Lois quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Lois

Dewey, don't play connect the dots with your chickenpox, you'll get an infection.

Dewey

I'm bored!

Lois

Those dominoes are keeping Dewey from driving me crazy. And if they get knocked over, I will blame you. If a door slams shut and knocks them over, I will blame you. If there is an earthquake, I will blame you. If a condor dies in flight and crashes through our roof and knocks them over, I will blame you.

Reese

But that's not fair.

Lois

I WILL BLAME YOU!

Hey, are the two boys still stuck in the tiger pit?

Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission from the zoo down the street!

Hal

Malcolm and Reese?

Lois

Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.

Malcolm

[to the camera] We had to get out of there pretty fast; for our own safety. It was unbelievable. We drove three blocks before Aunt Claire let go of the door handle!

Lois

I am so very disappointed in all of you. I don't care what those people did, that was no way for you to behave. Right, Hal?

Hal

Yeah, you boys are on notice. If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner and into a swimming pool again, there will be consequences–Dire consequences.

Lois

I should've told the doctor to sew furs and tails on you boys because you're animals! Only animals are easier because then I can have you FIXED!

Hal

[Facing Malcolm and Reese] For all the good it does, you're grounded again!

Malcolm

Thanks a lot for getting me grounded on my birthday!

Reese

Oh boo hoo, I was grounded on my birthday!

Malcolm

I was just standing up for myself! There is such a thing as justice, you know?!

Reese

Well, there is such a thing as "Shut up"!

Lois

Stop it. Malcolm, do you remember what you did for your birthday last year?

Malcolm

Nothing. I was grounded then, too.

Lois

[to Reese] And what about your birthday?

Reese

You grounded me after I smashed Malcolm's face into the cake.

Lois

And your birthday before that?

Malcolm

Pretty much this.

Reese

[to Malcolm] Wait. When did you push me off the pony?

Lois

[incredulous] A peptic ulcer!? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer!? The doctor said you had the stomach lining of a 60-year old air traffic controller! You are a teenager, for God's sake; what do you have to be stressed about!?

Malcolm

[finally loses his cool] For your information, I just spent the past 3 hours on a gurney next to a guy who was still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck! And the jackass who put in this IV couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy! There's only one channel on the TV, and what's this about a bedpan?!

Hal

Don't you think certain actions should be reconsidered?

Ida

Yes, yes of course. [Hal and Lois sigh in relief] You should settle.

Hal

What?!

Lois

Mom!

Ida

It's for your own good. If you can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it!

Well, I think I’ve figured out why you’re feeling so lousy, Lois. You’re pregnant. (Hal and Lois exchange glances)

Lois

Pregnant?

Reese has everything I want! I never have what I need! I don't even have my own bed! Why does everything in my life SUCK?!

Dewey

You owe me a new Spacefighter!

Reese

Shut up and get your own pen!

Give it to me!

Reese

Why don't you just die?!

Malcolm

Give me my pen! I'm warning you!

Reese

Ooh, I'm scared! What are you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do?

Lois

MALCOLM?!

Hal

[astounded] Malcolm, you can take Reese?

Lois

No one's taking anybody! I can't believe you boys. [picks up Reese; Reese groans] Oh, my God, look at you! [Reese groans again] He better not need stitches! [Reese groans a third time] Yeah, like you weren't beggin' for it.

Hey, Mom-

Lois

You did not already try on those clothes. And you do not have a term paper due, [looks at Dewey] and you are not gonna suddenly develop stomach cramps.

Malcolm

But how did you-

Lois

Please! Who did you think you were talking to? Now go! Try on those clothes!

Lois

[in her fantasy of having daughters] Girls, please! Can you just--? Girls, don't do this. You're supposed to be easy.

No, Mom. You're easy.

We can fool you about anything. We're girls, we know how you think and we're not above using it.

Lois

[resigned] I'll put on the coffee.

Hal

[looks out the window] It's Hanson; make decaf. [waves to the cops]

Lois

[After realizing that Malcolm was telling the truth and sees Reese destroy the computer intentionally] That money isn't yours. He was going to rebuild our bedroom wall.

Reese

But you said I was in charge. That means I get the money.

Lois

No, it doesn't.

Reese

Then, why the hell do I want to be in charge?

Lois

Reese, this is helping you become a better person by building your self-esteem. Which you are obviously going to need if you are STUPID ENOUGH TO THROW AWAY $1300 THIS FAMILY DESPERATELY NEEDS!

Lois

I cannot wait until I'm old and senile. I'm going to be hooked up to life support in your attic, running you ragged with crazy old-person demands. I am going to cling to life for years just to make you suffer!

Malcolm

Fine, but I'm not staying here!

Lois

What makes you think I am going to die first?

Hal

Honey, you have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.