Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?
How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? "Ultimate Final Notice" is obviously more serious than "Absolute Final Notice," but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, "Please."
S5Reese Joins the Army (Part 1)
S5Reese Joins the Army (Part 2)
[shows Malcolm a legal document.] Malcolm, we need to talk. I know we've been avoiding this, but it's time to face facts. You need to forge Dad's signature declaring Mom mentally incompetent. That way when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
Strange, I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin. Life, huh?
I can't fake Dad's signature. I do Mom, Reese does Dad.
What?!? You should each be able to do both! What did I tell you about building a little redundancy into the system?
Lois, we won the case! Now we can get our lives back to the way they were.
[getting angry] You didn't work on Fridays? After all the sacrifices I made for this family. For 15 years, I worked double shifts, drove carpools, cleaned the house, while you were FEEDING SHAMU!!!
Actually, it's Keiko 2. He's smaller, but you get just as wet in the front row. It's a really good show. Let's go. We should see it sometime.
S6Reese Comes Home
The Army. What do you expect from people who would give Reese a gun?
Oh, that's right, it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.
Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.
Huh?
Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.
Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.
Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.
[to audience] I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.
[Malcolm and Dewey show their lists of "Mean Things Reese Did" to each other]
"Lighter Fluid Donut." That's worse than stealing a girlfriend, right?
I don't know. Were you in love for the first time with that donut?
Shut up, Dewey! I had every right. In fact, I owe him!
So you're saying if he dies, then you'll be even?
I didn't say he was going to die!
Malcolm, he almost killed himself with Bisquick once.
I'm just saying he deserves whatever he gets. [Sighing] No, he doesn't. That's something that Reese would say. I'm not Reese. Just because he's horrible doesn't mean I have to be. I'm better than that.
Wow, for a brother-killer, you sure are conceited.
S6Buseys Run Away
Wow! You guys are huge! And shiny!
BBodybuilder
Thanks mister, but we can always be huger and shinier!
What are you trying to do?
Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why's she being so nice to you?
Because for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk; she does it because we do stuff that's bad. And if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her, it's us.
[pause]
Fine, don't tell us.
S6Standee
[Hal walks by a large pile of garbage on his lawn]
[muffled yelling] Dad!
Dewey?
Daaaaaad!
Dewey? Where are you?
I don't know! My garbage fort collapsed!
Can you breathe?
Yes. But I don't want to!
[Malcolm sees an embarrassing picture of himself dressed like a hula dancer at Lois' station at the Lucky Aide]
What's that?
Hmmm?
I threw that picture away!
Oh, we still have the negative. It reminds me of the old you, back when you still knew right from wrong.
Just because I'm not doing what you want doesn't mean you can humiliate me!
Humiliate you? You mean there's an offensive image on display in the store?
CCustomer
My son used to love to play dress-up just like that. Give him a call. [She hands Malcolm a paper with his phone number and winks at him]
Take that down!
Gee, I'm not doing what you want. You're not doing what I want. Maybe we should bring Mr. Kushell into this, since he's the only one whose opinion you seem to care about.
[Several minutes later, Lois is forced to remove the picture as Malcolm reads the store's rule book with Kushell standing beside him]
No employee may display personal items at his or her workspace. Don't worry, Mom. It only added a day to your probation.
SShirley
[Another employee forced to remove her cross] I'm sorry, God. You're against the rules here.
[sobbing while rolling up a motivational poster] I don't know who I am any more!
S6Pearl Harbor
[as she walks in] So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks now and they still haven't carted him off yet!
No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here like you own the place! Go back outside and knock...and then go away!
[pauses, then continues as if nothing has happened] Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants, rolling burning trash cans into the street!
[aside to the camera] The sad thing is, we're still the worst family on this block!
You know that jerk across the road who's got it in for me?
Which one? 'Parking Jerk' or 'Lawnmower Jerk'?
No! 'Christmas Jerk', Bill Randall! Every year that guy waits to see what Christmas decorations I put out and then finds a way to top it. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing and I look like a jackass! I mean, what kind of sick mind uses a religious holiday as a weapon?!
Wait, which one's 'Call the Cops Jerk'?
That's like four of them!
S6Kitty's Back
Thank you so much for letting us be a part of Dewey's birthday. You're enjoying your special day, son?
I expect nothing, and I'm still let down.
Even though the mashed potatoes are not supposed to come with the duck, cram them in there anyway whether the duck likes it or not.
WWaiter
Ma'am?
The beef. Even though it's the carrots that are the problem, I'd like to exclude the broccoli.
WWaiter
That may work as a metaphor, ma'am, but you're really screwing up your entree.
Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting.
[offended] Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'd be throwing a parade for him, right now.
[The vacuum sucks up Reese's peeled skin suit]
[shrieks] Noooooo.
It just took it.
That could've been me. [unplugs the vacuum] I need five minutes alone with the vacuum. [takes the vacuum and leaves]
S6Hal's Christmas Gift
Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard. With your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone, and landed in an open grave!
Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.