Peg quotes from Married... with Children

Peg

Al, guess what I got?

Al

You got a Christmas present for me?

Peg

Uh, no, but I could go back out again. Do you got any money?

Al

Well, I was saving up for a bullet.

Al

Oh, my God. The power's off, there's no tv. What are we going to do ,Peg?

Peg

Well, we could cuddle.

Al

Be serious, Peg.

For those of you who missed the first 53 airings, NBC is proud to present Cheers, the final episode.

Peg

What does Cheers have to do with Christmas?

Al

What does NBC have to do with television?

Peg

[as Al changes channels on the TV] Now, there you go, you're going too fast. Come on, Al...what was that? What was that? What was that?

Al

A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargent as Darrin; a Gilligan where the gorilla came to the island; a Full House family Christmas story where they were snowed in at the airport; and a study of the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Philippe, not Jacques, Cousteau.

Peg

You can see all that, and yet, you can't see the rim around the toilet?

Al

I see what I wanna see, Peg.

Bud

I am sure Mom is having a good time so she will not suspect anything amiss.

Kelly

Hello?

Peg

Is my couch OK?

Kelly

Oh, hi Mom.

Peg

I sense something is wrong.

Kelly

Well, you know Bud could have broken his arm or I could have been kidnapped.

Peg

I don't care about that you zagnut! Is my couch OK?

Kelly

Um, yeah, why do you ask?

Peg

When my bottom got red hot I knew I had to call home.

Peg

So tell me, Al, what do you really think.

Al

Well I think you look....

I think you look.... A. Old. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers slight head trama. (Buzzer) B. Good After 10 Beers. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers severe head trauma. (Buzzer) C. Beautiful. Consequences: Groin pull after failure to keep a straight face. (Buzzer) D. Nice. Consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues. (Right answer bell)

Al

Nice.

Peg

I wish they'd hurry up and fix our cable.

Al

Me too. I hate nature shows. How much longer do we have to watch the mating habits of the sea anemone?

Peg

Well, at least it's better than watching them act out Martin. I just didn't buy it when Bud kept saying, "I gots ta have it!"

Bud

Where are you going?

Peg

We're going to the Burned Beyond Recognition concert. We received two free tickets as a consolation prize from the Rick Dees show.

Kelly

Wait, Daddy's the reason that we don't have those tickets. We should have them.

Al

Are you kidding me? You don't know what I had to go through to get those tickets. You don't know where I've been. And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.

Bud

But Dad, you don't even like B.B.R.

Al

Well, I don't like S-E-X with M-O-M, but it's my J-O-B.

Peg

Come on, Al, I really wanna hear "Wind Beneath My Wings."

Al

Then jump off the roof, Peg.

Al

[answers the phone] Hello Peg.

Peg

How'd you know it was me, Al?

Al

I actually heard God laugh.

Al

Well, let's see: I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant...and...

Peg

Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.

Al

That! Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.

Peg

Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.

Al

It's not all mud; some of it is colon.

Al

Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.

Peg

Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.

Al

Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?

Peg

Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.

Al

Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.

Al

Gee, I can't believe how small it is.

Peg

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.