Lois[as her and Malcolm walk in the house. Malcolm sits down] Sit! Look at yourself, they put you on probation. Probation! If you do just one more thing wrong, their gonna kick you out of school! Do you have any idea how serious this is? Is this what you want to be? You want to be some lap dog who ruins his life for some girl? For God sake, Malcolm, you beat up a foreign exchange student! Poor little Zanoc left that country from this kind of abuse! Are you even listening to me?
[Stands up from his chair] Yes, I'm listening! But you know what, mom, I got bigger problems! You may not have noticed, but, I've been screwing up a lot lately. All because of some stupid girl! I'm on probation! I beat up a kid who doesn't speak English! I'm going through a lot right now, and you don't even care!
Lois
What is wrong with you?! Look at that floor!
Lois
How many times have we told you not to track mud into this house?
Lois
That's not good enough. You're grounded for a week!
You can't do that! Those are just footprints!
Lois
You wanna be grounded for two weeks?!
This is ridiculous! You're being totally unfair! Just because Malcolm tracked mud on the floor doesn't mean we should be grounded!
Lois
Go to your room!
Lois
How dare you! How dare you defy us like that!
Well we wouldn't have had to if you've hadn't been ridiculously hard about a little mud on the floor!
Lois
You two are the most ungrateful, badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?
What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
You were at a party? While we were here worrying?
[calm] Can I have a napkin?
I cannot believe you two!
Lois
Oh, that's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year!
You do not talk to your mother that way, ever! You will show her the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!
This family sucks! You're ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!
[Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen, stricken that the boys are unaware that Hal may have an illness]
I dunno. Usually, she just says "I'm taking you with me!"
Oh, hi, mom. How nice to see you home
Lois
I have HAD IT!
[Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]
Lois
I am taking everything! Every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.
She's stealing Christmas.
Yeah, this'll be the last year Dewey believes in Santa.
Lois
If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will be a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled!
[to Lois] You wouldn't cancel Christmas! You're bluffing.
[Scene cut to reveal Reese crying over his burning stocking and Lois looks on in sadistic satisfaction knowing her threat of cancelling Christmas will come true.]
[In the last flashback, Lois and Hal are seen running around in front of a burning Christmas tree form the boys' prank]
Lois
Who did this?! Who did this!
Lois
WHO DID THIS!!!!!!
For God's sake, honey. Drop and roll.
Lois
[to Mr. Fisher] A prostitute. This guy was convinced I was a prostitute. You know, ever since I got your stupid report I have been feeling like everything I ever believed in was wrong. Well, I think this little incident fives both of us some much-needed clarity. I'm going to go home now. I'm going to wash my face and when I come to work tomorrow, I'm going to do the same extraordinarily good job I've been doing all these years. I'm going to do it in my 99-cent mascara and if the mood strikes me, a hair clip, and that's it. And if that's not good enough for you, so be it. Thank you. [Lois leaves. Mr Fisher stares at the man who approached Lois]
FMr. Fisher
Well Steve, are you going to tell my sister or should I?
What do you think? This or this?
Lois
What are you doing?!
This is an important function. It's a company picnic. Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met yet. Gotta start off on the right foot.
Lois
You're making too much of this.
No, I am not! You have to make a good first impression. It sets the tone for the relationship.
[Hal's montage with new employers]
MManager
Hal, this is your new supervisor, Miss Plum.
PMiss Plum
Great to meet you, Hal. I'm looking forward to working with you.
Same here, and what do we have here?
PMiss Plum
My big fat stomach.
M2Manager #2
I'd like you to meet my staff, but I'm not sure where they are.
It is great to meet you, Mr.Jacobson. I want you to know I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.
JMr. Jacobson
Great, have you met my daughter and son-in-law?
JMr. Jacobson
Kelly? Steve? I want you to meet somebody.
KKelly
Hi, so nice to... [Hal tries to shake her hand, but she hits her head on the catering table and falls to the ground.] Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!
SSteve
She's gushing blood! Somebody put a tourniquet on her neck!
KKelly
I'm outside of my body. I can see a light. Grandma, is that you?
SSteve
You son of a bitch! I'll chew off your face, spit it out and dance on it! I'm gonna kill you! (The other employees start fighting to Hal) I'm gonna drag your carcass to the street. She's got a toothpick in her eye!
Mom, you don't have to hold on to me, I'll be good.
Lois
OK.
Lois
You don't have to thank me. Let me enjoy the rest of the picnic.
MMeg
You told my husband I was insane and should be committed!
Lois
I didn't say that! How does letting him video-tape you in bed help our marriage?
MMeg
What?! I didn't tell him!
Lois
You've gotta stop this! I don't have time for my own family's problems without listen to you two nutcases! So why don't you just... [Meg smacks Lois in the face]
Lois
Oh! I don't think you understood me. [Lois slaps Meg in the face, then they start fighting.]
Lois
Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?
Lois
Excuse me?
I'm not leaving. You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us. I'm getting tired of it! Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun. So you're left with two choices: you can either fight somewhere else, or get us a TV for our room.
[Later in the boys' bedroom, all three are stood in the corners, facing the wall]
There's no reasoning with that woman!
I thought you made some good points.
It doesn't matter, she doesn't listen anyway. It's like talking to a wall.
[giggles] Hey, that's what we're doing!
[After the family learns Francis has gotten married to a girl named Piama]
Why can't you just be happy for us!?
Lois
We're supposed to be happy, when you repay us like this after all we've done for you!?
I'M CONFUSED! ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE YEARS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, OR SHIPPING ME OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL!?
[In the boys' room, while Francis and Lois are having a heated argument outside...]
This family sucks. They don't care anything about us. They don't even listen to us. Let's out of here.
No, I mean let's really get out of here and get away from these people.
[pulls out Hal's credit card from his pocket] Wherever this takes us. I snagged it out of dad's wallet this morning.
You knew we were gonna need it tonight?
[After the family discovered the boys' at the hotel after running away from home...]
Lois
Okay, boys, get your things. We're going home.
No! We're not going back there.
Okay, Well, you can't stay in this hotel room forever. What are you gonna do, live under a bridge and steal food out of dumpsters?
I don't know, but we're not going home! We've had it with the way you treat us, and we've hat it with all the yelling!
You are a terrible influence on us!
All you ever do is scream!
There's something wrong with this family! Families should have some way of communicating besides yelling!
Lois
Okay, everybody, calm down. I understand what you're saying, I'm not gonna yell, I'm not going to scream. We are capable of talking about this without raising our voices. Now, boys, I want you to understand I'm sorry about what happened. But you have to understand I get a little emotional when I learned that my oldest son was acting like an idiot and throwing his life away. Now that doesn't mean-- [gets splashed with water. It's revealed that Francis' wife, Piama threw water at her.]
Stop talking about him like that! Francis is my heart!
Malcolm in the Middle · 549 quotes
