Bill Dauterive quotes from King of the Hill

Hank Hill

So are you Chinese or Japanese?

I live in California last twenty year, but, ah... first come from Laos.

Hank Hill

Huh?

Laos. We Laotian.

Bill Dauterive

The ocean? What ocean?

We are Laotian--from Laos, stupid! It's a landlocked country in Southeast Asia. It's between Vietnam and Thailand, okay? Population: 4.7 million.

Hank Hill

So are you Chinese or Japanese?

[groans]

Is this your son? It's beautiful how you came out to support your daddy.

Bobby Hill

I'm a smoker, too.

Oh, no. How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?

Bobby Hill

Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.

Hank Hill

Wait a minute, I didn't let him, I made him. It was a punishment.

Can I get a new buddy?

What is wrong with him?

You are sick, sir! You shouldn't be allowed to have children!

Hank Hill

Now hold on a minute here. I didn't bring my family here to be yelled at. I don't think I like this club. You all whine too much, and the coffee's bad. I'll tell you what you need to do. You need to take a thirteenth step... down off your high horse!

Hank

I'm not gonna be blind forever you know. And the second I see some ass I'm kicking it. Now no more making fun of my blindness.

Bill

Okey-doke. Bring! Bring! Phone for you, Hank [takes off shoe and gives it to Hank]

Hank

The joke's on you, funny man.

Hank Hill

Yeah, I was all set to start on a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna hafta wait a day. Luanne's mama is coming to visit.

Dale Gribble

(spits out his beer in shock) That woman is a menace to society.

Bill Dauterive

Well, I dunno, I never met the lady, but she did her time.

Boomhauer

I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal, man. I tell her "no means no!"

Hank Hill

Yeah, Leanne's bad news, I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne "entertained" at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.

Bill Dauterive

AAAAOW! OHH!! My foot! I think it's broken!

Hank Hill

Uh, well, if it's broken, you're gonna have to get that shoe off.

Bill Dauterive

No! No, no, I - I feel better now. I'm just gonna go ON home.

Hank Hill

Don't be silly. Just let me - (tries to remove Bill's shoe) What the...?

Bill Dauterive

Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

Dale Gribble

I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.

Bill Dauterive

It's some kinda Athlete's Foot. I've been using this spray for 10 years. "Quick working" my ass.

Hank Hill

What did the doctor say?

Bill Dauterive

The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife. She used 'em against me in the divorce.

Hank Hill

You don't have to be embarrassed about your toes, Bill, it's just a medical condition.

Bill Dauterive

Sure, that's what you say. But I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.

Bill Dauterive

We're engaged!

Leanne Platter

It was supposed to be a SURPRISE! (punches Bill and belches) I need a smoke!

Bill Dauterive

This is the happiest day of my life!

Bobby, I need a soda!

Bobby

Yes, Mr. Witchard.

Not that way! Just run across.

Bobby

But the track?!

Don't back-talk the boss man! Ain't you ever cross the highway?! Run where there ain't any cars!

Bobby

They're going too fast!

Do it you- you monkey boy! I'm the boss of you!

Hank

What the hell?! BOBBY NO! (Hank restrains Bobby.) What are you doing?

Bobby

I'm going to cross the track and bring Mr. Witchard a soda.

Hank

That's crazy! Why would you do something like that?

Bobby

I'm giving 110%, Dad.

Go-to here, Go-to boy. I want a soda! Go-to now, you!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!!

There's a crazy man on the track!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!!

Oh, and there goes Gordon into the wall!

You're up!

Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Yeah!

Ah! (laughing) You can't get me!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!! (breaks the caged fence and chases after Witchard)

(screams as Hank kicks his ass)

Peggy

HAAAAAANNNNNKKKK!

Bill

CHUUUUUCCCCCKKK!

Buckley and Luanne are in there!

Tilly! Did you make this Stuffin'? 'CAUSE IT TASTES LIKE GARBAGE!

Hank Hill

(in a worried tone) Uh, Dad?

Did I ever tell you about the time she tried to poison me with a baked Chicken?

(sighs) It was Chicken Almondine.

IT WAS CYANIDE, WOMAN!

Hank Hill

(exasperated) Dad, could you please show Mom some respect while Bobby's in the room?

You heard him, Bobby. Leave the room! (Bobby gets up to leave the room)

Hank Hill

(frustrated) Sit down.

Bobby Hill

Grandpa, could you at least respect Grandmom until we get to dessert?

Didi's your Grandmom too, Bobby..... Your pretty Grandmom! 'Course, bad as Tilly was in the Kitchen, she was even worse in the Bedroom! (Everyone is shocked, Tilly is especially mortified) I Said.... The Woman was lousy in the sack.

Bill Dauterive

(tapping glass with knife then getting up to propose a toast) To the Stuffing! Might taste like Garbage, but it sure fills you up!

Dale Gribble

Nuh-uh.

Bill Dauterive

But I have to tinkle.

Dale Gribble

Not on my watch! [clicks shotgun]

Hank Hill

Bill, can't you see that this whole Lenore thing is your problem? The iguana, these presents, this old tree, get rid of the stuff!

Bill Dauterive

No! No, I couldn't. I couldn't. See, when, when she comes back--

Hank Hill

She's never comin' back, it's so obvious. She doesn't want this stupid stocking!

Dale

Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin' 'bout yo, man.

Hank

Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kicking dang ol’ ass, man.

Boomhauer

(speaking at normal speed very clearly) For God's sakes, Hank, act like an adult, man. And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.

Bill

Dang ol' pretty, pretty pizza, man, I tell you what.

Bill

My face hurts.

Hank

And it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it!

Dale

Come on, Hank, pick up the pace.

Hank

(Struggling to keep his damaged glasses on) I can't see where I'm going. (Turns to Bill) Damn you, Bill.

Boomhauer

Shh... Man, dang ol' disrespectful. (Also turns to Bill) Man... lift, Bill, man.

Bill

I am. It's Dale, he's faking it.

Dale

(Barely holding the casket with his arm) Am not.

Hank

Dale, no wonder my end feels so heavy. Get your hands on the casket.

Dale

It's bad luck.

Dale

Told you it was bad luck.

Hank

I've kept a journal of all the violations these three nincompoops have committed, and I'll be happy to turn it...

Dale

I've read that journal. It's all lies. (Points to Hank) Hank did it. (Then points to Bill) Bill did it too. I begged them not to!

Bill

You chicken-necked ass, I'll kill you! (Bill grabs Dale by the neck, resulting in Dale pushing Bill into Boomhauer and Bill pushing Dale into Hank, sparking a minor brawl between Bill, Dale, Boomhauer, and Hank.)

Oh, for heaven's sake. (Spraying the fire extinguisher on Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer to put an end to their brawl.)

Peggy

Nice weekend, Bill?

Bill

BOTH of 'em!