Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

Now let me tell you something. We Bundys may have our faults; but we believe that marriage should be forever, no matter how pitiful or disgusting it may be to wake up to the same horrifying face each day. That's what the marriage vows are all about; and anyone who can't stand the nagging, bonbon-eating heat should stay out of the whining, sex-starved kitchen.

Al

Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.

Hey you. Get my shoes.

Al

Yes, Ma'am.

Al

I'm gonna hate these people.

Peg

You will not hate them. They are very nice.

Al

If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a seven since I graduated from high school.

Al

[picks up a size 7 shoe) These are sevens. The box says 9 because... well look lady, youre a nine. I can accept that, why can't you.

You're very FRESH?!

Al

No ma'am, that's impossible. Because for the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe, when I should've beeen easing them in the box. So what I'm saying is I'm anything but fresh. By the way, you might want to tell John Henry to give the $100 pumps a rest.

Your ad says "courteous service".

Al

That's not my ad, ma'am. That's the former owner's. He was killed tragically on this very spot when a size 9 exploded in his face.

Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.

I want a balloon.

Al

You already got one.

Marcy

Hi, we're your new neighbors. You have a lovely home.

Al

Yeah, so do you. Come in.

Steve

Do you have any kids?

Al

Two.

Marcy

Where are they?

Al

I don't know.

Al

Hey, let's go out Saturday night. You know, to eat, just me and you.

Peggy

Well, sure, if you want to.

Al

We haven't been to The Captain's Table in a long time.

Peggy

Oooo, we always like it there. They have such a nice menu.

Al

Yeah. [long pause] You wanna go upstairs?

Peggy

Thought you wanted to watch the game.

Al

Naah! Who cares! [as they head up the stairs] You know, I like the coffee there too.

Peggy

Mmm.

Al

Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.

Steve

Ah... Thinnergy.

Al

Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?

Steve

Well yes, Al, she does.

Peggy

Al, don't you think those girls are a little skinny? Shouldn't a woman have some meat on her bones? You have to have something to grab onto.

Al

I don't know, Peg. A lot of guys have been grabbing that one, and nobody's missed yet.

Al

Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?

Steve

Well, Al...

Al

I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?

Steve

The French?

Al

I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.

Steve

I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.

Al

Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

Peggy

I'm getting an exercise room.

Al

Not a chance!

Peggy

Look, Marcy is on my side! She makes the money, she has the power!

Al

Oh yeah? I make the money and I have no power.

Peggy

So where's my anniversary gift?

Al

Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.

Peggy

A can of motor oil?

Al

40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

Al

You are the biggest -- by the way, do you have cable?

Steve

No.

Al

The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.

Al

I've gotta find a place where I can watch the fight so I can get out of this.

Steve

Al, I've got the answer to all your problems. Well, not all your problems, but this problem.