You're the ones that turned your mother into a ticking time bomb. You just thank your lucky stars that she went off on an innocent bystander.
S6Hal's Christmas Gift
S6Hal Sleepwalks
It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother.
If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.
[singing] No one knows just what I've been through. I can't stop the pain inside me. Now I'm staring out my window. Children play, they seem so happy. Why are we here going nowhere? Why does my life feel so empty?
[singing] Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!
What are you doing?
That's the "Meow Mix" song.
S6Lois Battles Jamie
[about Jamie] He is absolutely the worst kid we've ever had.
Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois, it's just the hand we were dealt. God doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people.
Jamie tries to kill Mom and we're the ones who have to clean it up? You want to tell me how that's fair?
You've got to give the kid some credit. It's the closest any of us actually ever came.
Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?
No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.
(to Jamie) you do not pinch, you do not poke, you do not bite, you do not spit, you do not eye-gouge, you do not vomit intentionally on other babies! (carried Jamie over to Malcolm, Dewey & Reese) A Lifetime ban from Gymboree, A LIFETIME BAN! (lois slams the door).
S6Malcolm's Car
You are going to be so proud of me.
Why?
I spent the last five nights in a chat room reeling in this creep named Heinrich. I got his address and showed up at his house with a printed transcript of our conversations. He calls me "Sugarbuns" fifteen times on nine separate occasions.
Reese...
So, the guy starts crying, "What about my wife? What about my kids? I'll do anything." Entrapment. It's not just for police anymore.
[about Reese's latest scheme] Wow! Blackmailing a pervert to facilitate underage gambling. How could this not work out?
S6Billboard
[After Lois has noticed the boys about to deface a billboard]
[on the ground] OH MY GOD!
Did you guys hear something?
What are you boys doing up there?!
It's Mom! [the boys try to flatten themselves against the billboard]
How'd she know where to find us!?
I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!
Maybe she didn't see us.
[Yelling at the boys in the parking lot] Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant!
[bad Spanish accent] Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are very different boys than we are being.
[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]
[afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?
[scared] It's a billboard!
[terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us!
Check out that pig!
You don't have to talk about them like that. They've been really nice to us.
Yeah, they really believe in this stuff.
That is such a load. Every woman down there is just here because they're jealous.
Of what?
Of the fact that they're not hot enough to be strippers. They act like they're all offended, but really they're just mad about their own giant butts. Believe me, in their heart of hearts, every woman wants to be her. [Points to the billboard girl]
What about Mom?
We're not talking about moms. We're talking about women.
So all women want to be strippers? There are no women in the world who want to be doctors or lawyers, or anything like that?
Cut the act, Malcolm. They can't hear you. Just because they look like dogs doesn't mean they hear like dogs.
I'm sleeping on the other side. [He and Malcolm move away from him]
Come on, I was just being honest! [Scoffs] So whipped!
S6Dewey's Opera
Hal, get in this bed and go to sleep!
[grabbing a pillow and blanket] Oh, I'll sleep. I'll sleep where I'm wanted.
[Goes over to the couch as Dewey continues to compose music.]
[At the Buseys classroom, Dewey is performing his music.]
ZZoe
[playing Lois and singing] Are you coming back to bed? Or should I just order a crib for you.
[playing Hal and singing] I'm not coming back. I don't like to be where I'm not wanted, especially if it's on a big, giant bed.
S6Living Will
[Hal and Lois sit in front of a fireplace looking through photos]
Oh, I remember this! This is Reese's fifth birthday!
And this must be Christmas that same year.
[The viewer sees an X-ray showing a candy cane stuffed five inches into the nasal cavity, hook-first]
He grew up so fast!
Oh, he sure did. Here's Malcolm's first day at school.
[The viewer sees another X-ray of the pelvic region with a toy truck in between the hips]
Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market?
[The viewer sees yet another X-ray of the chest region with a wristwatch embedded in the middle of it]
[holds out wrist] Still keeps great time.
Want to go through the arrest reports?
I'll pour some more wine.
[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital and brought him home, concerning the boys.]
What's wrong with him?
The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic. Apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.
The waist up?!
[Lois is frustrated as Hal moves around, clearly in distress]
Dad, what is it?
[Lois taps his head and he immediately calms down. He begins petting her leg with his foot.]
I think he's thanking you.
[Hal continues pretending to have Hysterical Conversion Disorder as he continues using his feet and rips off sheets of toilet paper]
It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone on long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the sex has been interesting.
[She walks in as Hal is now using his feet to put toothpaste on his to his toothbrush]
But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the coward's way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do.
[sees Hal pulling out a long thread of dental floss to floss his teeth]
Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this.
[sees Hal raise his feet to floss his teeth]
Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.
[she leaves disgusted]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.