Peg quotes from Married... with Children

Peg

We're in trouble. Daddy's watching Shenandoah.

Bud

No, not the one where Jimmy Stewart beats all odds to preserve his family.

Kelly

You know when they crank up the theme song, Dad's gonna blow like a geyser.

Peg

Can we just skip through the speech, Al, and get straight to the punishment that you will inflict upon us for being your family? What is it this time, honey? You gonna get out the horseshoe set? Boys against the girls bocce? (with dread in her voice): Oh, no, Al. Not the "Boo-Hoo with You-Know-Who At The Zoo".

Bud

At least I have a little intellectual curiosity. (to Kelly): And I wasn't the one pointing at the leopard yelling, "How many animals died for that coat?"

Kelly

Well, at least I didn't pull my pants down and moon the monkeys.

Bud

Well, at least I didn't turn her in.

Kelly

Well, at least I didn't ask the girl chimp to my prom.

Kelly

That's sick! That's sick!

Al

Families are meant to be together.

Peg

But we don't wanna be together.

Al

You have no choice.

Al

I'm not going to tell you now, but I have a special surprise in mind.

Bud

You got a bumper sticker that says, "My Other Car is My Feet"?

Kelly

You used your finger to make a really cool racing stripe in the dirt on the side of the car?

Peg

You got a new 8-track of "Hotel California"? We can crank it as we're towed down the freeway?

This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.

Peg

AL!

Al

Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?

Peg

You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!

Al

Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?

Peg

You're the king, baby.

Al

Make me believe it.

Peg

Who's gonna make me believe it?

Bud

I don't get it. I'm so cute. What am I even doing home? I know I've got the bod, got the arms, chest...and even I can't keep my hands off my butt.

Peg

You really should talk to Daddy.

Peg

You know what would really help me go to sleep?

Al

Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.

Al

Aw, now, Peg. You gave it your best shot.

Peg

You mean you're not disappointed, Al?

Al

Disappointed, Peg? It's the only way it could be. I wanted it, I needed it, I deserved it. How else could it have turned out?

Peg

So it's your fault?

Al

From the minute I said "I do."

Al

It doesn't work any more, Peg.

Peg

What doesn't work?

Al

It.

Peg

How can you tell?

Al

I've been reading Playboy, Biguns, Littluns, Inbetweenuns -- nothing. Then I remembered it hasn't worked since the afternoon I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank meeting. Marcy killed it Peg. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.

Al

New cars for everybody! Peg, would you like a BMW?

Peg

Well, I kinda see myself in a Jaguar.

Al

Oh, if only we could find one that hungry.

Peg

Now Mr. Grover over here, he doesn't believe in Halloween. So I say we ring his doorbell over and over again anyhow.

Bud

Well, how come?

Peg

He's a Jehovah's Witness and I just want him to know what it feels like for a change.

Bud

And that's Mr.D'Arcy and Mr.Bob Rooney.

Peg

Oh boy. If Marcy finds out about this, she'll be down there in a second. Gee, I wonder if she's watching.

Peg

Well I guess so.

This was one of those unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions; it said to give him a circular incision.

Peg

Yeah, so how could you misread that?

We gave him a circumcision.

Peg

Well Mr. Grumpy's home.

Al

(in a trench coat) Just one word of warning: Anyone who says what's up, goes down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it and it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.

Peg

Then again, I've been asking for years.

Al

Is that you son?

Bud

Yeah dad. What's up?

Al

(decks Bud) Any other questions?