahy

How do you figure, Hawkeye?

Hawkeye

Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to hell?

Father Mulcahy

Sinners, I believe.

Hawkeye

Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.

Hawkeye

I know!

Klinger

Somebody knows the trouble I've seen...

Hawkeye

I had a long little doggie once. A Dachshund.

Oh a little hot dog. What happened to it?

Hawkeye

It got all mustered out.

I relish these conversations.

He'll be walking back here in about an hour.

Hawkeye

He'll be WALKING back?

The only thing gassed up in that jeep was US!

Margaret

Major Winchester, I'm terribly sorry, would you mind stepping outside and scrubbing up?

Winchester

Ha-ha, I kindly doubt that would be necessary, Major. I just spent seven and a half minutes scrubbing.

Margaret

Yes, but that was before you touched your nose.

Winchester

I beg your pardon?

Margaret

Your nose, you touched your nose; you're no longer sterile. If you operate now, you will contaminate the field.

Winchester

Of course. That is precisely what I would do if, in fact, I had touched my nose, which I didn't.

Margaret

Major, I saw you touch your nose.

Winchester

Major, do you think my face is insensate? Don't you think that if I had touched my nose, I would've felt it?

Hawkeye

I just felt something funny over my lip. Maybe it touched my nose.

Touched his nose, Charles. You'll have to marry him.

Margaret

Colonel Potter, I clearly saw Major Winchester touch his nose!

Hawkeye

You naughty boy.

Winchester

Colonel, I refuse to spend another seven and a half minutes scrubbing up because of this woman's paranoid hallucinations!

She's a pretty good observer, Winchester.

Winchester

I did not touch my-! [calms] I did not touch my nose.

Margaret

You did touch your nose! I SAW you touch your nose!

Hawkeye

It's the Battle of the Noses, ladies and gentlemen! Who do you think is ahead, Captain Honeycutt?

Well, Winchester was ahead for a while, but he blew it.

Hawkeye

Say, that's disgusting.

Winchester

[Angrily goes to wash] How am I expected to operate in here if I must continually leave to wash my hands?

DON'T TOUCH YOUR NOSE!

Hawkeye

You've got to have a pair of pajamas, look around. You had a pair when you got here.

I had a lot of things when I got here. Faith, hope, sanity, a liver.

Hawkeye

(gleefully, after BJ has ripped chapter 1 out of his book and given to Hawk to read) Heehee! Reading! This just might be better than sex!

Charles

Certainly takes longer around here.

How would you know?

Hawkeye

Je suis poulet a la poetry.

Hawkeye

What?

What did you mean to say?

Hawkeye

That I'm pulled toward poetry. What did I say?

Hawkeye

What does Kyong Soon mean?

It means bright and obedient. But my father used to tease me. I'm not very obedient.

If there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know.

Hawkeye

How about arresting this war for disturbing the peace?

You? An athletic scholarship!?

Hawkeye

That's right, the coach's daughter paid me to leave her alone.